Pieces of Darkness
by SimplyWonderful88
Summary: An orphan has lost everything, her old friends, her parents, and even herself. Hope returns though, once her old best friend comes back. However, when things go from bad to worse, will the darkness that has always plagued her heart be the one to kill her
1. Every Fairy Tale Comes to an End

1.

They say life has its up and downs, and let me tell you straight up, life has downs, and it is going to get a lot worse and sometimes never get better. When some people realize this, they suck it up and move on with their lives. I'm not one of those people. I sometimes can't manage to get a grasp on what the meaning of life is, like if I'm going to die and loose all that I worked for, why try? You may ask, why make something so sad and depressing? I'll tell you why, because this is a summary of my life, and my life is NOT one of those fairytales. I decided that the only way to keep the thoughts that tormented me daily, from killing me, was to release them onto paper. That way maybe my life could mean something after my body was long rotted into the ground, but who am I kidding? I'm as worthless as that piece of trash in the garbage. Anyway, welcome to my insane world where everything can be made into a negative thought.

I wasn't always this way, no I was a normal kid, bratty but normal. I was a fan of the Disney princesses, Ariel, from the Little Mermaid was my favorite. I found the movie amazing, that if you stood up for yourself and worked your way through the mess of wrong, the right would fall right into place afterwards. I would have laughed in my face, if only I could. I was Daddy's little girl, getting everything my pretty tiny heart asked for, and I would've got a pony if I asked for one, but I thought they were dirty and smelly so I wouldn't go near them. Let's face it, I was a bitch, crazy about guys, and if a girl wasn't as rich or pretty as me then they got a mouthful. However, if a girl was by the 'rare' chance prettier or was better then me at something, they faced hell. Sure I was ignorant and arrogant, but I was for the only time in my life that I can remember, happy. Blue eyed, blond wonder woman, I remember myself saying, believing that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. That was before the accident. About six years ago, my parents died, both of them, in an accidental shooting. At least this is what I had been told, I was there, but the doctors said the shock of the experience of seeing both of my parents drop dead probably caused some trauma in my brain. Either way, I can't remember anything about the day, accept in my dreams. My dreams don't give anything away about what actually happened, but underneath my worst nightmares is a monster that humankind created. I often jerk awake as the dream's gun shots still seem to ring through my ear drums, beating them until they bleed, filling me with fear and sadness.

After my parents died, it seemed like all hell broke loose. None of my relatives wanted me; they said it was financial problems, well I can say that's 95% bullshit. Who wants a bratty child that will probably have mental issues when they're older? Well obviously no one who cared enough about me to actually take me in. Where did I go? To an orphanage about 100 miles from where I was originally born. I got to go to Washington DC, America's capital! Please restrain me I'm just _too_ ecstatic. Anyway, so I made some friends there, people who were in the same situation as I was in. One of my best friends, Chris, knew me inside and out, and I felt like I could rely on him with anything. Then he got adopted by a really nice couple. I never saw him again, I called him but that was only once or twice. When I called him I only felt more alone because he ended the conversation with "Okay mom I'm coming!" and the conversation lasted all of about 5 minutes. I guess there wasn't enough room in his new life for his old friends. I got adopted a year after him, but the foster parents that I had couldn't deal with a useless child like me, so I was put back into the orphanage.

By that time all of the friends that I had previously known had been adopted and I was left to be alone. Now I am a junior in High School. I have friends, I'm not popular, but I'm average. All my friends are extremely gullible. They believe lies all day long; they think that I'm living alone in an apartment working everyday to maintain its rent. They have never been to my house because I'm constantly working; therefore I have never been to any of their houses. I'm saving up my money for college so I don't have any 'real' clothes or a phone, that's why all of my clothes are from the salvation army. And no I cannot skip work for just one day, because I will get fired or get a decrease in salary. My FAKE parents were nice and everything, but I wanted to try to take the world head on. I'm the perfect girl in a perfect body, managing to get straight A's while working all day and night. I'm a good singer and am not too bad of an artist. I'm pretty good at sports and am seemingly unafraid of everything. I'm smart, beautiful and happy. Ha, if they only knew. If I ever showed any of them my real home, my whole plastic world would come tumbling down. They would realize that I can't go over to their houses because the process of leaving the orphanage after or before school is too complex. They would realize the reason why I'm struggling to get straight A's is so that I will get a scholarship to a community college in order to get out of this place when I'm 18. They would realize that I wasn't actually happy, not at all, and that darkness had been devouring my soul for a long, long time. And never could I ever allow anyone to know that, not even Chris, if I ever saw him again.

What did I do to keep myself from collapsing right here? I got lost in my music, they were terribly old songs, from the old Ipod I had gotten for my tenth birthday, but without each and every one of them I wouldn't be here. Each of them reminded me of my happy times, and when I listened to the music I could taste the faint reminiscence of the feeling of happiness. I am after all the oldest in the orphanage, by a couple years, and the younger kids see me for what I really am. I don't like that. The result is that they are completely shut off from my life, and I pass by them, acting as though they are no more but a whisper in the wind. Their words hurt, and my heart lurches every time I hear a snide, but I keep walking as though I hear nothing. Why should it hurt as it does? I don't know, but I assume I don't really confirm anything that I say to myself, until someone else confirms it for me. That must be what makes it hurt so. Do I cry? No because I know no matter how much you cry no miracle will actually happen. No matter how much you suffer, how much pain and misery you endure, no one comes back. Not even your parents who supposedly love you, see? Love can't conquer all.

Have I tried to kill myself in the past? Yeah, a couple, and every time I stopped as my vision was going. How could you be so close to death and come to school the next day with everything resuming the way it would have if I wasn't there? It was strange to think that the world would still revolve even without you there. Humans, how selfish and judgmental we are. We want everything for ourselves, even if that makes someone else unhappy. And god forbid that someone is different and wants to express themselves, we crush them like a bug, thinking that because they're different they're evil, never once dreaming that we, ourselves could be the evil ones.

Right now you might be wondering what I look like. No I don't have raccoon eyes and dead black hair. And no my eyes do not look like two black holes of despair. I am the complete opposite of my inner self. I have light blond hair that is cut right below the shoulders and is stick straight. My eyes are still a blue-turquoise and my lips are full and cherry red. I'm about 5' 8", and my skin has a golden tan that follows me around all year. All the more to cover up what I feel inside.

I hear a knock on my door and my head shoots up. "Uh Miranda?" Angelica, a socially awkward, nerd, of the seventh grade made her way into my tiny cramped room. I plaster on a fake smile and fiddle my hand around my wrist. As you stayed longer at the orphanage the more privileges you got, mine? A room to call all my own, sure it was tiny and during the winter there was no heat and during the summer no air conditioner, but is the only thing that I could call my own.

"Yes Angelica?" I ask in a high pitched voice, otherwise known as my fake voice that was bursting with joy. It made my blood boil. I watch as Angelica swallows and wipes her sweaty palms on her too small jeans.

"Um, its time for, uh, dinner." She finally managed to say. My fake expression turns into one of surprise as I look at my cracked alarm clock.

"Wow it's time already? Alrighty then I'll be down as soon as I finish up." I turn my back on her and pretend to busy myself with the books laid open in front of me.

"Uh yeah, okay. Right." Angelica takes a big breath then closes the door behind her. The moment the door closes shut I grab tissues and push them against my wrist. It takes about three minutes for the tissues to be covered in crimson. In ten minutes the bleeding had stopped so I take my bloodied tissues and stuff them to the bottom of the trash can, and pour last night's marinara sauce on top of it so the colors all run into each other. Then I take my razor and place it back into my shower bin. I put my bangle bracelets back on to cover up my recent deed, and voila! I am transformed back into the plastic Barbie that I created for myself. An outer shell, with a hallow inside. I skip down the broken stairs and enter a dimly lit room.

The other orphans are already sitting around the large rectangle table. I take my usual seat at the end of the table, and get ready for a nasty taste in my mouth. The orphanages chef comes out with his helper and puts out the beef stew onto the table. The chef reminds me of my father so whenever I see him my stomach churns and I would study the table whenever he walked by. The other orphans stare at me for a moment before going back to whisper with each other. They're mostly 8-10 year olds, but some are 12 and 14. All together we add up to the nice landmark number of twenty. Boys joke and push each other around, while the girls take out their ragged dolls and gossip.

"Why is she alone all the time? It's like she's afraid of people or something, I hope it's not contagious!" Tina, a bratty 11 year old giggles as the rest of her younger friends laugh along. She feels me starring and meets my gaze. Her eyes open in shock, and now I not only feel like she's talking about me, but I know. She quickly glances away and starts whispering again. Although the spiteful comment should've stirred some kind of emotion in me, it flitted right past me, only placing a cold hand on my heart. I look down at the navy blue table cloth and trace the patterns of it with my fingers.

"What a creep!" Chuckles burst around the table, but I don't look up, I don't even take a glimpse of who said it or who is laughing. The hand that isn't tracing the table cloth, clenches in my lap, my nails dig into my hand, almost drawing blood. The pain in my hand takes away the ache in my heart, but it doesn't last long. Nothing ever did, nothing ever will. Nothing ever lasts forever.

"Boys and girls please have the proper manners that I have taught you." Mrs. Sarah, the orphanage owner steps into the room, and the room goes silent. She takes her seat at the head of the table. Her long auburn curls flow around her and her green eyes blaze with her fierceness and courage. Men her age must think she's beautiful, but to me she looked like a haggard demon that had crawled out of the depths of hell. The kids loved her and admired her charm and energy, but that was because she treated them with kindness and care. She treated me like a failure and a lost cause, and the worst part was that she was sympathetic of me. When she talked to me, she looked at me with sad eyes and her voice melted with sincerity.

"Now before we say grace I would like to announce some very exciting news." Her eyes glitter with happiness and redefined hope and her whole body seems to jump up and down with joy. She pauses for effect. "It seems as though our dear Tina will be receiving new foster parents!" The room erupts into cheers and chatter. Mrs. Sarah raises her hand, waiting for silence to regain control. Soon everyone shut their mouths again. "Tina's parents will be here to pick her up in two days, so lets help her to prepare for a brand new life!" Mrs. Sarah basically sings. Tina and her friends hug each other as tears stream down Tina's face. Tina smiles so widely, I wonder if her face would crack. I have my own smile smacked onto my shell, it's so believable that I would bet that Chris wouldn't have seen the difference between this and my real smile. This time Mrs. Sarah waits for everyone to calm down themselves.

"Everyone, it is time for grace." Everyone folds their hands together automatically, even I do. "Thank you lord for this lovely meal that you have prepared for us. Please bless each and everyone here at this table, and please bless Tina in the hope that she will have a long, happy, and full life. We all wish for the best for Tina, and I hope that whatever beautiful life you have planned for her, is filled with happiness, dreams, and love. Thank you, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen." Everyone says the last part together and digs into their disgusting but healthy food. The beef was too chewy and the vegetables were too soft, but I ate anyway. Unlike my old life, if I didn't like the food, I was not going to get any thing else to eat. When I'm done I sit waiting for everyone else to finish. Because I'm the oldest, I have to clear the table and clean the plates by hand. Sometimes the chef helped me, but I think he felt the awkward, dark, poor atmosphere that circled around me, so he didn't do that often.

How long does it take to clean 21 dishes by hand? An hour, and how do I manage to do this on school mornings? I don't, everyone clears their own plate. When I cut my finger on a knife I freeze and watch as the blood dribbles down my palm.

"You know you should really put a band-aid on that." Mrs. Sarah is behind me, her mouth at my ear. I jump, not realizing that she had been behind me the whole time. It only takes a second for me to place the mask of Barbie back on my face.

"Oh, Mrs. Sarah, I didn't see you there! Silly me, the blood sort of scared me for a second, I forgot what to do." My face lights up as though I just remembered that when you cut yourself you're supposed to stop the bleeding. Mrs. Sarah reaches into her pocket and pulls out a band-aid.

"Here, take this, I always carry one around." She hands it to me then scoots up to sit on the counter. I notice how young she is for a second, she must be 25, certainly no older then her late twenties. She studies me intently, as I wrap the band-aid around my injured finger. I don't look up at her though, and continue to wash the dishes. "I received a phone call the other day." Mrs. Sarah's tone becomes serious; my heart leaps in fear of what she might say next.

"Mmm?" I mumble when she doesn't continue.

"It was about Chris." The plate that I was currently holding, slips out of my hands and shatters on the ground. Questions arise in my brain and worry clenches my heart. I glare daggers at Mrs. Sarah as one layer of my mask is pried off.

"What about Chris?" I purposely make my tone unreadable, but Mrs. Sarah looks a little taken back at my sudden actions.

"Chris is fine…well physically at least. Let's both take a deep breath before I continue, shall we? 1, 2, 3, breath in, breath out." She takes a deep breath, but I do not, trying to convince myself not to push her through the window.

"Tell me what is wrong with Chris." I say through my teeth. Mrs. Sarah flinches at my tone and shakes her head in disappointment.

"No need to get worried Miranda. Do you need to go back to you're therapist again? Remember anger and sadness is-"

"I don't need to go back to my therapist, there's nothing wrong with me." I spit out the lie with acid burning my tongue. "Just tell me what is wrong with Chris." My tone becomes cold and hard.

"Its seems as though he is not happy with his life where he currently stands now. He plans on renting an apartment a few blocks away from here. He is not old enough to live on his own, but he said that if things start to go wrong he will come back here. He has also made the request to see you when he gets here." Mrs. Sarah jumps off the table and helps me clean up the plate. A mixture of emotions fill my body, hope, relief, fear, and confusion. I couldn't have him see me like this; he would be able to see right through my disguise. I wanted to see him so badly though, maybe if I saw him I would be healed. Maybe he would let me live with him if I paid some of the rent. Maybe I could be happy again.

"I'm surprised that you aren't jumping up and down with joy." Mrs. Sarah mutters. My hands hover over where I'm sweeping up the broken plaster.

"Oh trust me I am, on the inside." I sarcastically laugh. Mrs. Sarah doesn't pick up on my sarcasm though and continues.

"This is going to be so exciting! I haven't seen him since he was going through his awkward stage! Little Chris, I used to read him bed time stories, even though he was a teenager. Always treating me like his mother. He was such a nice boy. I hope he hasn't changed much." Mrs. Sarah talks more to herself, than she does to me.

"Me too." I find myself whispering. Ms. Sarah's mother used to own the orphanage, and they both owned a room together, so Ms. Sarah has known Chris and I since we were young. She was in highschool back then, but she took care of us all the time. I shake my head trying to get into my plastic character. I smile a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes, as I throw away the remains of the plate. "So, when is he arriving?"

"He's moving to his apartment on Wednesday, and will be enrolled into your school next Monday. I think we should go and help him move in, don't you agree?" She answers, with that dopey smile on her face. Wednesday is only two days away, could I manage to think up of a complex disguise by then? I'd have to wear long sleeves, maybe the blue one that's a V-neck. It was my mothers, I took it with me because I marveled at the way it complimented my mom's frame while making her look fearless. I could wear my old light blue jeans, which I got in 8th grade. Surprisingly they still fit me; they seem to change their shape along with me. They are the only pants I own that fit right. Did he like slutty girls? I sure hope not. I wonder what he looks like; when we were kids he had light brown hair and baby blue eyes. Any girl would've fallen for him. I wonder if he laughs the same, I remember his laugh being so funny to listen to that I would laugh at his laughter. I wonder if his eyes still reflect what he feels inside, and if they would light up when he see's me again.

"Well, don't you think we should help him unpack?" Mrs. Sarah repeats, pulling me out of my day dreams.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Only if he wants us to though, I don't want to impose." I absent mindedly add. Mrs. Sarah laughs as though I had just said a joke.

"You're his best friend, trust me he will want you there." Mrs. Sarah beams and saunters out of the room. And for the first time in years, a real smile breaks and spreads on my face, even if I still had 15 plates left to clean.

**A/N: PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! this is my first fanfiction, and i just recently fixed some confusing mistakes and made it a little more interesting because lets face it, introducing characters can be very boring unless they are supernatural, so please read more because I promise you this does get more exciting! please review! thanks for reading hope you enjoyed!**


	2. School's Humiliations

2.

I wake up to a pounding fist on the door. "Miranda, it's time to get up." Mrs. Sarah raps at the door one last time before moving on to wake up the other kids. I sit up in bed as I yawn and stretch. This is the only wake call I am going to get, so I had to get up. I turn to my bed side table and flip on the only light that my room has. I glance at the clock and sigh at the time. 6:00, better get moving. I stumble to my dresser and take out a long sleeve shirt and a pair of short jeans. Once I'm dressed I stuff my books in my backpack and head to the bathroom. There is a girls bathroom and a boys bathroom. They look similar to public restrooms, they have stalls and a large mirror with sinks along it. The only difference is that peoples tooth brushes are in cups along the sink's counter.

When I arrive at the bathroom, Tina is the only one in line. Tina's eyes narrow at me. "I am so glad that I'm getting out of this place." She mutters, loud enough for me to hear. I shoot her a death glare, that scares her so bad that she nearly runs into the stall when it opens up. I continue my daily routine and finally get down to breakfast. Breakfast on weekdays is sort of like a buffet, there is the choice of toast, bagel, eggs, or French toast. I wouldn't try eating the eggs or eating the French toast, so I grab a bagel. By the end, I am basically ushered out the door to catch the bus. If you miss the bus, you must walk, and that's about 15 blocks away. Oh, and you have to run if you don't want to be late.

I suck in a deep breath before stepping onto the bus. I drain all emotion and feelings from my body and step onto the bus that brings me to my second life. Some people have a double personality illness, I don't think I have it though, because I choose to have two. The people who have the illness, don't mean to have two. I choose to let no one in, let no one know the real me. It hurts less that way.

"Miranda, back here!" My 'best' friend Cameron calls from the back of the bus. I should probably mention that whenever I 'smile' or 'laugh' this whole day at school, it's all artificial, forced, and unnatural. Happiness shouldn't have to be forced. Every time I force an expression of joy, a little piece of the real me is scratched off and lost, lost to a place where I'll never find it.

"Oh my gosh, hey!" I hug her and sit down next to her.

"So what did you do this weekend?" Cameron leans closer to me, probably hoping she could get some gossip from me, even though she knows that when its about my personal life, she comes up dry.

"You know the usual, work, do homework, clean." I chuckle. Cameron's shoulders sag in defeat, but I act as if I hadn't noticed it. "Anyway what did you do?" Cameron's eyes light up, happy for the conversation to get interesting.

"Well I went to a party, which you were invited to. Why didn't you come?" She asks, even though she already knows the answer.

"I was too tired, working all week day and night, takes it all out of me." I affirm what she had been thinking.

"Well you missed a good party! There was a lot of drama though. Dawn and Dan hooked up, even though Dan is dating Hilary…" I smile and nod and pretend to be angry at the appropriate times, each emotion as false as the last. When we arrive at school I am welcomed with many "Hi!" and "Did you have a good weekend?" My supposal friends are Dawn, Cameron, Chelsea, Sam, Ron, and John. They are my close friends, I have other people who I talk to and who I could consider to be my friends, but we never hang out other then the class I have with them. When I enter our circle, Dawn is pouting and Ron is talking about getting wasted at a party that happened over the weekend.

"So I'm starting to coax the girl to get in bed with me, when I puked everywhere. The girl screamed and ran away…it was one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me." Ron shakes his head at the embarrassment. Dawn sighs, and speaks up to share her story.

"Well, at least you weren't used. I thought Dan really cared about me, and he made me feel beautiful for a couple of minutes, but that was before the camera flashes and laughter. I just hope that Hilary dumps him hard." Dawns eyes become watery and she is forced to look away. What a baby.

"Ron how stupid can you get? Don't drink so much, there's no point, when you're drunk everyone eventually hates you, and you usually make a fool out of yourself or spill someone's, or your own, secret. And Dawn what exactly happened? You should've known he was a user the moment you knew he was dating Hilary." Chelsea is the motivator/ punisher of the group. She's one of those people who's a lover not a fighter, but believe me she WILL fight for what she believes in. And God, if she knew what I was doing, what I did to myself, my ear would be chewed to a bloody nub, before I even had the time to get out of bed. She's not afraid to get in a fight with the biggest jocks at school, but is afraid of a baby spider. I respect her, and even my real self could've been friends with her. Dawn is left speechless and pushes past her mumbling something about getting to class.

"Chelsea, sometimes you can be such a bitch, even if you are telling the truth." Ron announces. Chelsea turns to him and grins.

"I know." Chelsea tosses her long brown hair over her shoulder. "Good morning Miranda and Cameron, I hope your weekends were better then Ron's and Dawns."

"Oh trust me, mine was! Mark and I had our first kiss!" Cameron squeals, and soon her and Chelsea are jumping up and down with the excitement.

"Oh my god, I need details!" Chelsea nearly screams. The two girls go off into their own conversation, ignoring the rest of us. I go over to the wall and slide down it. Sam comes and sits next to me.

"You're never really into that girl stuff." He claims, brown eyes boring into mine. I feel awkward with him staring at me like that, so I look away, and find the opposite wall comforting.

"Yeah well, call me crazy, but I never understood any of it."

"Ah-bviously, but how can you really understand anything when you can't see anything past those bushy eyebrows? Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?" A shrill voice penetrates me in the darkest parts of myself. Even though I partly agreed with her (on the being ugly part), I absolutely despised girls like her. Instead of Sam responding, I look up into dark brown eyes, so dark that they were almost black, the color of her heart.

"You know Amber, sometimes I'd like to see things from your point of view, but unfortunately I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass." I curtly remark, and before she can say anymore I say goodbye to Sam and shoot down the hallway. Amber, where could I begin with her? Well she was probably the older version of Tina (A.K.A, a bitch). Was she beautiful? Sadly yes, and therefore all of the guys went for her. She got to be a slut, whore, and goody good, all at the same time. All the adults thought she was fabulous and all of the girls in our grade looked up to her as though she was some sort of goddess. Goddess married to Hades, I'd accept. For some reason though, she had chosen me to hate more than anyone else in the whole entire school. She often made fun of my clothes and my school work, and once in a while she would try to show people my imperfections. For example, my eyebrows being bushy. She's one of the perfect reasons why I cut myself, and wish my life would come to an end.

When I'm in my classes, away from my friends, I sometimes forget about covering my thoughts. If you looked at my notes you would notice broken hearts and see eyes with tears in them. I never realize it when I'm drawing them, but then when I glance away then look back at the page, they're suddenly there. Some of the people who sit in the row next to me notice the doodles, but they don't so much as give me a look of disgust. I ignore them though and continue to push away the emotions that rise in my throat, sometimes in the form of a rock that no matter how many times I try to swallow it back down, it still sits there. Occasionally my eyes begin to sting, but I am so used to it by now, that I know a quick stab of pain in my hand will stop the tears before they show up on my face.

"Miranda, what did you get for this question?" My French teacher, Madame Maddie drags me out of my day dreams. I look hazily at the board, trying to figure out what the hell she's talking about. I look down at the book open in front of me and automatically respond.

"As-tu une voiture ou un velo?" My monotone voice hangs in the air as Madame Maddie seems upset that she didn't actually catch me off guard.

"Uh, tres bien Miranda!" I return my gaze back to the window and watch birds, who are most likely flying south for the winter, take flight. I envy them and their ability to fly freely, and ability to go anywhere they want. I frown when I realize that I would never be able to fly, and will always be grounded, like a baby bird never learning how to fly, jumping and trying, but falling every time, and one of these days, one of these falls are going to kill me.

I advance through my day and go to lunch. I shake myself into getting rid of all emotion and replace it with a pointless smile. Just as I do so, Sam comes up behind me and slaps my back.

"Hey!" He basically shouts. I lightly punch him on his arm, straining my smile the whole time.

"Hi!"

"How were your first couple classes?" He asks, his teeth are so white I'm almost blinded.

"Fine. How were yours?" I say just to be polite. None of my 'friends' ever seem to notice that they're the ones to start all of the conversations.

"Well Mr. Buckams caught me texting in class, and now my phone is with him and I have to see him at the end of the day." I clench my teeth together, trying not to blurt out 'at least you have a phone!'

"Ouch, that sucks." I finally manage to speak calmly. Somehow Sam realizes that I got mad and winces.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to insult you." He seems deeply concerned so I am forced to accept his apology. Before long we meet up with my other friends and we sit down at 'our' table.

"So guys, my friend from the orph- my childhood," I quickly recover and continue, "is moving here, and is going to be going to our school on Monday." Camerons eyes widen with shock, before they light up with excitement.

"You mean next Monday!" Cameron is bouncing in her seat. Her enthusiasm disgusts me. I flinch with everyone's eyes on me, and protectively graze my wrists, making sure they were covered. Despite my feeling of unease I simper and pretend to glow with happiness.

"Yeah!" I squeal, and hold back a grimace.

"Is she pretty?" John and Ron's eyes glitter with the hope of me having a slutty friend. I am taken back but slap the smile back onto my face.

"Oh goodness no, he is not a girl." I giggle to play along with the situation, even though it sounds like a gorilla.

"Oops, sorry, John and I just figured that we were your only guy friends, other then Sam." Ron looks utterly confused as I try to brush off the insult. Most people would just brush off the comment, and think nothing of it, but not me.

I stare at them for a moment before forcing a smile and say, "What do you mean?"

"Oh no, we didn't mean that you weren't pretty enough or hot enough to have guy friends, we just assumed that you didn't have many because you aren't very outgoing." Sam thinks that he has covered for him and his friends, but he slowly realizes what he has said. Everyone is staring at him open mouthed, all except me that is. Sam's eyes suddenly become extremely wide in shock as he frantically tries to recover. "Umm, that came out wrong! Forget that you heard that, you are a really smart and beautiful girl and you are brave and amazing and have a hot body. I'm surprised that guys AREN'T throwing themselves at you."

"Nice recovery man!" John slaps Sam on the back and Sam's face becomes red. I am fighting down a rock in my throat, and my eyes feel a pinch from humiliation. I swallow down my bubbling emotions and turn my gaze to everyone else.

"Umm, anyway, his name is Chris and he's an amazingly sweet guy. Just treat him nicely, okay? He has been going through some hard times lately and I don't want anyone giving him a hard time."

"What do you mean 'going through some hard times'?" Cameron heads straight for the gossip as always. I couldn't say anything about his real problems without everyone finding out my secret so I shake my head and put a finger up to my mouth as if I am shushing somebody.

"Sorry that information is confidential, I can't tell anyone. I wouldn't mention it to him at all either, unless you like having your head shoved up your ass." I smirk and meet everyone's eyes getting the point across that I can and will hurt them if they try to bring it up. I couldn't afford any of them knowing my real situation, because then they would know that everything they knew about me is a lie. It is so much easier for them to believe lies then having them know the truth. What they don't know can't hurt them, right?

"Okay we'll be as nice as we possibly can to your friend." Sam gets a little too close for comfort and I am tempted to scoot away, but I don't and take my chances and narrow my eyes at him.

"Are you being sarcastic?" My voice lets him know that if he was joking then he's going home with a black eye. His teasing eyes become warm as his leg leans into mine.

"No, I would do anything for you." His gaze becomes locked with mine, and secretly my breath gets caught in my throat. The feeling of sheer terror pulses through my veins. My face bursts into flames and I stand up, pretending I heard nothing.

"Right, well I have to go see my math teacher about my test." I grab my backpack and scurry out of the cafeteria as fast as I can. Instead of going to my teacher I run into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. I look at myself in the mirror, and am not surprised to see the madness in my eyes. The bathroom door opens and closes, foot steps echo off the walls on the bathroom. I quickly grab paper towels and wipe off the water on my face, but I freeze when I see a familiar pair of eyes glaring at me, reflecting off the bathroom mirror.


	3. A Glimpse Of An Angel

3.

Chelsea's eyes flash when she sees me watching her in the mirror. I spin around and throw out the paper towels and pretend to not notice her as I push open the door to leave. She grabs my wrist though and swings me back into the bathroom before I rip my wrist away from her, praying that she didn't notice anything irregular about it.

"I can't believe you." She scolds with a hard voice. I shrug my shoulders and act as if nothing has happened.

"What do you mean? I had to go see my teacher about my test."

"Shut up! Stop lying, I know that you get straight A's so don't say anything about failing a freaking test. I just can't believe that you would leave Sam like that." She nearly screamed, but the venom in her voice kept it from reaching a full out scream. I didn't mention how I had been lying to her from day one, and how I wasn't going to stop anytime soon just because she asked me to.

"What do you mean 'leaving Sam like that'?" I coax my head in confusion, even though I know what she's talking about.

"Okay now you're aggravating me. You and I both know that you know exactly what I'm talking about. You can't hide stuff from me." Her voice should be menacing, but being my plastic self, it takes no meaning. I hide back a smirk, knowing that I could hide the whole world from her and she wouldn't expect a thing.

"No, actually I don't know, now if you could excuse me, I have some business to take care of." I spit out, getting irritated, myself. Why couldn't people just leave me alone? I turn to leave but Chelsea's chilling voice makes me stop and glare at her.

"That's what you do isn't it! Once someone wants to get close to you, you shut them out. I know you don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings but what you just did in there hurt Sam, it hurt him bad. He just left saying nothing. NOTHING, but I guess you're used to nothing aren't you? That's what you are inside, nothing, because apparently if anything's right and happy, to you have to make it wrong and depressing. Well you can go have fun with that by yourself, because if you don't change, then no ones going to want to hang out with a selfish, upsetting, and self centered, jerk like yourself."

"Oh please, you know nothing about me, and don't be talking when you're not too far from that yourself." My hands were curled into fists by my sides shaking in fury. Surprisingly Chelsea's eyes become soft and sad as she looks at the ground with her hands crossed over her chest.

"You know what maybe you're right; I don't know this side of you. Don't bother to talk to me until you're back to the person that I'm friends with, when you're not this naïve child, who doesn't care about anyone but herself." Chelsea starts to walk swiftly away. But before she shuts the bathroom door behind her, she looks at me with hopeless eyes. "Stay away from Sam, as well, until you're grown up enough to tell him that you don't like him that way." Chelsea's quiet voice barely reaches me as I hunch over the bathroom counter. I look up to meet my face in the mirror. I look even crazier then I had before. Pieces of my hair had fallen out of my pony-tail, standing up around my face, my pupils had gotten small and my eyes had gotten wide, giving me a crazed look of madness. My regularly tanned face is now red with anger and my long sleeve shirt slips off my shoulder. Why such a stupid fight bother me so much? It isn't like I even care about Chelsea, Sam or the rest of them. My hands clench together so hard that the whites of my knuckles flash off the reflection of the mirror.

I am tempted to scream to let out my frustrations, but I hold it in and place a crazed smile on my face. I stand up off the counter and fix my hair and my shirt. I wait for a glassy shine to fold itself across my eyes before I grab my backpack and leave the bathroom. However, before I leave I turn around and look at the room, only to see a figure of my real self, sitting in the darkest corner of the bathroom, curled up in a tight ball, and I swear I can almost hear my own petrified screams echo off the room. I turn out the lights and close the door behind me, leaving my soul to be entrapped in the darkness that I had been born into; making sure no one could ever find me.

I wander around the school, while I should be at lunch. I am puzzled at the emotions that are stirring within me. I feel, gross. Not because of what Chelsea said to me, but because of what I did to Sam. Did he like me? Or was he just saying that because he was joking and thought I wouldn't take it seriously. Then again Chelsea made it seem like he was really upset after I rejected him like that. Even though in my plastic self I feel nothing and don't take anything too seriously (well unless people are talking crap about me) I still had my morals, and being generally nice to people was one of them. Well more like I can be mean to someone, but not so mean that they spend the rest of their day crying. I felt like that was exactly what I did to Sam. Which made me feel wrong and dirty and…guilty.

I rounded the corner and bump into someone who I really didn't want to talk to, but of course I am sucked into the conversation. At first Cameron doesn't notice me, and I think that I might be able to sneak by, but that's before she looks up to my nervous stare and races over to me.

"Oh my god! Can you believe that Sam said that! I honestly had no idea that he liked you that way. I mean I thought he digged skater chicks, but I guess I was wrong. What are you going to do?" Cameron babbles, with eyes popping out of her head. I look away from her gaze and grit my teeth together. This had nothing to do with her, it had to do with Sam and I, not her or anyone else. Couldn't anyone understand that! A breath hisses out of my mouth with a hard sigh.

"I don't know. I don't think that I like him that way." I am about to come up with some excuse to leave, but Cameron manages to ramble on.

"Yeah I know exactly what you're talking about. He is sweet and smart and stuff, but he isn't that cute and he's too innocent. I mean you're pretty innocent too but you at least have some back bone and aren't afraid to mess around in the dirt. You know where I'm coming from?"

"Mhm." I roll my eyes but then remember to put on my fake expression and smile. "I know exactly where you're coming from, I can't put my finger on it but I couldn't ever date him."

"OMG I know! Anyway I was out here because once you left it got really awkward because once Sam got up, Ron and John followed him. Then Chelsea gets up and stomps away and I'm left with Dawn. I love Dawn but she's so melodramatic, you know? So I end up saying I should probably go cool down Chelsea, but I couldn't find her. So here I am. Anyway so what are you doing out here, I thought you were going to see your teacher." Cameron leaves me exhausted and frustrated. I am thankful for her giving me an excuse to leave.

"Yeah well I'm still looking for her, so see you later!" I am about to duck down the hall and pull out my ipod to organize my thoughts when her annoying squeal of a voice keeps me from going anywhere without her.

"Wait, can I come with you? I really don't want to go back in the cafeteria with Dawn and I don't know where Chelsea is so…" She anxiously waits for an answer, as I search for a valid reason for her not to come with me. I am about to suck in a breath when her other friend Amanda trots down the hall and barges into our conversation.

"Hey Cameron! Hi Miranda." Amanda's sparkle like she has just won a million dollars, even though it is the complete opposite of exciting to see someone in the hall. Cameron flips out as well and says heeeyyy! I murmur a simple hi, and turn my gaze away from them as they go off into their own little "wonderful" worlds.

"Okay you can go see you're teacher now, I think I'm going to go back to lunch with Amanda. Bye!" Cameron doesn't even wait for my reply as she turns skips down the hall with her arm through Amanda's. "Okay so you'll never guess what happened today. Sam admitted that he likes Miranda…" Cameron blabs, not caring if I don't really want or need anyone else to know. I scowl at her; she had no right to speak about anyone else's business. If she wanted to tell the world that she pissed her pants last year because she was laughing too hard, then good for her, but she shouldn't go around babbling about other people's problems. She's another reason why I hate the world. Everyone knew everything about you, and they gossip about it and judge you just because they can and they have no life of their own to talk about. Either that or they chose to not talk about their own life because they thought they were too perfect and that nothing could be wrong with them, even though everything could be wrong with them. They probably think I'm weird, stupid, and a goody-good. I know they're mean, mindless, stupid, cheaters, that try to act like whores in front of guys in hope that they will get to hook up with them later. I am not saying that I am better then them I'm just saying that at least I'm not showing my boobs to people just to get them to like me. Just saying.

I watch Cameron skip around the corner with a disgusting glow around her, and for an instant she looks like an ugly, fat troll, who's big fat lips can't make one syllable without spitting everywhere. I spin around and turn away from the illusion that makes me want to vomit. I turn on my Ipod, before fading into the song that gives me enough strength to take a step forward, and not curl up into a ball and dissolve into sobs.

When I get home from school, I do homework for a couple of hours before I find myself with nothing to do. I lie down on my bed and listen to my music, before finally falling asleep. I awake to a bright light shining in my eyes. I squint in hope that the light will go away, but it doesn't. I angrily grunt and sit up in my bed, only to be stunned by the beauty of the moon. I only have one window in my room, but the moon is so full and bright, it fills the room with a mysterious white light. I slowly step over to the window and stare at it for a few moments. I look down to the streets and see everything lit up in moon dust that is glazed with magic. My broken smile fills my lips, which I don't bother to hide. I am so entrapped by the beauty of it all, I grab my thin coat and go outside. No one notices that I leave and I am sure that they would never know that I am gone because I am always in my room. I step out onto the sidewalk, and thankfully there are not many cars to take away from the beauty. The street lamps light are drowned out by the moon, leaving me to be covered in the moons light. A light wind stirs and I close my eyes, promising that no matter what I would never forget the few beauties that this world has to offer, because without them, I would have been dead a long time ago.

A man stirs in the car that sits in front of the orphanage. His wavy brown hair is matted down with sweat from a nightmare. The man murmurs a name that sounds similar to Miranda, but the name is so filled with sleep it is hard to distinguish it. He jerks awake shortly after and nearly hits his head on the roof of the car. He squints against the harsh light that has filled his black Toyota Camry. Once his vision clears he sees a dark figure standing on the sidewalk in front of him. He is taken away by her angelic features. Her hair begins to flow behind her from the incoming wind, and glitters with the moons light. Her cheeks are flushed with the chill of the evening and her lips look moist and smooth. Her body has curves that would make any man want her, and the wind pushes her clothes tighter to her body, only making her curves stand out more. Her skin glows a warm tan even though it is being caressed with the white glow of the moon. When her eyes open he sees two sparkling oceans reflect off of them giving him a feeling of longing, love, and hope which made him feel alive, after being left in the dark for so long. Before long he notices something tugging at his memories, and it leaves him puzzled, something about this fallen angle reminds him of someone. He narrows his eyes trying to grasp the distant memory that had somehow buried itself under his skin. What about this woman had driven him so mad? Suddenly it hit him, his heart filled with joy and excitement as he looked at his best friend, who was now very beautiful and grown. Her hair had gotten longer and her eyes had taken on a more mature, lonely look, her lips looked more appealing and she had certainly grown in areas that he hadn't even noticed when he was younger. He chuckles to himself, remembering all of the good times they had together, they were inseparable during the day, and sometimes she would sleep with him at night when she was scared. He remembers how she was the light to every dark spot, and she was the ray of warm sunlight in the middle of winter. She was the rainbow to every storm. "Miranda." He whispers, as though the name itself could make all the pain go away that had infected his heart.

The next day at school is the same as the last, boring, foolish, and disgusting. I don't run into Amber, which is a plus, but Sam ignored me and seemed really upset which is a huge minus. I have a ton of homework and a test on Thursday, and I don't know how I am going to do it all while helping Chris unpack. However, I do know that I am completely anxious and nervous to see Chris again. don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to see him, but good emotions are easily overthrown with the bad. Everyday it is harder for me to keep up my act, because my emotions keep slipping and rising to the surface. This is not good, because I know that if I slip with Chris, he would be able to tell something is wrong from the start. I lean back on my bed, getting lost in my thoughts that keep seeming to get tangled.

"Hey." Mrs. Sarah seems to pop out of no where and makes me jump. She stands in the doorway watching me curiously. I shake my head and put on my mask again.

"Hi." I force the words out of my mouth even though I really just want to ignore her.

"So are you ready to see Chris tomorrow?" Her happiness bubbles up her throat, and I can hear her excitement in her voice.

"Yeah..." My voice is far less exaggerated than hers, and sounds sort of flat and monotone.

"Once again how are you not jumping with joy? Honestly when you two were young I thought you two were meant for each other."

"You did?" For once my voice doesn't hide the surprise that I feel.

"Oh sure! I mean the way you looked at each other with such longing and love, you guys were just screaming soul mates. And I knew you two used to sneak into each others rooms at night. I thought you were dating but I-" My eyes widen and jaw opens in shock. She laughs at my expression before reading my mind. "How did I know that? It was obvious! You were naïve children, and I was an intelligent 22 year old." She beams at me, but I don't buy it for a second. I cross my arms over my chest and raise my eyebrow, probably looking similar to a mother trying to get the truth out of her child.

"Okay fine you caught me! It was really easy to tell because once in a while you would be out of your room and when I went to check on Chris, he would already be up." She puts her hands up in defeat.

"Well that still proves nothing." I say, remembering how careful we would be to make sure that no one knew that we had spent the night in each others room.

"Well it does when there was a bump in the covers at the end of the bed, underneath a pile of clean clothes." She giggles as I put my hand over my mouth, suppressing a chuckle.

"We did not!" I guess in my younger years, I wasn't as clever as I remember. Despite myself I start to laugh, like really laugh. It feels amazing to laugh, I don't remember the last time I laughed without having to force it. It probably happened when Chris was still around.

"Well I came to tell you that its time to eat, so come down." Mrs. Sarah switches the mood, and suddenly I am thrown back into reality. I am no longer a sneaky child, with hope, dreams and happiness trailing behind my every mood. Instead I am a grown teenager, knowing too much about the world to know that dreams are just another piece of our imagination, and hope is just something people try to use to soften the blow of reality. Happiness had been smothered out a long time ago, and the result is a constant tight feeling in my chest that makes me want to rip my heart out just to make the pain go away. What can I say? When someone is left alone bleeding in the corner, hope sort of dies out when no one bothers to rescue you. Happiness dies once your heart shrivels up from the loss of blood. And dreams? Please, they were smashed the moment I was left alone, because the only thing in this world that makes dreams prosper and grow, is love, and true love only exists in fairytales.

I close the book I am reading and stand up to follow Mrs. Sarah. I don't bother to mark the page that I was on because I already know that the ending is a happily ever after, and after reading too many "happily ever afters", it starts to get upsetting. Why does it get upsetting? Well let me ask you this. Why get yourself drunken on happiness, on something that could never live outside of books and movies. Sometimes it is better to face reality then to hold yourself up so high, and fall that far when you realize that everything that you could have ever wanted, no needed, was inside your head the whole time, and never could you have what you were so desperate for.

The next day of school is so nerve wracking. I ended up wearing my mothers blue long-sleeved shirt with my white tank top and favorite blue jeans. I even went through the effort of braiding my hair after I got out of the shower last night, so when I undid it in the morning, my hair came out in silky waves.

You know that when you're looking forward to something at the end of the day, then the day goes by really slow, but when you are dreading for something then the day goes by really fast? Yeah well I think nature is purposefully torturing me. Even though its great that my classes flew by today…I still had to come back to the orphanage and meet up with Mrs. Sarah, to see Chris.

When I come into the orphanage I drop my cinderblock of a backpack, and wait for Mrs. Sarah to come down with her car keys. I glance in the mirror to make sure that everything is in check, but then look away once I realize what I am doing. Why should I care what I look like? Its not like I have to look at myself and get tortured by my sickly appearance. I recompose myself and take a deep breath trying to calm my jittery nerves.

"I know, I'm nervous too. I wonder what he looks like. Do you think he'll be cute?" Mrs. Sarah comes out of the shadows, once again she caught me off guard. I spin around and face the door getting myself into my plastic character, silently making sure that there was not one soft spot that would show. "Right, well there's no point in wondering when the real boy is only a few minutes away." Mrs. Sarah weaves her way around me and pushes open the door, allowing pure sunlight to flood into the dark room that stands behind me. I glare at her figure, teasing mine, in such a way that makes me want to run up to my room and hide. Her hair once again makes mine seem like a pile of hay next to hers, and I begin to wonder why exactly I am going anyway. My stomach clenches at the thought of Chris already having his group friends, and that he wants no part of me. I am probably only going to be a burden anyway at unloading stuff. I'm not very strong or athletic. I am suddenly filled with the realization that I didn't want to get in Chris's way. I turn around but am stopped by a slender hand snaking itself around my wrist.

I turn to see Mrs. Sarah's soft eyes, that are reading sympathy. I resisted spitting at her; I hated it when she did that. "Oh no, your not leaving me alone on this one." Her sweet, but viscous voice forces me to face her and ignore all feelings that I had before. I mentally drain all energy from my body, so that I will simply not have the energy to show my emotions when I see Chris. I plaster on a smile and step through the door way, preparing myself for the worst.

**Okay so yay I got my first couple reviews! So I would like to thank them by giving them a shout out TopazDestined and Binkybaby! YAY! Thank you so much I feel so accomplished! So to answer your question Binkybaby, because it is sort of confusing, so Miranda is excited about Chris coming back, she's just extremely nervous about him rejecting her, or finding out about her problems, because she feels if either one of them were to happen then that would literally kill her. And as upset as she is, she is still kind of scared of death, and she's desperate to find one thing that's right about her. **

**Anyway so I will try to update this as often as possible. I'll try to update next week b4 February brake because I know I won't have a lot of time during brake. So thanks 4 reading, hope you like it so far!**


	4. Foreign Happiness

4.

I look out the passenger side window, watching the colors blur as the scenery rushes past the car. I can't seem to remember the last time I sat in a car, I've ridden a bus to and from school but that was about it. Anxiety makes my stomach churn as I think of what lay ahead. Mrs. Sarah takes side long glances, searching me, for reasons I couldn't place. My fingers fidget in my lap, and leg bounces up and down with anticipation. I try to make time go by slower by watching the clock and focusing on every minute detail that is going on in the car, like Mrs. Sarah's fingers thumping the steering wheel, but in these five minutes the world has never spun faster. Mrs. Sarah pulls over onto the curb, and twists the key; soon the purr of the engine dies off. My heart begins to hammer in my chest; I'm surprised I'm not having a heart attack. Mrs. Sarah looks over at me with sparkling eyes and an eager smile.

"You ready for this?" She beams. As much as I want to say 'hells no bring me back to the orphanage', I remember to close my eyes and let all emotions fade until I can hardly feel them. I open them again and give a tight nod. "Okay then lets go!" She squirms to unbuckle her seat belt and practically kicks out the door. I suck in a deep breath and swallow down any left over bubbling emotions. I slowly unbuckle my own seat belt and hesitate before opening the door. I swing my legs out first before pulling the rest of me out by holding onto the sides of the door. I stand up and am welcomed by a pouncing Mrs. Sarah and squeals that make me want to grimace. I can tell that she is hugging someone, no wait, let me start over. I can tell that she is squeezing someone to death, but I can't see the persons face because of Mrs. Sarah fritting this way and that, bouncing up and down. My heart clenches as she steps away to reveal a gorgeous man in front of her.

It isn't hard for him and me to find each others gaze. Staring back at me are glittering hazel eyes that are all too familiar. The man's light brown hair is thrown into a messy style, that only makes him that much more attractive and his soft lips are pulled upwards into a crooked smile, that made my heart melt. His sharp cheek bones gave him a look of fierceness, but the compassionate look in his eyes said otherwise. His sharp nose reminded me of faint memories that were buzzing through my head. Although it is in the middle of November, and the cool winter air is starting to take its hold, you could tell that this man had been working out so he was hot (it should be known that I used both meanings of this word here) and was wearing a t-shirt. The man moves his muscular arm, which is covered in a sleek shirt of sweat, up to his head to run his fingers through his hair.

"Well, geese Miranda, you look so…different." He has a twinkle in his eyes, so I know that he means it in a good way, but he is expecting me to act the way I used to when I was with him. I take an invisible deep breath, getting ready for my ultimate test of character. I cross my arms over my chest and make my eyebrows shoot up.

"Well Chris, is different good or bad?" I say, having a little shard of happiness being returned to me, because he is now with me again, and he was the one who took all my happiness with him in the first place. His eyes light up when he realizes that I was the same girl that he so desperately didn't want to leave.

"Hmmm, well lets see…" He takes long strides to get over to me and starts to look at me up and down with narrowed eyes, studying me. I feel self-conscious but I try to hide it, for the Miranda he left behind was confident and wouldn't back down for ANYTHING, nothing at all. Unfortunately, when he left that Miranda behind, I left her behind as well. He reaches out and twirls a strand of my hair around his large masculine finger. I feel his warm breath caressing my cheek, smelling like spear mint, smelling just like always. "The hair is a little darker and shorter; making you look a little more mature, and trust me you needed that." He chuckles. He then pulls my chin up and his gaze bores into mine, but it's not uncomforting like Sam's gaze had been. I feel like I could see all of his emotions flooding into his eyes. I'm not nervous with him, like I was with Sam. I feel content, comfortable and safe knowing that Chris was right next to me, no longer hundreds of miles away. My best friend is here, someone who understood me and someone who would catch me next time I fall. "Your eyes changed color since last time I saw you, they seem a lot prettier." He says a little quieter, still looking into my eyes. We stand there for a couple more moments, I'm not really sure how long exactly, because I am so mesmerized by Chris's eyes. How could such normally plain things become so interesting! Suddenly he is pulled out of our trance and rests his head on top of mine. "Look I'm also taller then you now!" We both start to laugh at this, remembering how before I was a couple inches taller then him. "All in all, I'd say this is a very good different." He steps away from me and looks at me up and down again, while I slightly blush at his complements.

"Well, you certainly look quiet attractive yourself! What happened to my geeky nerd friend? Its like he died and his angel came down to take his place!" I put a little attitude onto my words, knowing that I had to sound crafty, happy, sly, and sweet all at the same time. He laughs at this and pulls me into a warm bear hug.

"It's been a while hasn't it?" His lips brush against my hair, while I stand there like a complete idiot. I seem to have forgotten how to hug like I mean it. Slowly my arms reach up his back and I lightly hold onto him, scared that this is all a dream. But when I close my eyes and feel his warmth radiating off his skin, and his hard, muscular chest pressed up against my cheek I tighten my arms around him, knowing that it couldn't be a dream. I hold onto him, making sure that he would never let me go ever again.

"It certainly has been much too long." I reply in a whisper. Scenes of my childhood with him flash through my mind as his scent overwhelms me. Axe and his usual fresh and clean smell fill my nose, with a tint of sweat. Although it doesn't sound like a very good scent, it is the best smell I have ever discovered. With Chris everything is amazing though, his laugh relieves my ears from the annoying pounding that always seems to drown out all the other sounds, and I would choose to see him smile then see the most beautiful sight in the world any day, because his smile is the best view in the universe.

"I missed you Miranda." He says tightening his grip around my arms and shoulders. My response is automatic, for I have wished to say these words for so long, I nearly killed myself over these words, literally.

"I missed you too, Chris." My words are so true, it hurts, it hurts so much that my eyes start to sting and my heart begins to ache with a terrible pain. My voice doesn't hide my emotions, it sounds broken and shattered. I didn't want to hide my emotions for the first time since Chris left, because I knew these words were supposed to be spoken with true and pure meaning. I find myself clinging to him, fighting back tears that were threatening to fall. Of coarse Chris notices the way my voice wavers, so he starts to rub my back, knowing that this would comfort me, just like he always did.

"Life sure has been crappy without you." He whispers in my ear, his breath warming my cheek, making me tremble. I hear how his voice is dripping in sadness and my hands clench around his shirt, knowing that my life had grown out of control without him setting me back on track. I stand on my tiptoes, for this is the only way I can whisper in his ear.

"My life has become so incredibly lonely and shitty since you left." I can even hear the sincerity in my own voice as I say it. Once I finish telling him how my life has become I resume my previous position, loving the way his body feels so warm and safe. We both just stand there enjoying being in each others arms again. I realize how I don't really care if he figured out how screwed up my life has become, as long as he doesn't figure out how far I've actually fallen. Someone clears her throat behind Chris, and we finally break our embrace. I blush, when I realize that I have forgotten about Mrs. Sarah and notice how I was lost in Chris's aroma and body.

"Okay, are you guy's ready to help me unpack?" Chris asks us.

"You know it!" I announce lightly punching Chris's arm. Chris looks back down at me with glittering eyes.

"Okay then follow me!" Chris motions us to follow him. _I'd follow you anywhere_. My inner self comments, but I shake the idea out of my head. _We are just friends_, I tell myself, _besides he would never like you that way_. I watch him walk over to his black Toyota Camry, watching the way his eyes sparkled and the way his tongue runs over his smooth lips. Mrs. Sarah is already next to him asking questions that I am curious about too, but I seem to be frozen into place, looking at Chris with new eyes. He always was attractive to me, but now it seems like my eyes have been opened for the first time to true beauty. A slight smile curls my lips at the sight of Chris laughing at whatever Mrs. Sarah had said. I want to be the one to make him smile, I think to myself. I want to be the one to make him laugh, so I could hear true music. I want to be lost in his arms forever, because that is where I could ever be completely and totally happy.

"Miranda are you coming?" Chris looks at me with worrisome eyes. I beam at him and put a hand on my hip for attitude.

"Don't worry pretty boy, I never said anything that meant I wasn't coming." My eyes sparkle as I come over to him, taking a box that weighed a ton. If I had to do this for anyone else I would have dropped the box, not caring about breaking anything, but because I am doing it for Chris, I take extra care in handling the box, making sure to not jolt the box too much, in fear of something breaking. I wait for Chris to grab a box and to close his trunk, not wanting to loose sight of him. Mrs. Sarah is already in the apartments lobby, practically skipping, as Chris and I tag along.

"So you're life hasn't been spectacular in the past couple years?" Chris eyes dart all around my face, looking at every pore and every line, trying to compare me to my younger self.

"No, its been so dead and boring, I don't often go out to hang with my friends and I feel like I'm stuck in the same routine." I don't even brush upon how upsetting my life is, I could tell him the basics, because I refused to lie to Chris, but what he didn't know would not hurt him. "But what about you! You got adopted by such nice people. I mean your mom seemed super kind and-" I stop when I see his body tense and his eyes become dark and distant. My smile fades and I look up at him with sad eyes. "Something happened to your mom." I state, knowing just based on his reaction. Chris just stares straight ahead, not seeing anything or anyone.

"She passed away a year ago." He finally manages to say. I flinch at how cold and broken his voice sounds. Suddenly I am filled with anger; it wasn't fair for him to have to go through death so many times. My hands clutch the box tighter and I frown.

"Well shit Chris I'm sorry you've been through so much, and here I thought I had the worst of it." By the end of the sentence the anger that burns in my veins reflects in my voice, but the bitterness in my voice is directed at me, not at Chris. How selfish could I be! I thought my life was so hard and terrible when Chris was watching all the important people in his life die right in front of him. I bite my tongue trying to extinguish the sudden flash of emotion that had suddenly won over all of my past moments of happiness. Chris stops and stands in the middle of the apartments lobby, and I stop as well. His eyes are so dark with remorse and sadness that I have to put down my box to comfort him. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, pushing back any sounds that would later prove him to be weak. He swallows, probably swallowing down a non-existing rock in his throat. It kills me to see him like this, so for the first time in the longest time, I reach out. My hand hesitantly holds onto his arm, with hardly any force being exerted, while my other hand folds on top of his trying to calm him down, because if he doesn't, the box's life might come to an end within the next couple seconds. Chris seals his eyes shut once he feels me touching him, but before long he opens his eyes and smiles down at me.

"It's fine, I'm fine. Don't worry about it, I'll tell you about it later, but right now we don't want sad sappy stories, we want to have a fun reunion!" He says confidently, even though I can still hear a tinge of uncertainty in his voice. "Oh come on now, don't look at me like that! I told you I'm fine, now let's go unpack." He turns from me, but not fast enough for me to not see the vulnerable, hurt look, return to his face. I pick up my box and follow him; however the feeling of unease still swirls around in my head. I know it is none of my business, but I suddenly feel the need to know what is wrong, and what has happened. We walk over to where Mrs. Sarah is anxiously waiting for us, by the elevator.

"Everything ok?" Mrs. Sarah asks, probably noticing the way we stopped in the middle of the lobby.

"Everything's fine, I just dropped something out of my box and Miranda went to pick it up." Chris answers before I can even open my mouth to reply. I look at him with a little bit of curiosity. I had always thought that he told Mrs. Sarah everything, but yet he kept something really important to just the two of us. I didn't know if he just didn't like to bring it up, especially now when it is supposed to be happy (most likely) or he actually isn't planning on telling Mrs. Sarah every detail of his life anymore. Either way, it filled me with a little joy, knowing that he told me something that he hasn't told anyone else…at least for now. I had no idea why, after all it is such a pathetic thing to get excited about.

"Oh, I see. Anyway I can not wait to see your new apartment! Is it large and nice? I guess as long as there isn't a giant hole in the wall, or any mice running around, it can be considered nice. Nice enough anyway." Mrs. Sarah disregards the way Chris answers her question too quickly, but then again maybe I was the only one to notice it. Chris's glance flicker to mine for a moment, but then, once he see's me looking at him, returns his attention to Mrs. Sarah.

"Well, it's nothing spectacular, but it has a fridge, stove, and bathroom so it's good enough for me." Chris's mouth twitches up into a smile, but the usual sparkle that is usually there never comes. I study his face closely for the first time, and flinch at what I find. His usual bright and happy face, which could light up the world better then the sun can, is unnaturally cheerless and dark. There are dark circles under his eyes, indicating that he had few hours of sleep, if that. His smooth clean face is unshaven (it isn't a beard or anything near that, but there are tiny stubs of hair). His hair is a little wet, showing that the 'sweat' that I saw on him earlier probably was from a shower that he threw himself into right before we got there. His hair is also crazier than normal, despite it's dampness, and a few strands fell into his eyes. His creamy white skin now is pale and transparent. His cheek bones stood out more, but they stood out too much to be from loosing baby fat, signaling that he is under eating. My focus is lost though when the elevator doors slide open, and I am forced to look away, knowing that Chris would be able to basically feel my stare, without all of the previous distractions.

"That's my Chris! Not phased by minor setbacks in life." Mrs. Sarah continues as if Chris is still the tiny kid that left me. Am I the only one to notice how horrible he looks? Not that he looks unattractive, more like pained. Chris is no longer the little kid whom I always teased and made friends with, he has changed, just like me.

Chris just smiles at her before pushing the button to level 13, the top floor. "It's a little bit of a hike, but I'd rather do this then go back to the orphanage. No offense or anything, it's just I'm excited to see what life is really like after school." I glance away from his features, trying to force the sudden rush of agony, back down. He didn't want to come back to the orphanage, even if that meant leaving me alone again. I clench my teeth together and soon I'm back to feeling nothing and looking as blank as a plain piece of paper.

"Just remember that I really shouldn't be doing this in the first place, so if you run into even the tiniest trouble, come back." Mrs. Sarah's eyes burn with fierceness as they bore into Chris's eyes. Chris just puts on one of those crooked smiles that always turned his face from a man's to a god's, and shrugs his broad shoulders in reply. His look basically spells out 'yeah…right…maybe'.

"I am serious Chris. You have to promise me that if anything and I mean ANYTHING, goes wrong, then you will come and speak with me. Do you promise?" Mrs. Sarah's voice suddenly becomes bone chillingly serious and the light heartedness in her eyes completely fades. Chris fidgets under her gaze and is forced to surrender.

"Alright, alright, I promise." When Chris's shoulders sag in defeat, it makes him look even more miserable, but I push the thought aside, though it's impossible to forget about it completely. After all I seemed like the only one to notice it; I am probably looking too closely. Just then the elevator doors snap open only to reveal a long hallway of doors. Mrs. Sarah is already at the end of the hall before anyone could even think 'what the…?'

"How does she even know where to go?" I wonder out loud. Chris and I step out of the elevator and begin to walk.

"You missed it when you were standing there with your mouth wide open while we were unpacking the car." Chris turns to me and balances the box in one arm, and reaches out with the other. He pulls on my chin to open my mouth then inspects the inside. His warm hand somehow wraps my body in some sort of invisible electricity. And even when he drops his hand, my chin still somehow feels the warmth. "That's strange, I thought I saw a fly go in there while you were staring at us. You must have eaten it." His blazing green eyes entrap me in their mystery. I scowl at him nonetheless.

"I wouldn't be talking considering you-"

"Are you guys coming or what?" Mrs. Sarah completely cuts me off. Darn, I had a really good comeback for him. Our eyes immediately swivel to where Mrs. Sarah is pouncing up and down, and we both sigh at the same time.

"Sometimes she acts younger than a three year old." Chris and I say at the same time.

"Jinx!" We say in unison again. "I said it first!" We both say, but there is no winner because we have dissolved into fits of laughter and can hardly walk down the hall. Mrs. Sarah just rolls her eyes at us before ripping the key away from Chris.

"Am I the only one excited to see Chris's apartment?" Mrs. Sarah puts a hand on her hip, and looks at us while twisting the key in the lock. Chris and I look at each other before looking at her and nodding our heads.

"Its not that I'm not excited, its just I'll see it sooner or later, so why rush?" Normally I would have just looked at her as if she was an eye sore, but today I feel refreshed and actually feel…is that a little spark of happiness? Mrs. Sarah's eyes soften and a gentle smile enters her features as she looks at me. I coax my head, wondering why the hell she is doing that, but all thoughts are interrupted when Mrs. Sarah opens the door. I hear Chris suck in a breath, though I am not sure why, I mean he has seen it before, right?

However as soon as I walk threw the threshold, I know why he was so nervous to show us it. The wallpaper on the walls is peeling off to reveal a hideous yellow color, and there actually is a hole in the wall. The hole didn't go all the way threw to the other side but it came close, and it is the size of a small child. The kitchen is combined with the living room and has only three counters and one is occupied by a sink so you couldn't even use it. The table that I'm pretty sure is the dining table, is the smallest table I have ever laid eyes on, it looks like its more for display then for eating on, and yet it probably takes up about 10% of the room. The chair that I suppose is used with the dinning table has a leg broken, so you couldn't even use it. The carpet is a disgusting brown color, but I don't know if that's from the dirt, or if that's its actual color. The taste in the air is stale and thick, and the air seems to stick to you. Did I forget to tell you? It also smelt like smoke and weed. The living room, which is also a kitchen and dinning room is cramped and only has enough room for a loveseat stuffed against the back wall. There is only a 20 inch TV sitting on top of one of those small folding out tables. To my left there is a small hallway with two dirty white doors, of which I'm guessing are a bathroom and a bedroom.

My gaze returns to Chris who's terrified eyes are flickering from mine to Mrs. Sarah's. When Chris's eye's find mine I smile at him trying to comfort him, why should he care what we think anyway? I walk over to the "dinning room table" and put down my box of Chris's things and start routing through the cabinets. I find a duster and start dusting the tables and walls. Mrs. Sarah takes my hint and takes out some Clorox and starts to spray down the counters. Chris just stands in the doorway staring at us in disbelief with his mouth open in an O. I put down my duster and walk over to him and start to examine his mouth.

"Hmm that's weird I thought I saw a fly go in there, I guess you just ate it." I look up at Chris with sparkling eyes. He looks down at me with a blazing smile and suddenly an angle manifests. "See all it needs is a little cleaning, and a little care. The people who owned it before you abused this place, all we need to do is fix what they broke." Some part of me is talking about the apartment, but most of me is talking about Chris's heart (he seemed so upset that it scared me, because it is so unlike him, and I couldn't hide that I knew he is upset any longer). Chris's smile becomes broken and his eyes become glazed over with such pain that I wince myself as his sadness works its way to my core. I hated seeing him like this, but not because I felt his pain, but because he is such a nice, amazing, caring guy and he did, doesn't, and will never, deserve to feel this way. I look at him with concerned eyes and pull him into his room (its so small and run down that I refuse to call it a home). I take his box from him and set it on the floor so I can pull him over to his loveseat. I am slightly aware that Mrs. Sarah has frozen in place and is watching us with curious eyes, but I am so concentrated on making Chris feel better again, I could just be imagining it.

"You know I'll be back in an hour, I am going to pick up some food and some cleaning supplies and…." Mrs. Sarah's voice faded out when Chris grabbed me and pulled me into him.

"That sounds good." I answer for Chris, who obviously can't speak. I gently move Chris away from me so I can look into his eyes. "Honey, do you want anything?" I ask in a soft, silky voice. I sound similar to mother comforting her son, or a lover making sure that their significant other is ok. Personally I liked the second one better, but its not like that would ever happen. Besides, he deserved so much better than me, I would only bring him down. Why am I even thinking this way? He is your best friend! Nothing more. _He never will be anything more, you should even want to be anymore, you're an insult to him._ _He just needs you for right now, then he will leave because he will realize what a useless pathetic excuse for a human you are. Get over it, if you think this way you will never be hurt, why love when it will kill you in the end?_ An annoying voice that filled my heart with dread, entered my thoughts, just like it always did. I take a shuddering breath. Don't get worked up about it, swallow everything back down. I need to be here for Chris right now, even if he will never love me back.

Chris simply shakes his head no, then becomes distant again. I look at Mrs. Sarah with a glare to get her out of his room. She seems to realize that she meant to leave and runs out the door without another word. As soon as she leaves I focus on Chris again and let out a sigh.

"Okay Chris, what happened?" I ask in a sincere voice, ignoring my inner voice. Chris would never be mine, and I would never be Chris's. I close my eyes again to regain control over my complexion, forcing it to become one with concern seeping out of my pores. Besides, what's the use of fighting back tears that were never going to come?


	5. Confessions Of The Soul

5.

Chris stares at me with such a crushed look that my breath catches in my throat. I brush a few strands of hair out of his face before reaching down to hold his hands. Chris's eyes reflect in my own, as they are filled with agony that seems to ripple across his features. "A year ago it happened." He whispers, his voice is drowning in fear and misery. He turns from my gaze and swivels his head in such a way that I can't see the expression on his face. "My mom and I were going to meet my foster family for dinner. As you know I am 17 I had to stay back a year because I missed so much school when the judge didn't know what to do with me, so I could drive last year." His voice cracked and dropped at the last part of the sentence. I swallow down the fear that had been bubbling up ever since he mentioned his age, I don't like where this is going. Chris turns to me with pleading eyes.

"Please hear me out…" Chris's eyes glitter with despair. His face comes so close to mine that if I inched my head forward a couple more centimeters, I could touch his lips with my own. My cheeks burn but I remember at the last second that I couldn't let my emotions reflect across my face, it would be so embarrassing for him to find out how I felt about him. I just know that he would walk away and never speak to me again. I cringed at the thought. "Can you promise me something before I continue?" Chris asks desperately, leaning a few inches away from my face, giving me some space. However, his face is still close enough so if I were to slouch forward our foreheads would touch.

"I'd do anything for you Chris, you know that." I whisper, longing to lean into him. Chris tries to give me a slight smile but fails, because of the turmoil that has suffocated his heart.

"I'm serious, Miranda." His eyes gaze into mine, all humor has faded from them and my hand twitches under his gaze.

"I'm serious too." I say completely honest, but Chris doesn't believe me and narrows his eyes into slits. I want to argue with him, but I don't because now is not the time. Instead I simply clench my hands into fists and look into his eyes searching for something that even I don't know. "Alright, what do you want me to promise you?"

"I want you to promise me, that you won't hate me after I tell you what happened." Chris whispers, his voice is gripped with fear and agony. I swallow again, because I begin to feel the same way as his voice. I manage to stiffly nod but Chris doesn't seem convinced. I place a hand on his cheek and I can actually feel my face expression become more soft and loving.

"Chris I could never hate you, not even if I wanted to." My voice doesn't shake, even though I am trembling on the inside. Chris nods his head at me but the happiness that I expect to follow never comes. Chris turns away from me again and suddenly becomes very interested in the rug.

"Me and her got in a fight that day…something about me not wanting to go to dinner because I wanted to go to a party 'that all the popular kids were going to'." His eyes slide over to me and a slight, pained smile returns to his face. "You know, that's the life I had made myself. I was a football jock, with all the cheerleaders cheering my name. I thought I was the big shot, that I was better then everyone else. I thought that all of those… oh I don't know…I guess less popular kids, just 'hated' me because they were jealous, but now that I look back, they had nothing to be jealous of. Anyway, that's a different story, but I thought that I should let you know before I continue, what a huge asshole I was." Chris now becomes fascinated with the TV sitting across from us. I lean back into the loveseat, trying to imagine Chris ever being self centered and mean. In the end, I just can't seem to understand it; Chris is just too nice and level headed to ever be insulting or cruel.

"I remember that it was pouring outside, the road was slippery and other cars were sliding. Damn it! If I had just paid attention to the road..." Chris leans forward and clenches his hands into fists. His hair falls forward so I can't see his face as his fists tremble and his knuckles turn white. Before I realize what I am doing, my hands untangle his fingers then pull back his hair so I can meet his glittering eyes. I open my mouth to say something but before I can say anything Chris's eyes become dilated and I feel his sweat seeping into my hands.

"We got into a fight in the car, I started that fight, and of course I did! I am such a jerk! I told her she ruined my life by adopting me." Tears sparkled in his eyes, and I suddenly regret making him repeat such a horrible day in his past. "She looked at me through such sad eyes and I just kept yelling at her. Before I knew it I had taken my hands off the wheel and grabbed her wrists." By now he is standing up yelling down at me, scaring me to death with every word he says, because just to see him go through so many terrible emotions at one time, makes me want to crumble. "That's when we swerved off the highway and hit a tree. The tree gave me mercy but was far less forgiving to my mom. Don't get me wrong, I still got pretty banged up, but a serious concussion and a couple of broken ribs seemed like nothing compared with what I did to my mom." His voice quakes at the last line, and the tears that had building up in his eyes, overflow and drip down his face. I stand up to comfort him, and touch his shoulder. But, to my surprise he jerks his shoulder away from my reach. The only part of his face that I can see, is the sneer that somehow manages to darken his features even more than they had been.

"But wait, you haven't even heard the worst part." He taunts in a chilling voice. I am tempted to take a step away from him, but I turn up my chin and ignore the fear that has dug its way down to my core. "Seeing her torn up body thrown like a rag doll was the last thing I saw before I passed out." A chortle escapes his throat, and it makes him sound like a madman. "Her face got ripped off by the tree branches, and a piece of the front of the car got dislodged into her stomach, so it stuck out. She was so messed up they couldn't open her casket at her funeral." His body starts to tremble. "No one got to say goodbye to her the correct way. It was all my fault, and everyone agreed. My dad got messed up after that, he became a drunk and a drug addict, in the end he kicked me out and forced me to come back here. It shouldn't have been her that died; she was too great for that, it should've been me." Chris bangs his fist into the wall and a dent appears. By now the trembling has gotten so severe that you couldn't even call it trembling anymore, so instead Chris shakes.

"It should've been me." He repeats in a louder voice. "IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME!" Chris screams then collapses onto the floor, drowning in his own tears. I want to comfort him, but by this point I am frozen in place. I never would have imagined that he blames himself for killing his foster mom. And did everyone truly agree with him? If I were him I wouldn't be able to bear it.

"That's terrible." I finally manage to say. Chris slowly raises his head so that he can look at me. Behind his tear filled eyes, his pupils shrink into two irises of terror.

"Oh no, not you too. I thought you said that you wouldn't hate me after I told you. I don't know what to do now! I can't move on if you are gone too. What do I-" Chris's voice gets caught off because I have jumped on top of him in a tight embrace. I hold him close to me, sealing my eyes closed so that no tears will slip out.

"That's horrible! People told you that it was your fault! That's just cruel. Chris you need to understand, it's not your fault, that's just the way life goes. We are born, we live, and then we die, hopefully with no regrets. I know your mom never had any regrets, because she chose you, and no one could ever have any regrets when they choose you. It was a twist of fate that day, you have to trust that if you were meant to die that day then you would've. Chris, you didn't die that day, you weren't meant to die." I pull myself off of him a tad just so I can get a good look of his angelic eyes. "Chris, you were meant to live. You knew how to live before the accident, during the accident you learned how to survive, and now you have to live again. That's the past; don't get stuck in it, look into the future. This is an old city with new potential; you can be whoever you want to be. I believe that this city, though its dirty, crowded, polluted, and dangerous, will make you happy again. Do you know why, Chris?" I ask with a gleam in my eye. Chris can only manage to shake his head, no.

"This place will give you happiness because this is the place where we met. Anything is possible here, that's what I think." I beam at him and hug him once more before standing and helping Chris up off the ground. Chris stands up, but his shoulders still sag, like he's holding the weight of the world on his back. His eyes are still dark and unruly.

"Even if you say that…" He mutters like there is no chance for recovery for him.

"Haven't you heard the saying that 'you can't move forward if you stay in your past'?" I cross my arms over my chest and tap my foot, waiting for a response. When I don't get one I try to laugh but it sounds as fake as I feel. "Of course you don't know it I just made it up, but I assume it's based off of a real saying. Seriously though, you need to realize that you're in a place where no one knows who you really are, except me. You can be a famous movie star from Canada, for all they know." I say with the flip of my wrist. Chris stares at me with cool eyes.

"Oh yeah? How do you know?" Chris weaves his hand through his silky brown hair. My hand flies up to my chest in a fist because I am taken back by his question. I stare wildly at the ground, petrified beyond belief. What was I supposed to tell him? I wasn't ready for his questions, but more importantly I wasn't ready for my answers. However, it's too late, because Chris is already grabbing my shoulders, studying my eyes. "Miranda, what did you lie to them about?" I close my eyes and suck in a quivering breath. I open my eyes to meet Chris's worried gaze, it's like he has forgotten all about his own miserable life and all he cares about is my own.

"After you left, things got kind of…messy." I say knowing that I left out more then 70% of my life.

"What kind of messy?" Chris voice drops and his drop off my shoulders. I shrug them.

"Oh, you know…" I don't fill in any of the blanks, praying that for once Mrs. Sarah will barge in and save me from the awkwardness.

"No Miranda, I don't know. Please tell me, I told you everything that happened to me and I can almost guarantee that my story was worse then yours will be." Chris begs. I take a glimpse at my best friend who has grown up, both physically and mentally, since last time I saw him. He is more mature now, he seems more like a man then a teenager, I guess death can do that to people.

"After you left, I got adopted. The people who adopted me were…" My voice goes silent, for the memories that I have tried so hard to push away, come rushing back. Chris pushes a strand of hair behind my ear, as the concern in his complexion increases.

"Miranda…what are you trying to say?" Chris's hushed voice brings me back to reality.

"They were abusive, damn it!" I yell with my hair flying out in all directions. Chris looks startled by my outburst, and I regret feeling the sudden burst of emotion. Such a small incident is enough to rattle me, its just pathetic next to what Chris has to deal with everyday. "I'm sorry." I whisper with the tragedy thick in my voice. Chris closes the space between us and places his hand on my cheek. His thumb traces over every line on my face as my lips tremble, trying to hold back tears.

"They hit you?" Chris finally asks in a tiny voice. The hand that isn't on my face is gently holding my arm. My eyes begin to trace the stains on the muddy carpet.

"Not all the time. Mostly when they were drunk, and other times at random." I whisper.

"What exactly did they do to you?" Chris caresses my cheek with his hand, anger clenching his voice.

"Lots of stuff, like burning, kicking, punching and sometimes knifing me." I avoid looking at his eyes in fear of what I will find. Chris's smell comforts me enough to keep me from crying, but I am still being torn up inside.

"Why the hell would anyone do that to you? How could they? You never did anything to them!" Chris grips one of my shoulders while the other hand tilts my head back. His fingers trace down from under my chin to the edge of my collar bone where there is a slight burn scar. I glance at him now that his eyes aren't searching my own, and am shocked to find his eyes burning with anger.

"I did do something to them, though." I grimace and hang my head down so that my hair hides my face. I originally wasn't going to tell him anything near this, but he showed me how badly he is broken, now I will show him how broken I am. Except for the cutting part, I will never tell anyone that, not even Chris. Some secrets aren't meant for anyone to know, and that is one of those. Chris tilts my head back so that he can see me clearly.

"What did you do to them?" Chris earnestly asks. I give him a slight smile, and clench my teeth together to hold back tears. I slowly shake my head back and forth. Yeah, right, like he didn't already know.

"I existed in their lives." Chris becomes horror struck, but I continue nonetheless. "They said they were expecting a sweet, beautiful little girl, but instead they got me. I feel so bad that they got me, an ugly maggot, who can't do anything, right. I deserved everything they did to me." I argue, but Chris just enwraps me in a hug while he strokes my hair.

"They told you that, over and over again, didn't they? They did it until you caved in and believed them. That hurt worse then the beating did, didn't it?" Chris murmurs in my ear. I stiffen in his arms, because what he says is so completely true, that its heart breaking. Chris just keeps stroking my hair and holds me tighter. "Miranda, you need to realize that they were lying, and that they were only saying that because they knew it would hurt you and weaken you. It makes sense, because if you thought that you deserved it then you wouldn't tell on them." I start to snicker at his words, it sounds similar to a hyena, but I couldn't care less.

"Yeah, right. Take a good look at me Chris, because obviously before you are blind." I push Chris off of me so I can show him what I am really like. "I am as beautiful as this apartment and as bright as that lamp over there. I'm as artistic as that couch and as good of a singer as the table. Face it, I'm just like this apartment, the only people who will take it are those who can't afford anything more, nobody will ever _really _want this place, never. Okay? I'm useless and a waste of space, sorry that I am not the best friend that you left behind. Now that you see what I am really like, I'll understand, if you never want to speak to me again, after all that's what my foster parents did, and they seemed to have no problem with it." Chris looks at me sympathetically and lightly puts his hands on my shoulders to draw me into him.

"Miranda, you have been abused like this apartment; all you need is someone to fix you. You silly girl, can't you tell that you're beautiful? Geeze, I've never met a girl like you, a girl who for once doesn't brag about her looks, even though she could. You know that when I look into your eyes, I know that anything is possible? That's what you can do to people Miranda, and I have never met anyone who can do it like you can. Miranda, you are the sweetest most selfless person in this world, and everyone wants you, you just haven't realized that yet." His childlike smile returns for the first time in what seems like decades. His smile is so beautiful that I can't help myself but place my hand on his cheek so I can feel his warmth.

"Even you?" I whisper in a hoarse voice. My breath catches in my throat as his cheeks burn a deep auburn. We stand there for a moment waiting for him to speak. His hand reaches up to my own and interlocks our fingers together. He licks his lips and bites his bottom lip as if he is scared of what is about to happen. He opens his mouth to say something, but just then Mrs. Sarah bursts threw the doorway, right on cue as always. Mrs. Sarah opens her mouth to say something but then pauses when she sees how close we are, and how intense we look. Embarrassed, Chris and I swerve away from each other and fold our hands behind our back.

"Uh…did I come back at a wrong time? Sorry, I meant to stay out longer but when I got to the store and started buying some sponges I started getting anxious. I bought a few supplies but by the time I got into the lobby I was racing up the stairs. I missed you Chris, and I guess having such a short reunion got the best of me and I-" Mrs. Sarah blurts out, and it seemed like there would be no end to the stream of words that kept flowing out of her mouth.

"No problem Sarah! We finished up our sappy stories and now we are good to finish unpacking. Here let me take that bag." Chris practically sprints to get her bag, but I know he is just trying to find an excuse to avoid me. I clench my hands behind my back and turn my blurry gaze to the floor. How dare he say that everyone wants me if he doesn't even want me himself! My teeth press together to suppress the anger and sadness that has now invaded my system. I close my eyes and rejuvenate the blank cold feeling that I have grown so affectionate of. I look up to meet Mrs. Sarah's worried gaze, and for the first time she isn't flittering all over Chris, even though he's jabbering to her. She gives me a slight smile, but I can only return a dark stare. Mrs. Sarah flinches at the atmosphere and cuts Chris off midsentence.

"Okay Chris show _Miranda _and I where to put all of your stuff." When she says the word Miranda she looks pointedly at me then back to him. Chris swirls around and nervously glances in my direction.

"Right, well Miranda, you can put away all the silverware and cleaning supplies that I brought and Mrs. Sarah you can come help me move furniture around in my room." Chris carefully states, but his answer isn't good enough for Mrs. Sarah, based on the fact that she elbows him in the gut so hard that a puff of air leaves Chris's chest.

"It's okay Chris, I think that I want to be in charge of the cleaning supplies that I just bought." Mrs. Sarah rips the bag away from Chris and glares at him before prancing 5 steps to the kitchen.

"Okay, then… Miranda you come with me." Chris waves his hand over his shoulder to motion me to follow him. Before I turn down the hallway I shoot a glare over my shoulder to Mrs. Sarah. She put me in the most damndest, awkward situation that I never want to be in. However, Mrs. Sarah doesn't see my glare because she is already rifling through the cabinets, humming to herself, while I walk down the dark and dank hallway, preparing myself for a heart shattering, if not awkward, conversation with the man who my heart loved, but my brain rejected.

**Hey so this is just another shout out to Binkybaby, for being AWESOME! And another guy who I like to call BRAD! Brad is this really sweet and awesome guy whom I love and although he hasn't responded to any of my messages *Not cool Brad* He is still the coolest, nicest, non-jerky guy that I have spoken to in a LONG time. So thanks Brad for being so cute and awesome, this whole chapter was for you, (sorry it was sort of depressing) look to the positive side of life! ^Remember, your only as tall as your heart will let you be and your only as small as the world will make you seem^ that was part of the song but so as much as I would have loved to brag that I made that up, I didn't. ask on comments 4 the name of it if you want it Hope you enjoyed!**


	6. Fear In The Minds Of Youth

6.

"So this is it. Isn't it nice?" Chris says, sweeping his hand around the room in doing so. I study the room as carefully as I can, and yet I still can't seem to understand how he would rather stay here then at the orphanage. The room is filled with cigarette smoke and the same pooh carpet, covers the ground in a sheet of mud. In the corner of the room, there's a bed with a moldy mattress lying on top of it. In the center of the far wall, there is a window, but the beastly curtains shut out nearly all of the sunlight. I cringe at the sight and shake my head in annoyance. I know he didn't like me, but didn't he have the guts to just come back to the orphanage, instead of ruining his life staying here? I mean really, this place is just a dump.

"Oh yeah, its just dandy." I flip my wrist sarcastically; I don't even try to hide the venom in my voice. I tend to cover up the wounds with salt and bitterness. Chris sighs and side glances me.

"Miranda, listen, about what I was saying back there-"

"Don't worry I heard crystal clear the first time, lets just get this over with, I have better things to do then move around furniture." I claim, even though that's as far from the truth as China is from here. Chris raises his eyebrow in amusement, but doesn't say anything as he opens a closet that I hadn't even noticed.

…

I just don't get it! Does Miranda think I hate her or something? She's pissed and I don't even know why. I'd give the world for and yet she acts as though I want to throw her in a ditch for her to die. She wouldn't even let me tell her what I was going to say in the other room. The only reason why I think everyone wants her is because she doesn't notice the way everyone looks at her. At least when we were kids, all the guys would flirt with her and she would shrug them off with such ease and confidence, that even I would stare at her in awe. The girls would all be jealous at her seemingly perfection and beauty. I assume that it is still like this because over the years she has only grown more beautiful. Even when she is mad, I can't take her seriously because she is so cute! And that shirt she is wearing really compliments her figure; she has physically grown in certain areas over the years. Not that I'm a pervert or anything, but as a guy I couldn't help but noticing.

Something on the floor of the closet catches my eye and brings me out of my thoughts. The object catches the light streaming through the windows, and shoots it at my eyes. I raise my hand to keep the light from blinding me. I reach down to grab the object and lift it up so I can get a better look at it. I am shocked to find that it is a beautiful necklace, and an expensive one at that. The necklace has a normal chain until it reaches near the middle. Once it reaches the middle the chain isn't really a chain anymore, instead it has thin pieces of silver tied around each other in a flawless stream of lace that wraps around the whole front of the necklace. At the center of it all there is a white gem in the shape of a heart. The first thought that comes to mind is Miranda, I mean the necklace describes her so well. Throughout her crazy, screwed up, exquisitely dark, life the one thing that always manages to stay true and pure is her heart. That is one of the things I love about her, of course there are countless of other things, from the chime of her laughter to the voice she uses when she lies, but I could never let her know how I feel, that would be too awkward. I almost told her what I thought, but then Mrs. Sarah burst threw the door, and suddenly I realized how pathetic Miranda would think I am if I had told her.

"What did you find?" An entrancing voice comes from over my shoulder. I quickly stuff the necklace in my pocket and shrug my shoulders.

"I thought I saw a rat, but I think he ran away 'cause I can't find him anymore." I swivel around and catch a glimpse of an angel in doing so. Her eyes, that resemble a clean ocean oasis, swirl with worry.

"Promise me you won't kill him! He didn't do anything bad." She asserts, but then when she realizes what she said, her eyes become vacant and the concern melts off her face. "I mean what, are you a baby? Are you afraid of a small mouse? Let me see I'll take care of it." Her voice remarks, but if you were to inspect her face you would find a sheet of ice holding back all signs of emotion. You would find ice hiding all signs of life. Suddenly I become very protective over her, she's hurting so bad inside, so bad that she is even afraid of her own emotions. I wanted to hold her in my arms and stroke her elegant, smooth hair. I wanted to whisper in her ear assuring things, that she is loved, and that she isn't alone. I wanted to stare into those raging seas and see the sun coming over the horizon. I wanted to feel her warmth next to me and listen to her heart beat, just to let me know that I am alive. I wanted so much from a girl who doesn't deserve me.

Miranda brushes past me, sending sparks up my arm, and filling my nose with her flowery fragrance. I study her as she leans over and searches through the old comforters and pillows, looking for a non-existing rat. Her silky hair falls over her shoulders and her furrow becomes complex once she can't find anything out of the ordinary. Her thin, elegant fingers run over the fabrics as she sucks in a deep breath. She starts to cough from the dust, and I rush over to her to hold her in place so she doesn't fall over. Seriously, how is it possible for someone to be so graceful and yet so clumsy!

"Are you okay?" I ask her, but she's coughing so much she can't reply. I guess that's when I studied her real closely; to make sure she was okay, and her coughs shook her so much that her sleeve slipped down her wrist.

That's when I noticed that something was wrong, instead of the smooth tan skin that I expected to see, I saw bumpy white scars covering her arm in a sheet of shame. Some of them were fresh, some flesh was still pinkish, they happened recently, and they weren't from her parents. Anyway, I think that was the first time I noticed the scars, but I hadn't even begun to learn how broken my girl had become.

I want to study the scars closer, but by that time she had stopped coughing and moved away from me. I also want to ask her about them, but her attitude towards me makes me realize that now is not the time, first I need to mend our relationship then I can ask questions.

"Well, you're crazy. There isn't anything there. If you don't need my help, then I'll be leaving." She twirls around on her heal and takes a swift step forward. I grab her wrist before she can move any further away from me. I wait for her to look at me, like I knew she would. When she turns around, her face is calm, so calm that it is crazy at the same time. Although she made sure her face would show nothing of her emotion, she could do nothing about her eyes, and what I found in her eyes terrified me. Anger, hate, misery, and an unimaginable amount of sadness whirl around in an endless circle of pain that rests in her eyes and soul. I dropped her arm and traverse into her area of space. Although, she's glaring at me, she doesn't lean away from me. I take a deep breath and shakily let it out, carefully planning what I am going to say.

"Miranda, please understand, you're all I have left. You're the only one who I care about who doesn't hate me." I swallow back the tears that have risen without my permission. I couldn't loose Miranda, not now, not ever. "Please, don't leave." I whisper, with my head dipping low, not wanting Miranda to see me in such a pathetic state. "Without you, I have nothing." Suddenly I feel slender arms slip around my waist, and I allow myself to fold my own arms around the hallow of her back. I marvel at the way we fit together so easily, so beautifully, it is like are made for each other.

"I won't leave, I promise." Miranda pushes away a tad so we can gaze at each other. A grin appears on her face, but it still is a little forced. "Don't forget that you're all I care about as well." She pecks my cheek, and once again I am amazed at how such a small thing can make my world spin. I want to lean down and kiss her, fully on the lips. Her lips are so irresistible, after all, their plump, pink, softness…I moan, I cant help myself. I take a step away from her, wanting to lean in, but too afraid to make the special moment turn into anything more. I pretend to search the room for something, but in reality I am trying to bring myself under control again, my heart galloped in my chest, and electricity burned in my veins. When I am sure that Miranda is not looking, I brush my fingers across my cheek, savoring the feeling of her lips pressed against it. Somehow Miranda makes it so that I feel as though she is still kissing my cheek; the warmness carved her lips on my face.

"All right, I think we should move the bed into the center of the room." I say, but then spin around so that I might catch another glimpse of heaven. "Don't you think so?" I ask, because in reality it's her opinion that matters the most. She taps her chin, examining the situation.

"Hmm, yes but first…" She marches over to the window, and suddenly there is a loud crash. I rush over to her, but freeze in confusion and coax my head. Standing there, swinging a curtain rod in her hand, sunlight streaming in behind her, is the most radiant girl in the universe. Miranda giggles, and coming from her it's one of the few real laughs all day. Her eyes glitter with delight as she inspects my expression. "I hope you like my decorating plans."

….

For the rest of the day Chris and I moved around his bed and a dresser around while trying to clean up the room from the spider webs and stains. So the carpet…it turns out the carpet is grey, I don't get it! What the hell was all over the floor! I cringe; I don't even want to know. Things got less awkward between Chris and I, as we worked we started making jokes and before you know it we are rolling around on the stinky carpet, littering our tears all over the floor. The crazy part? I don't regret getting my hair contaminated with the carpet germs, not one bit.

When we finish cleaning up, the room looks…decent. The room is still pretty plain and boring, and the mattress still looks, well interesting, but by the end you could at least live in it without catching some deadly disease and dying (you wish I was over exaggerating). Anyway, so by the time Mrs. Sarah has finished the kitchen and living room, we had just finished the bedroom alone (we talk/joke/explain/get too distracted to do much in an hour). The next place to clean? The dreaded bathroom.

"Chris please don't make me!" I whine as he drags me down the hallway.

"It must be done." He says in a dark tone, probably copying it from a movie, but it's such a cliché line, that it could be from anywhere.

"You're right…it does, but I don't need to be the one to do it!"

"Yeah, you do. I'm cleaning the floor since I already cleaned the shower, when I took one, and Sarah is cleaning the sink and mats! Its fair game." Chris says pushing open the door.

"NOOOOO!" I scream and pretend to faint. This is not fair game, anyone who has to clean the toilet while everyone else gets to clean, well anything else, obviously has the worst of it. Chris pulls me up right and ushers me into the cramped bathroom, where I am consulted with a new conflict. The bathroom is so tiny that with three people, you cant really move all that well. Guess what I got mashed up against? You got it! The repulsive, nauseating hole, that we considered a toilet. Did I forget to mention that it has a huge crap that's been sitting there for probably over two months! Disgusting is an understatement.

"Oh come on Miranda! It will be over soon enough, and when you finish we get cookies!" Chris tries to win me over with a simple children's treat…and he succeeds. I glare at him for knowing my weaknesses and grab the plunger. Soon I find that if I don't pull back my hair then it might get splashed with pooh water. I don't know about you, but I know my hair doesn't appreciate getting splashed with brown water. I stand back up, careful not to fall on top of Chris who is examining a yellow spot on the floor, trying really hard to make the stain go away, this time he is not successful.

"Umm Mrs. Sarah?" I ask, hesitant, because I haven't ever asked anyone for a hair scrunchy before. Mrs. Sarah looks up from the sink and looks at the mirror to catch my reflection.

"Yeah?" She twists a strand of silky hair, that has fallen out of her ponytail, behind her ear. I am suddenly stunned by her beauty.

"Uh..c-could I borrow a hair scrunchy?" I stutter. Chris glances up at me for a moment, finding it amusing at how unconfident I sound. Well the way I sound is only a fraction of what I feel inside.

"Oh sure, here." She pulls a hair scrunchy off her wrist and hands it to me. I quickly grab it away from her and swipe my hair up into a ponytail. However, when I take a peek at Chris, I find him staring at me in amazement. He quickly swallows and wipes his hands on his pants.

"Uh…you look good Miranda, you should put your hair up more often. Of course, you look nice with your hair down too." His crooked smile spreads across his features, acting as smooth as the water in a lake.

"Nice save." Mrs. Sarah points out, but I barely can hear her. Chris called me pretty, he called _me_ pretty. I want to start pouncing up and down with this amazing feeling that has filled me with so much energy. Instead I put on the most blazing beam I can muster.

"Thanks Chris." Yes thank you, thank you for making me feel this way, thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. Thank you for just being here, so I can remember what it is like to love. Despite myself, I allow myself to day dream about Chris the whole time I am cleaning the toilet, and suddenly the worst job doesn't seem so bad. Every once in a while I would take another glimpse of Chris, and his _wholeness. _I imagine his chocolate hair, glazed with a bit of bronze, flowing through my fingers as I stroke his locks. I can almost feel his warm, fine lips pressed up to mine in a flawless embrace, which connected us through a tangle of bonds. I can see his powerful arms draped around me, protecting me from harm. I am abruptly filled with the need to lean into him and feel his warm breath caress my ear. However, I can't because although I would rather be so much more then friends with Chris, I wouldn't be able to stand it if I lost him as a friend. Even though I want him, I need him as a best friend, and I couldn't risk loosing that. And right now, I don't think he can risk it either. For now we will stay friends, maybe by the end of this year we will become more, but I highly doubted it. In fact I am scared that once he meets new friends at school, he will realize what a piece of trash I am, and will do the honors of throwing me out himself. I glance back at Chris with melancholy clenching my heart with just the idea of him ditching me. Chris catches my gaze, but once he notices my disfigured expression, he suddenly becomes concerned. With his eyes he asks me if everything is alright. I suck in a deep breath, and with full lungs of air emerges the plastic Barbie doll that I have trained myself to be. I smile blindly at him and return my focus to the toilet water that barely is unclogged.

Stop thinking like this Miranda, you know that in the end love will kill you. You will come to find that he doesn't like you, so stop caring for him before he can crush you. Even if he were to like you, eventually everyone dies, and how would you deal with that? You wouldn't, you will be in pieces, until someone sweeps you up and tries to put you back together again. Then once they realize that they cant they'll flush you down the toilet where you will drown. I flush the unclogged toilet and stare wildly at it.

Even though I chant this in my head, I can't keep a tiny voice peeping up and saying _what if love is worth dying over? _

**A/N ok so yeah this is a link to the necklace in this chapter. (just imagine the oval gem in the center is a heart). **.com/images/moonlight/silvermoon/SilverMoon_circlet_

**Sorry I know this chapter was kind of short, but I had a writing block and decided to write a filler chapter. This is really all showing how Miranda and Chris feel about each other, and why they don't do anything about it (A.K.A they are scared to do anything about it) but let me remind you that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, and if you want to make a move on someone, you should! You only live once so take chances! Haha sorry the main reason why I am saying this is because I'm into someone right now and I want THEM to show me how they feel and not feel afraid telling me so. Just imagine how great it would be if the person you like were to say yes! That's what I think, and then the good out weighs the bad. **


	7. The 4 Types Of People

7.

"Oh Chris, it's was so nice seeing you again!" Ms. Sarah is gripping Chris in a tight embrace. Chris is lightly holds her back, but while he is doing so he is watching me over Ms. Sarah's head.

"I know, Sarah it's been a long time. Come over again soon, I'm always happy to have you." Ms. Sarah pulls back and looks quizzically at Chris's face.

"You just want me to come over to cook for you." Chris guiltily smiles and in response, Ms. Sarah noogies him.

"I can't help it! Your cooking is just so good!" Chris laughs, making me want to laugh along as well, but I don't, because I am being crushed by an overload of emotions. I didn't want to leave Chris, in fear that this will all end up being some cruel joke that I made up for myself. I am also relieved, relieved that he didn't find out my secret. I am sad to think that possibly by the next time I see him, he would have new friends. And I am happy, to just hear his voice again and to see his crystal blue eyes, that have changed to a light hazel with a touch of green, over the years. Chris stops laughing and straightens his back, only to stand there watching me.

"Miranda, I'll meet you in the car, don't be too long." Ms. Sarah says, getting the hint to give us some privacy. As soon as she leaves the room, Chris clears his throat and comes over to me, to place his large hands on my tiny shoulders.

"You know I hate to say good bye to you Miranda." Chris blushes and adverts his eyes from my gaze. "It's weird because sometimes I feel like you are just going to vanish into thin air." He's eyes return to mine, making me feel like we are connected to each other. "But then once I smell your scent and feel your warmth, I realize that not even I could recreate such a beauty like yourself." I feel my own face go warm, and as much as I want to look away in bashfulness, I cant seem to tare myself away from his gaze. I can feel our faces starting to get closer, and my eye lids start to slip down. I am suddenly filled with sparks and tingles spreading everywhere around my body. Its like my veins got filled with explosive powder, and I can feel the warmth of his lips engraving its own pattern into my skin (CALM DOWN, he didn't kiss me on the lips, only on my cheek). I am so surprised that he could do this to me, that I cant help thinking what a kiss on the lips would do. Chris slips his arms around my waist as I lace my arms around his neck. My cheek is pressed up against his hard, warm chest so tightly that I can hear his heart beat pounding in his chest.

"Promise me that we will see each other again soon." I whisper, in hope of seeing him before he started school. Chris tightens his grip around me.

"Can I pick you up tomorrow at 6?" His breath tickles my head. I smile and nod.

"I would like that, I would like that a lot." I say taking a step away from Chris. He nods and opens the door for me.

"I'll see you then." He says as I saunter out the doorway. I spin around and wave goodbye.

"See you then!" I smile and skip down the hallway, excitement bubbling in my veins. I can hear him chuckling at me and the bang of the door closing, and yet I am still filled with this strange feeling. The feeling makes me want to giggle, but I hold it in, confused at the strangeness of it all. I haven't felt this way for two years, and to feel this way again, is just amazing. Tonight I wont cut myself, heck I probably wouldn't tomorrow either. Chris is my cure, I know that now. Chris is the new reason for me to live. No longer will I have to hang on to the bare beauties of the world, instead I will hold onto the joy of life that is Chris. I know right now he is upset, but I am sure he will soon get cured of that as well, no better, I'll make sure he is happy by the end of this month. He has done so much for me, and now its time for me to prove myself to him. I might not have much to offer, but I will put all of my being into helping Chris.

I am so lost in my thoughts that I don't even realize where I am until my hand automatically opens the passenger side door to the car. I am so giddy that I bounce in the seat when I sit down. Ms. Sarah looks at me skeptically then smiles to herself. I also hated it when she did that, if she's got something to share, don't wait for me to ask you about it, just tell me.

"What are you smiling about?" I say harsher then I intended, Ms. Sarah doesn't seem to mind and turns the key in the ignition. She laughs with eyes glittering with annoying excitement.

"You two are totally in love with each other." She squeals, unable to keep it in any longer. Well, she was right about one thing, I am in love with him, but there is no way he likes me that way. I scowl at her, annoyed with her absurd thoughts. Why make the hurtful joke of making me think that he likes me, making me feel happy, only to later let me realize that he never liked me that way? "No I am serious! I know you love him you just won't admit it. I am so jealous you! He looks at you so dreamily, and in the bathroom all he had to do was watch you put up your hair and he was struck speechless." We pull out of the parking space, with dangerous thoughts rushing through my head. There is no way that he actually likes me that way…right? I try to shake the ideas out of my head, but I couldn't. I want him to love me too badly, for the happy thought keeps popping up that he does. I glare at Ms. Sarah for even making me have such insane ideas.

"We are just friends." I say through clenched teeth. I knew this would happen! Once I start believing that he likes me that way, I come back to reality and I am crushed. I suck in a deep breath and slowly let it out, trying to keep myself under control. There goes Ms. Sarah again, somehow always managing to bring me into the worse of moods. I imagined slamming Ms. Sarah's head through the window, doing what my foster parents had done to me before. They did that to me because I deserved it. I want to do that to Ms. Sarah because she needed to get some sense banged into her. I hear her freaking laugh and it takes all I have to not go on auto drive and beat the crap out of her.

"Come back to me in a year, and we'll see how close of 'friends' you really are." I lean my head against the cool window of the car, trying to cool myself down. _Ignore her, just ignore her, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Remember this is Ms. Sarah we're talking about, she's the biggest dumbass you know next to Amber_, I say to myself, trying to convince myself that Chris doesn't like me that way. No point in making myself happy over nothing.

We arrive to the orphanage and I take a shower, and I am about to fall asleep, when I realize I only had done one piece of my homework. So guess what I did until 1:30 in the morning! Thankfully when I finished I could just fade away into oblivion…or so I thought.

My dream starts somewhere in a parking lot. I quickly take in my surroundings to make sure I am not in danger. All I see is a black Toyota sitting in the back of the parking lot with the glow of the parking lot lights glinting off the clean exterior. The lights cast yellow shadows across the lot, but anything outside its reach is pitch black. At first I am comforted knowing that nothing is dangerous, but then my mind starts to think. What lay out in the shadows that I couldn't see? Why am I lost? Why am I alone? A cold breeze snakes its sharp tentacles around my body, sending shivers up my spine. I crouch in a ball, the feeling of abandonment and loneliness fresh in my mind. Then the gun shot sounds. Just the sound of it pounds its way into my chest and crushes my heart, like a bullet should if it was shot at me. I am left lying out on the cold, hard pavement, bleeding and fading in and out of existence. The street lights seem to dim and the darkness starts to crawl on its stomach with arms and legs stretching and bending, reaching out to grab me and engulf me in its nothingness. However, once the darkness's scratches my cheek with its frightening frozen tongue, drawing blood, an amazing light scares the darkness away. The light is so bright that no darkness could ever be found in it, and yet it could never blind me. Unlike the darkness that wanted to swallow me, I swallow this bright light. This bright light fills me, beyond anything that I have felt before, I feel full, and perfectly happy. Someone's silhouette is leaning over me as the wonderful light dissolves into me. Once the light clears, the only thing left it that one person standing in front of me, but I can't see their eyes, because they are hidden by their wavy brown bangs that cast a shadow right where his eyes should be. The man holds his hand out to me, and I take it, not hesitant at all, for this man seems so familiar. I stand up and look around, expecting to see the dank parking lot, but instead I see a meadow of flowers. In the back of my mind I realize how cliché this all is, but while I am dreaming, all I can do is bask in the wonderfulness of it all.

The man clutches my hand, and pulls me along with him. I don't even ask where we are going, for I am so content I really didn't mind wherever we went. The man leads me over to a large oak tree, where the leaves are a bright shade of green. He sits down and lounges against the tree, and waits for me to sit down beside him. I don't second guess my actions as I lay my head upon his chest and point at the clouds as they drift by. The man and I talk for hours, about gibberish, but gibberish has begun to sound like the best language of them all. He suddenly sits up right and looks at me, slightly nervous but mostly love struck. I blush, anticipating what is coming next. He picks a flower and ties it into a ring before standing up. I grab onto the hand he offers and he pulls me up with him. My stomach begins to have butterflies as he kneels down onto one knee.

"Miranda Cameron Jefferson, I know I don't have a lot of money so I can't buy you fancy things, but I believe that I can give you more then any other man ever could." His musical voice makes the sunlight dance with joy, and makes tears come to my eyes. "I love you Miranda, and without you I wouldn't just cry, I would die. I can't live without you because you are my life. Just by looking into your eyes, I am taken away to an ocean oasis. I don't ever want to part with you, not even if I'm just going home for the night, because home is wherever you are. I have loved you since the moment I met you, and I can never get you out of my head because your everywhere to me. Please stay with me forever, make me yours. I know this isn't an amazing proposal, but Miranda Cameron Jefferson, will you marry me?" By this time tears are flowing down my cheeks, and I am struck so speechless that all I can do is nod and hold out my left hand. With a blazing smile, the man slips the ring onto my ring finger and lifts me into the air to twirl me around. When he sets me onto the ground again I throw my arms around his neck and breathe in his spearmint and axe smell that makes my head whirl.

"Yes I will marry you! I love you Chris." I whisper. I did love him; I loved him with all my heart. Chris was my soul mate I was sure of it! The name Chris made my heart skip a beat and made fuzzy feelings spread everywhere; from the top of my head to the tips of my toes….Wait a minute…did I just say Chris? My eyes popped open and bulged at the thought, _I_ was going to marry _Chris_! What the hell? I pushed Chris away from me and tried to see his eyes, but the shadows were still right where his eyes should be. I squinted harder, but instead of seeing the two hazel green eyes that I expected to see, I was greeted with sun light streaming through my window.

Well shit. Here I thought that if I told myself he didn't like me that way, I could force him out of my head, but the subconscious always has a way around that, now doesn't it? I sit up and slap my cheeks, trying to bring me out of my morning haze. I glance at the clock, great 5 o'clock in the morning. I don't have to be up for another hour. I roll my shoulders and stretch out my arms above my head. I'm too awake to go back to bed so I pick out an outfit for today, and change into the baggy jeans and a too tight red t-shirt. I brush my hair with an old comb and go to the bathroom, and continue with all of the normal morning activities. When I finish its 5:30, and my stomach is screaming at me to feed it, so I stumble down the stairs to see how early the cooks serve breakfast.

When I reach the dinning room I go straight to the serving table, but there is nothing there but the usual couple of apples. I shrug my shoulders and take an apple, for if I didn't I would probably faint from starvation (not literally but it certainly felt like it)! I rub the apple against my shirt to clean it off and take a big chunk out of it.

"You seem to be in a better mood." I jump at Ms. Sarah's voice that somehow always manages to pop up when I least expect it. I swirl around only to see Ms. Sarah sitting at the head of the table reading a newspaper. "The chefs don't serve breakfast until six, I'm afraid you'll have to wait for a little while." She looks at me sympathetically which pisses me off even more. I notice her newspaper and smirk at her.

"You know they have this new thing called a television, you could try it sometime and watch the news as it happens." I say coolly, but once again Ms. Sarah, being as naïve as she is, doesn't pick up on my insult. Ms. Sarah leans back in her chair and looks at me as if I am the stupid one.

"Oh dear no, nothing can replace the hard copy. Although the news on T.V. is recorded as it happens, they only report what they think will captivate the audience, and hardly ever report the good things in life. The world just seems so depressing through the eyes of a reporter, so I read about the news instead. The newspaper at least notices that the world that the lord has given us isn't as bad as we all seem to think it is." I look at Ms. Sarah as if she just said Michael Jackson (rest in peace) is god. You know how in the beginning I said there are two types of people who deal with life? Yeah hold on here for a second, let me rewrite that…ok here: When some people realize that life is worthless, they suck it up and move on with their lives, others (like me) dwell on the misfortunes in life and find no reason in living, and yet keep living for no apparent reason, and the third category of people try to pretend that the world is perfect with rainbows, unicorns, and fairy's (don't worry I didn't forget about those mermaids!) and that reality is just some horrible nightmare that many have seized to wake up from yet. Wow that was a long sentence, but I think you get the point that the third category of people is the pathetic weak ones. Hmm…I know a lot of pathetic ones…anyway there are also the few who are too blind and thickly headed to see that there is anything wrong with the world. I guess Ms. Sarah can fit into both of those categories.

"Right…" I roll my eyes and take another bite out of my apple.

"Sorry to bring out the religion, I know you don't particularly believe in the Christian ways as much as you used to when your parents were alive." She flutters her eyelashes sincerely. I clutch onto the apple, digging my fingernails into the flesh of it. I shoot Ms. Sarah a look of disgust and hatred. No one ever brought up my parents, my old religion or anything of my old life for that matter. No. One. Sure I used to believe that God was our savior, and that life was just dandy, but trust me that boat sailed away and sunk right after my parents died. Only one person saved me from my suffering, and that was Chris, not the Lord that I used to give up everything for. When I look back on myself I can't help but think about Ms. Sarah. How could a woman who was so much older then me be so much more clueless about the realities of the world? Then again she did fall into the last few categories of people.

"You listen here dumbass," I usually never swore at Ms. Sarah, but I believe that this called for it, "you will never bring up my parents or old life again. This is not a request, it's a demand. Do you comprehend?" I set my apple down and fold my hands across one of the chairs and narrow my eyes at her. Ms. Sarah just stares at me, too dumbfounded to say anything. Ms. Sarah shakes her head as though she's shaking off the shock of what I had said.

"Miranda, I will not talk about your old life again without your permission, but you could have worded that in a nicer way. Again I am confronted with the question: do you need to see your therapist again?" For the first time ever I see a tinge of anger in Ms. Sarah's voice. Interesting, I could work with this.

"Yeah because a guy telling me things I already know will _really_ help me. I already saw a therapist, I think its your turn so you can learn how you got this stupid." I have to hold back a laugh as Ms. Sarah throws down her news paper and stands up so quickly that her chair falls over.

"Miranda I understand that you are upset at the moment, but there is no reason to resort to being mean." Ms. Sarah says through clenched teeth. I lick my lips, this is getting good.

"There's nothing mean about the truth." I don't know why I am being so mean to Ms. Sarah, maybe it is because I have nothing to do and I'm bored. Maybe it's because it's funny to see Ms. Sarah not be as perfect as she normally is. Maybe it's because I want to get revenge on her for making me feel so pathetic and lonely. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because after all these years no adult has ever spoken about my past in such a caring matter and it scares me, it scares me a lot.

"Miranda, do not make me have to force you to go without breakfast." Her eyes begin to glimmer with frustration. Good, that should teach her not to talk about my past ever again. I pick up my apple and toss it into the air before catching it and spinning around to grab another apple.

"Go ahead, I already got all the food I need." I say and saunter out of the room with a beaming smile on my face. For once I beat the "perfect" and "beautiful" Ms. Sarah. But when I reach my room I can't help feeling a little ping of guilt for being so mean to her, she did nothing wrong, all she did was make a point. I pull out a cardboard box and feel around until I find something pointy. I take the object out and look at the photograph laying behind a glass frame. My mom is beaming at the camera with her million volt smile, while my dad stands next to her holding my legs which are resting on his shoulders. My arms are flailing like an air plane as I sit on my dad's shoulders. We were at some carnival and a huge rollercoaster was creating havoc behind us, but we paid no attention to the bodies weaving around us, because we were too focused on each other. We, no I was happy back then. I trace over my parents figures, but pause when I reach my own. I have changed so much from back then. My little self never would've guessed that I would eventually become this way, so sad, so lonely, and so terrified, terrified of the dark.

**A/N hey guys, sorry i havent updated for a while, i was away for april break and have been really busy with school and all that jazz, but today one of my friends said you should write more tonight because you havent updated for a while, and I didnt get much homework so i was like why not! (cough cough topazdestined) Anyway i hope you guys liked that little dream that Miranda had! I decided i wanted a little romance to keep the story moving, because soon its going to get really crazy! PLEASE REVIEW! thanks for reading it, i hoped you liked it!**


	8. Cheaters, Liars, and Softies

8.

"But Mirandaaaaa! You haven't been paying attention this whole time!" Cameron's annoying voice drags me out of my thoughts.

"Yes I have." I groan, why does she care if I'm listening anyway? It's not like what I think will change any part of her situation.

"Ok if you've been listening so well, why am I so upset?" Cameron stops walking and puts her hands on her hips. I suck in a deep breath, sucking down the anger that Cameron has stirred within me.

"You're upset because when you and Mark were on a date last night his phone rang and he abruptly got up to answer it right in the middle of the romance. Then you overheard him talking dirty, and he left right after he hung up the phone." I sigh, so much drama, and it is all so unnecessary. Cameron wanted me to tell her what's going on, but I knew that she knew, she just didn't want to admit it. She would fall into the 3rd category of people. This is why I don't get myself involved with people, they are all out to get me in the end.

"Oh maybe you have been listening." You think? "Well then who do you think he was talking to? What do you think he was talking about?" Cameron lowers her voice, but I cant tell if she does so because she doesn't want anyone else to know, or that she has an answer for herself but she doesn't like it. It is times like these where I astonish myself with my acting skills.

"Cameron don't worry about it! He was probably talking to his dad or mom and something came up." My 'blazing' smile forces my eyes to squint. I hate my fake smile and how it does that. Cameron's chin tilts a little more upward and her posture straightens out.

"You really think that? But what about those things that I heard him say?" Cameron's new found confidence falls.

"What about them? You probably miss heard him, after all you were listening in. He could've said boots, but you heard him say boobs, it's a very easy mistake." Lying should've churned something in me, but by now I am used to it. Cameron's eyes light up and she slowly begins to nod her head.

"You know what? You're probably right. I'm just getting all frazzled over nothing." She looks at me all giddy before we enter the cafeteria. When we enter the cafeteria we enter an interesting scene…well more like a horrible scene for Cameron. Mark is pretty much raping Amber as he grinds and makes out with her against the wall. Of course, there is a crowd "influencing" their actions. The populars are standing up on their chairs cheering them on. Ambers face is flushed, as if she is shocked and bashful that a guy would want to do this to her. Of course, she wants it done to her, and she would be shocked if Mark _wouldn't _do this to her. Well, I guess all of Cameron's questions are answered now. Cameron is stuck frozen next to me, while I'm calculating things. For example, should I just go up there and put Ambers mouth where it should be when its doing dirty things, like up her ass, or should I watch from a leisurely distance then make a huge scene that distracts everyone enough that everyone will stop paying attention to her (because I know that will REALLY piss her off). Or should I just scream on the top of my lungs THE SLUT BITCH HAS FINALLY LET DOWN HER FAÇADE! I was really puzzling over these things when our gang comes jogging over to us. They were in the cafeteria already, so they knew everything that was going on. Chelsea ignores me (she still hadn't gotten over our 'little quarrel') and throws her arms around Chelsea's neck.

"Oh darling, we were just about to text you to not come in here." Chelsea motions the group to cover Cameron's view, but Cameron just stands there motionless at the scene that played out before her. Yeah, try having to watch your parents die in front of you, trust me, its much worse (I mean I assume so, considering it caused so much brain damage). Dawn rests her hand on Cameron's shoulder and jiggles her head, but I think they were supposed to be quick nods, oh well.

"Yup, yup, yup, I know how it feels. Sister I totally get what you are going threw, doesn't it suck?" Dawn thinks that she is so cool because she can relate with Cameron.

"I'm so sorry Cameron, I knew I should've come and got you before you had to see this. That jackass will never see daylight again, and if he does it will be with two black eyes. And the best part? Well I can pretend to beat him up for just cheating with you, then later you can 'find out' and beat him up again!" Ron brushes a strand of hair out of Cameron's eyes delicately and wipes away a tear that had begun to form at the edge of her eye. Interesting, Ron had an eye for Cameron. Cameron looks at Ron intently.

"You would really do that for me?" Her hoarse voice cracks, and the cliché moment makes me want to barf.

"Just say the word and I'm off throwing his body around like a rag doll! I'm sure Miranda will take care of Amber for you." Ron's eyes look at me pleadingly. Oh please, even if Amber was doing this with a murders boyfriend, I would still beat the crap out of her.

"Totally, I got your back." Isn't it weird how I could say such things and not mean an ounce of it? I love it.

"Thanks guys. Could we maybe leave this room for right now? I don't want to watch this anymore, it hurts too much." Aww did you hear that? 'It hurts too much'. Someone isn't used to this cruel world yet. Cameron is surrounded with words of confidence and is slowly ushered out of the cafeteria.

"Hey guys give me a minute, I am going to go deal with the Slut." I say over my shoulder. Ron mouths the word 'thanks' at me and wraps his arm around Cameron's shoulders to draw her into him. I roll my eyes, he doesn't even know that he likes her yet. I spin around on my heel and face the demon itself (notice how I don't even bother with using the word her?). I am at a loss of ideas of what to do with Amber when someone slips and spills their food on the ground. A smile creeps onto my face. I walk up to the guy who spilt his food, whom is currently stumbling to collect all the food, and put on a sweet smile on my delicate face (I have to admit that I am not particularly ugly). Noticing my shoes so close to him, waiting, he glances up at me. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect situation. The guy is Danny Curtis (A.K.A the biggest loser in the sophomore class) and is so nerdy that even I, a junior, knows about him. I squat down to get to his eyelevel, trying not to stare at the wart that is at the tip of his nose.

"Hey sweetheart, would you mind if I…borrow some of this food. Its already too dirty for you to eat, and I could put it to good use." I huskily say, placing my hand on top of his. I watch as Danny's Adam's apple bobs in his throat as he swallows. His eyes are looking at every spot in the room except for my eyes. A drop of sweat begins to form at the base of his forehead as the chants around the room continue. I can tell though that the show is going to end soon. Danny just sits on the ground speechless and I am tempted to roll my eyes, but I have to keep up my charade, so my gaze remains unwavering. I continue to pick up the food and stuff it all onto the tray. "Thanks, and for payment…" I lay an air kiss on his cheek, but by an accident I place my lips too close to his cheek and end up brushing his cheek. I can feel him tense as I stand up, then I walk away without looking back.

My gate is similar to a strut as I narrow in on my target. As I get closer to the popular table, I can start understanding what they are saying. "Get on top of her!" "Yeah! Feel her up!" "I bet you can't get inside her pants!" Wow, at that last comment I vomited a little bit. By this time, Marks hand has slipped under Ambers shirt and is squeezing her breasts. How does no one else find this disturbing? Where are the teachers! I can't take anymore and get ready to ram Amber with a plate full of mac and cheese and salad. I start to walk at a fast pace and yell out, "Look out!" Mark swirls around, giving me just enough space to give Amber a cheesy surprise. A sharp shrill fills the air as Amber feels the warm, slippery things slide down her shirt.

"Oops, sorry, I didn't see you there." My sickly sweet voice squirms its way into Ambers head. Ambers face burns bright red with anger.

"What the hell! Wow, you know I honestly don't hate anyone, but sometimes you are the only exception." Her annoying voice has never made me smile before, but now I clutching my side, bending over laughing. I stand up and pretend to wipe a tear off the corner of my eye.

"Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?" I smirk. Mark has seen the tension in the air and has started to back off, especially now that he knows his girlfriends "best friend" just saw him cheating on her. I turn to him. "Yeah I would go to Cameron right now and apologize for all of this, she doesn't know about it, but trust me if you have any sense you'll fix your relationship before I destroy it." Mark nervously nods his head before running off.

"Why do you have to be so mean! I did nothing to you!" Amber flutters her eyelashes in an innocent and shocked matter, which makes me want to rip her eyes out.

"Amber I hope you know that you are as fake as your nose." Amber's hand flies up to cover her nose, as she nervously glances around to see if anyone heard. Ok seriously? Its not like they don't know! It's impossible to come into school with a nose the size of the Empire State Building, then the next day have a nose the size of a pea.

"Yeah well I am not going try to be nice to you anymore, are you sure you want to go there?" Amber glares at me menacingly, so I spit on her shoe.

"Oh I'm pretty damn sure." I fold my arms across my chest. Amber is flipping out about her shoe, but she pretends to be indifferent. I would totally win an acting contest against her.

"Well, then you just asked for a world full of hell." Amber says between clenched teeth. I smile at her and brushed some invisible dust off my shoulder.

"Bring it on bitch." I laugh and whirl around to walk away.

"So you're just going to walk away?" Amber shouts after me. As the saying goes, quit while your ahead right?

"Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date!" I throw over my shoulder and march away, with all eyes watching me. Normally I would've hated all the attention, but right now I am gloating in my own satisfaction. I exit the cafeteria and enter a hallway drowned out in Cameron's sobbing.

"I should've known, I should've known." Cameron gurgles over and over again. Ron is patting her back while brushing strands of loose hair out from her face.

"You know what Cameron? You don't want to be associated with that cheater, bastard anyway. All he ever did was play you, maybe its time to put the Xbox away." Chelsea murmurs, stroking her arm (is it me or is that just plain weird?). Once, I walk into the group everyone shuts up and stares at me.

"What?" I ask, the giddiness of defeating Amber is starting to dissipate. I am answered by more silence. Ok, now I am getting annoyed.

"That. Was. Amazing!" For the first time in days, Sam speaks to me. I coax my head. What were they talking about?

"Amber was speechless!" Dawn beams.

"The little whore got what she deserved." Chelsea says in her usual up beat, inspirational voice. Seriously, this kid had promises of becoming a life coach in the future.

"Thanks." Cameron looks up at me through tear filled eyes.

"How did you guys know what happened?" I ask, completely clueless. Weren't they out here, obsessing over a pathetic heart break?

"We weren't going to miss the fight, you kidding? We opened up the cafeteria door and watched from back here. At first we had no idea what you were doing, but then it all fell together. You are a devious girl Miranda." John smiles and winks at me. I had forgotten he was even there, he hadn't said anything this whole time. Come to think of it, the only guy who comforted Cameron was/ is Ron, and that's because he has a major crush on her. Guys aren't very good at comforting people I suppose.

"Yeah well I was thinking-" I am about to explain what happened with Danny (that was one of the things that didn't go exactly to plan, I mean that kiss? Bleh) when all of a sudden Mark bursts through the doors of the cafeteria. When he see's Cameron, he is about to retreat, but something inside of him bursts, and he stands his ground.

"Cameron, I think you saw what was going on in there, so I am here to tell you that if you still want to take me back then I'll be really happy. However, I think you should know that the reason why I was doing that was because well, Amber and I have been secretly dating for a couple months, and I only went out with you for revenge because Amber cheated on me. Sorry, you're a really nice girl, I never meant to hurt you. If you still want to go out though, we could secretly and maybe this time just skip to the messing around" Mark wiggles his eyebrows at Cameron who is sitting there dumbstruck. Ouch, that's not what I meant by fixing their relationship. Ron gets up, fists trembling in pure fury. All of a sudden there is a loud crack and Mark is on the ground with blood spurting out of his nose.

"Cameron is a beautiful, smart and caring girl, and for you to abuse her like that is disgusting. Get out of here while you still can, Cameron will not be seeing you anytime soon. I would call you a dick, but I can't call you something you don't have." Ron kicks Mark before Mark stands up and runs away. What a coward. We all watch Mark run away before returning our attention to Cameron. Cameron runs her hand through her hair trying to seem strong, but soon her bottom lip quivers and she covers her face with her hands.

"I see now. He never liked me. How could I have been such a fool? One of the hottest guys in the school could never like me." Cameron removes her hands from her face and tittles her thumbs. She is immediately surrounded with words trying to fill her with lies, for what Cameron said is the truth, they just didn't want her to know for some reason. Cameron just nods numbly and stares blankly at the floor. Her red puffy eyes, show her vulnerability and her broken features make me realize how insecure and hurt she is feeling. For a moment I feel a little bit of sympathy. I usually did feel sympathy, but for those who I cared about (Chris is really it) and for those who had experienced death, or total and complete loss. Never have I felt bad for a broken heart, even when I was smaller, I was too young to understand. Then when I did understand, it was too late to protect myself from the consequences.

When did I become a softie? I haven't cared about anyone or anything for a long time, why now? Then it hit me, Chris. Why did Chris force me to become this way? I do not know. Something about him though made me realize that happiness could be achieved. Something about the way he looked at me, it was not sympathy, like the way Ms. Sarah looks at me, but instead it was a look of…understanding. He makes me think that I'm not alone in the world. He makes me think that as long as he's around nothing bad could happen.

Too bad I can't see the future, because if I could, I would know how wrong I really am.


	9. Guns in the hands of the innocents

9.

"Chris you're horrible!" I say laughing so hard tears are beginning to form in my eyes. Chris chuckles along, before looking back at the girl behind us. Poor girl, her unibrow is as bushy as a rainforest. She had buck teeth and her hair was frizzy puffball that sat at the top of her head. Not to mention that her fashion sense is a little wacked.

"The sad part is that she probably gets dished on all the time. She probably makes it worse by going around with her fat ass dad all the time. Oh well it's her own fault for showing off her dad, I mean really, who does that?" I giggle at Chris's comment, although we are being mean to the girl, who we don't know anything about, just being with Chris makes it okay to be doing so. Ever since the ugly girl (who is probably around our age) walked in with her dad about 10 minutes ago, we had been thinking up snarky insults about her. Believe me when I tell you that her dad is not a looker, I mean I'm just saying we could tell which side of the family the girl inherited her looks from.

The girl's dad comes wandering back to the table with a box of pizza in his hand. He leans over to whisper something in the girls ear and she silently nods, before her dark brown eyes raise to meet our stares. Chris and I gawk at her, unable to hide our shock. How were we supposed to know that she could hear us this whole time? Chris whirls around in his chair and leans across the table, placing his hand over his mouth, trying to suppress a laugh. Unlike him, I'm more open to insulting the girl and just burst out snickering. I peek over Chris's shoulder at the girl, only to find her smooching with her…dad? I quickly shake Chris's arm, he looks up at me confused. I motion him to look back at the girl. Once he does his laughter gets caught in his throat and he looks at me wide eyed. However, this only lasts for a moment before we both dissolve into shrieks of laughter. I place my hands over my mouth, trying to dim the noise, but I don't think it works based on the glares I am given. Honestly, I don't care if the world hates me right now, as long as Chris still likes me, I'm fine.

"So how do you like the pizza?" Chris asks me once we both calm down enough to speak. I reach for another peace and carefully take bite, savoring the taste as the bread melted in my mouth and the cheese slid down my throat. I had already eaten 4 pieces, and I am full, but I couldn't help taking another piece, because it all tastes so good! I tilt my head and look at Chris innocently.

"What do you think?" I lick my fingers to give him a clue. Chris sighs, and pretends to be wary, but I can see an extra gleam in his eye, and it's the gleam that says 'You're going to laugh at what I say next'.

"Hey, no need to be cruel! I am only being cautious because last time I guessed at something, I turned out to be horribly wrong by saying a girl's boyfriend was her dad." He tries not to crack a smile (it's loser-ish to laugh at your own jokes you know), but he fails miserably, which makes me laugh that much harder.

"Okay, okay, sorry I didn't realize that you are a terrible guesser." I giggle, putting my palms in the air to represent surrender. Chris shoots me a wicked smile and steals the last piece of pizza.

"Thank god I don't have to worry about my appetite with you." Chris mutters, stuffing his mouth. I am taken back; this is either a very good thing or a very bad thing. I narrow my eyes at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" If I were standing up, I would've put my hands on my hips to add the effect. Chris glances up at me, and notices my composure, but he is so used to me now, that he isn't frightened by me anymore.

"As in, we started off with a large pizza, and within an hour it's gone!" Chris smiles, but smiles more at his own thoughts than at me. He drops his half eaten slice of pizza on his paper plate and wipes off the grease on a dirty napkin. Chris's eyes meet mine from across the table, and suddenly I am captivated and lost within his sparkling hazel eyes. "Miranda, that's a good thing. It means that I can be myself around you and be comfortable." Chris's hand finds my own on the table, and he squeezes it. My expression softens a bit as tingles and sparks snake their way up my arm. My dream flashes in my mind, but I quickly push it away, knowing better then to think anything more of it. However, I can't help thinking that we always looked at each other much longer then needed, for example, right now. We have probably been gazing at each other for five minutes, and yet, I wouldn't want it any other way. Unlike everyone else I have ever encountered, this stare is not the slightest bit uncomfortable, in fact it's in the silences that we have, where the most words are spoken.

I can see all of Chris's wounds, the places where people have hurt him. At the same time, I can see that Chris is healing. Yesterday, I was worried about his well being, I was afraid that he would hurt himself, like I have done. Today I realize that I had to reopen his wound to clean it out, in order for him to begin to feel better. I grin at Chris, thank god he is feeling better, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't. Instead of Chris returning my smile, he frowns and shakes his head. He leans across the table and reaches out to me. I freeze, unsure of what is going to happen next. His fingers gently caress my cheek, I don't mean to, but I wince, for I am not used to people being so gentle and loving to me.

"I thought so." Chris whispers, but I don't think he meant to say it out loud. Chris lounges back in his chair and picks up his navy blue sweatshirt. "Come on, let's get out of here." Chris stands up, leaving me to follow his actions. I pick up my own navy blue sweatshirt and slip my arm into the triangle Chris made me with his own arm. I found it funny how we seemed to match in our outfits, and felt excited that people thought of us as a couple. We slowly descend out of the bright pizza parlor and into the dark parking lot. When we get outside I realize that it's raining, I never noticed simple things like this when I'm with Chris. _Snap out of it Miranda, that's dangerous, you need to focus more. Wake Up! This is not a fairytale, this is life_.

Chris stops right before we reach his car and faces me. He runs his hand through his silky hair, forcing me to get lost in my day dreams again. "Hey Miranda, when was the last time someone touched you without hurting you?" Chris asks. My breath catches in my throat and I retreat from Chris's eyes to the pavement. Where did he get this question from! Why would he ever care enough to ask that? What type of question was that anyway? I feel like lately people have been asking about my past too often and in way too caring matter.

…

I knew it was a weird question, but I had to ask. The way Miranda seemed to be scared of my touch made me nervous. Suddenly rage burned in my veins. Who the hell did her 'foster' parents think they were? They couldn't just step into some innocent girls life and destroy her like that! Miranda used to seem so full, full of happiness and life. She always looked at the bright side for everything. But now…she seemed so miserable. I could see the misery swirling around in her eyes, the things she tried to hide from the world, but I knew all of her hiding places. Now Miranda seemed so unstable, so unsure, and so afraid of the world, that she only had enough happiness to give away, and not enough to keep for herself. She seemed so…broken, so tortured, and it killed me to think that she was hurting as much as Ms. Sarah said she was.

Miranda looks down at the pavement, but I pull her chin up so that I can see her. Pain has slashed Miranda everywhere, leaving scars and blood. Regret has cast its shadow over Miranda's head and anguish has clutched her heart in a tight grip, so much so that it is literally, slowly killing her. Soon enough, her face freezes over into something that I can hardly read and finally Miranda finds her voice. "Probably when my parents were still alive, but I don't remember." Miranda says in a hushed voice, there is no better way to explain it than a small, vulnerable voice. I tenderly run my thumb across her cheek bone, and just as I guessed, her body tenses. That isn't, good, she shouldn't be scared of a touch, especially a touch by me, when she knows I would never hurt her.

"Miranda, you know I would never hurt you. Never, not even if I wanted to. You don't need to be scared of me." I murmur in her ear. I feel her body freeze under mine, most likely she's nervous because I'm so close to her.

"I-I-I'm not s-scared of you, Chris." Miranda stutters, I smile to myself, _yeah, right, whatever you say Miranda_. I pull her closer to me, I can hear her take in a shuddering breath, trying to calm herself down. I push her against my car, being careful not to hurt her in anyway. "C-Chris, wha-what are you…." I pull back and look at Miranda, for what feels like the first time. Her turquoise eyes look panicked and terrorized. Her soft hair blew itself across her face with the incoming wind. I wrap a strand around my index finger, and twirl it around before I tuck it behind her ear. Her rouge lips tremble, and she looks like she might cry. My fingers graze her lips, and I'm not surprised to find them soft and tender. I desperately wanted to know if they tasted as good as they felt, but I restrained myself and continued to trace her scar that weaved its way down to her collar bone. The scar isn't very noticeable, in fact I would have never seen it if I didn't know what I was looking for. Miranda closes her eyes and turns her face away from me. I force her to look at me so that I may gaze at her radiant face once more. Her eyes blink open, as she slowly relaxes. I beam at her.

"I told you that you had nothing to be scared of, come on I need to get you home." I peel myself off of her and open the passenger side door open for her. She glances at me confused before stumbling into the car. I smile to myself for what feels like the hundredth time today. With Miranda around, I didn't have to survive, half alive; I could _live _and be fully awake and aware. I open up the car door and settle in my seat gripping the steering wheel.

Every time I got into a car, I had a sudden flash of fear and anxiety, before it all melted away leaving a cold hallow place deep within my chest. I absolutely hated it. I am surprised that I even drive anymore. Then again, it's not like Miranda can drive. She has never taken drivers Ed, even though she should. I sneak a peek at Miranda, only to find her hiding behind a curtain of silky hair. I rest my hand on her arm, she jumps at the contact, and slowly raises her eyes to look at me. Her crystal turquoise eyes are the only thing I need to make that hallow spot blend with warmth and fullness. It felt like a mother or father kissing a wound, and although in reality it did nothing to heal the cut, it made everything feel warm, fuzzy, and made everything fall back together again.

…

I hesitantly look up at Chris, confusion and nervousness bubbles up my throat, and almost comes out in a hysterical giggle. I hold it in though, and continue to gaze at Chris like we had been for a few minutes now. His hand is warm and welcoming on my arm. I try to smile, but it somehow cracks and shatters my expression. His lips curve down the slightest bit, and his hand retreats from my arm. I am left with the feeling that I said something wrong, but I didn't say anything. Chris swerves around in his chair and grabs the back of my chair so he can back up. The smell of axe and peppermint wafts over to me, filling me with nostalgia and warmth. I turn to look out the window, but that doesn't keep my eyes from flickering over to Chris. The radio is on, giving us some background music, so its not completely silent but other then that the ride is quiet. For a couple of moments, tension and unspoken fears swarm in between us. I clear my throat to say something, but when I open my mouth, it just ends up closing in a snap. Uncertainty about something I couldn't place forces me to look at Chris once again.

His eyes are on the rode, lights glinting off his auburn hair. In the light I can see subtle blonde high lights, but once the dark creeps over the car, they vanish into the thick mane. His eyes are dancing with the lights, squinting a little bit, just like they always did when he was focusing on something. If I was anyone else, I would've thought he was comfortable, and collected; however I knew him better then that. His back is tensed like he is anticipating something dangerous to pop out of no where. Both of his hands are clutching the steering wheel, knuckles white, like his life depended on it. I felt like if I made a small noise, even an inaudible one, he would jump so high, he would hit his head on the ceiling. All of a sudden a very familiar song begins to play on the radio. Chris takes his eyes off the rode long enough to catch my eye, before reaching forward to turn it up. Ronan Keating's "Iris", begins to blare over the radio.

At first Chris starts to hum along with the tune that plays in the beginning, and before I realize it, I'm humming along too. _"And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow."_ We mumble together, our hearts knowing the lyrics, for this is our song, and nobody could take it away from us. _"You're the closest to heaven, that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now."_ Funny how we were going home, and that I didn't want to, to go back to my normal routine of life. When I am with Chris, everything went from average to extraordinary and wonderful._ "And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life."_ I live for Chris, if Chris dies then I go down with him, so in a way this is true. I breathe Chris's life, without his air for me to breathe I would die, simple as that. Our voices begin to find themselves and begin to blossom._ "Cause sooner or later its over, I just don't want to miss you tonight." _Both of our voices become stronger, knowing the chorus is coming up next. _"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." _No matter what Chris, you better remember who I am, it doesn't matter what gets broken. Just know who I am. _"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies." _I never cry, never. I refuse to show any signs of weakness, and even lie to all of my class mates so they don't guess what an orphan I really am. _"When everything seems like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive." _I suck in a deep breath, this line taking the most meaning then all of them. Before, when I was younger, and I sang this song with Chris, and when I sang, I sang blindly. Now I sing with my eyes wide open and seeing, but nonetheless I keep on singing. _"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." _Chris begins to tap the steering wheel and tossing his head around with the drum solo. I take up the guitar solo, just like always, just like perfection. _"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." _The chorus repeats and I prepare myself for the ending of the song. I get ready for Chris's and my voice to stream together, and wrap together into the harmony that is…us. Our voices sound like velvet, lacing together, in a seamless river, flowing and slipping, colliding together, just to slide underneath and on top of each other. My voice being the base of the pyramid, as I climb to the top to reach Chris, whom is the sun. _"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am, I just want you to know who I am, I just want you to know who I am."_ The end of the song brings warmth flooding to my cheeks, and leaves me struggling for a breath. Chris beams at me, his smile makes his eyes crinkle and makes dimples pinch his cheeks.

His smile also makes my heart skip a beat, and makes me melt into a puddle by his feet.

My eyes glimmer with the happiness that now swallows me whole, chasing away all previous dark feelings. I can't help but laugh. The burden of the world lightened its weight, just a tad, but it is enough to allow me to breathe without it hurting, which meant a lot to me. I would say it means the world to me, but it doesn't, because Chris is my world.

Chris and I chat a little more, and once again I found myself stammering about school. I began to think. There are bits and pieces that Chris doesn't know about me. The pieces of darkness that even _I_ got scared of once in a while. I couldn't risk our friendship because he knew something about me that scared him. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, just imagining Chris saying _its not me, its you,_ sent shivers down my spine. I cringe at the thought, and try to focus on whatever Chris is saying, knowing that even just the slightest murmur from his lips, tasted like heaven to me.

Soon my thoughts began to drift again. If I'm not telling him everything, then couldn't that mean that he's not telling me everything? Well, duh, Miranda, of course that could be possible. Chris stops the car, and I am jolted out of my thoughts. Chris and I gaze at each other, for what feels like a few seconds, but in reality it is a good five minutes.

"I'll see you at school on Monday; I have to work over the weekend so I'm not around. Don't disappear, while I'm not here okay?" Chris smiles, but a tinge of sadness flutters behind his eyes. I grin at him, but I don't think it reaches my eyes.

"I don't think it's me we have to worry about." I wink at him, not meaning to but coming across a little a flirtatious. I step out of the car, but as soon as I do so I whirl around, curiosity getting the best of me. I lean down into his car so I can get a good look at his face. "Chris?" I ask in a small voice.

"What?" Chris sounds worried and fidgets in his seat. My expression softens, and he slowly calms down.

"Have you ever not told me something, something important about you? Is there something big that you haven't told me?" I try not to sound too snoopy, for I hate it when people get into you're business when its really not their place to be. Chris leans back in his seat and closes his eyes. He slowly begins to nod his head. His eye lids slide open, his eyes seem like they are glowing, even though there is no light that would allow them to do so.

"I had a brother." He tastes the words carefully on his tongue, as if he's afraid to hurt me. I open my mouth to ask more details, when Chris answers before I even have to ask. I guess that's one of the things I love about him. "His name was Cody, he was about 14 years older then me. He had a girlfriend named Alexia, she was beautiful, and caring, she acted like my mother from time to time, since my mom left my dad when we were just kids. Never heard from my mom again, anyway that's not the point. One day Cody took Alexia to New York City, to see Broadway, Alexia wanted to be an actress, you see. Then a gang came and started causing chaos. Cody jumped in front of Alexia, using his body as a shield and yet, that did nothing. Alexia still died along with Cody." Chris murmured, the pained look returned from somewhere deep inside him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ask and hurt you." I felt terrible for reopening his wounds. Chris just waved it off.

"Nah don't be, it wasn't your fault. That's why my dad got killed you know; he went to avenge my brother. He got screwed up in the head after that, and went on a killing spree, he killed 5 gang members and 3 bystanders. Then when the police came after him, he pointed the gun towards them, and they shot him." His voice died down by the end of the sentence. I duck into his car, I don't get in, but I crawl across the seat to place my hand on top of Chris's. I never knew how his dad died, I guess I never asked. I never knew he had a brother. I knew that his mom went missing though, about six months after she and Chris's dad divorced. I never would have guessed such insanity had inflicted itself on Chris's shoulders. Then he got in a car accident with his foster mom. And I don't know for sure, but I think Chris ran away after his life turned upside down. Now he is here, next to me. Breathing and caring, even after such chaos has happened, it is amazing that he has survived through all of this wreckage. He has been through so much, and I…I'm just pathetic. Being depressed, just because my parents got shot, and my foster parents beat me. It isn't as nice as other peoples lives, but it sure sounded a lot better then Chris's.

"Did you ever try to avenge your family?" I whisper, unaware of the consequences. The pained look on Chris's face, hardens to stone, and he flinches. He looks at me with frosty eyes, the cold freezing over Chris's heart.

"I tried to once. I had the guy cornered in an alley; the gun was shaking in my hands. I was ready to pull the trigger when the guy spoke up for the first time. 'Hey listen kid', he had said, his voice had trembled, 'I have a family to go back to. I only joined this gang for the money, my daughter needs a surgery, but we already had too much debt. Now I have paid off the debt and I am working towards my little girls surgery.' I remember getting really pissed off at him and got ready to shoot, but instead the words that I had wanted to scream out for days, jumped up my throat. 'Yeah well I don't have a family to go back to anymore!' I was only 8 at the time, an 8 year old with a gun, can you imagine? It was a year before I joined the orphanage, and two years before I met you. I remember the guy wincing and coming closer to me. 'I'm sorry that we killed your family, like I said I only did it for my daughters surgery' I backed up a few steps, to back away from the guy. 'Killing hundreds to save one life.' I was a smart kid, my dad taught me as such. I was really considering killing the guy, but a gun is so heavy to hold in an innocent kids hands. 'Please, I know its selfish and horrible of me but when you love someone so much, you will be willing to kill for them. Please I know you're young, but I'm begging you to understand, let me live for my daughter.' Do you want to know what I did?" Chris's eyes searched my face, and I tried to hide my look of horror. Never would I have guessed that Chris…. My body is frozen, my eyes locked on to Chris's. My heart is clogged with fear and nervousness. All I can do is nod my head numbly, and Chris takes in a deep breath to continue.

"I let him go. I was an 8 year old boy, I didn't have it in me to kill this guy. I was too naïve to see that he could have been lying or that he would kill other people like my brother in the future. All I saw was a father, working to pay for his daughter. Risking his life to save another. And geeze, Miranda, damn am I glad I did." I stay there for a few minutes, staring at the ground deciphering all of this. When Chris's voice speaks up again, my head rises, only to find his forehead almost touching mine.

"If I had shot him, I would have gone to jury, probably put in a crazy kids home. I would have never gone to the orphanage and met you. Hell, I probably wouldn't even been here if it weren't for you." My throat closes up, and again a smile sweeps across my face.

"Same here Chris." I say. Behind me footsteps intrude on us.

"Hey, everything okay out here?" Ms. Sarah leans into the car to look at us. I sigh and get out of Chris's car. I nod at Ms. Sarah and wave goodbye to Chris.

"See you on Monday, Chris!" I yell after him.

"Totally!" Chris's hand waves outside the window as he zooms away. I follow Ms. Sarah up the steps of the orphanage. I don't know what would've happened if Ms. Sarah hadn't shown up. I'm not sure that Chris would make the same decision today, that he would let the guy go. I'm not sure if there's anything else Chris isn't telling me. The only thing I am sure of is that when I am older, if I have a kid, I'm going to name it Cody.

**A/N: Hey so it took me a while but here it is! it's pretty long! Let me know what you think. Things are going to pick up really soon, like next chapter and after that it gets really intense and stuff, I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve! So be prepared! Please review i want to know what you are all thinking!**


	10. Everything Will Change

10.

The week flew by, faster then I anticipated it to. I don't really want Chris to come to school, in fear that he will leave me stranded. I can't do anything about it though as I step onto the bus on Monday morning. Cameron squirms in her seat in the back, and motions me to sit with her, probably wanting to tell me the latest gossip, but I can't pay attention to her, because I am focused on the angel who is sitting two seats away from her.

He is looking out the window, with a black sweatshirt coating his upper body with a sense of edginess. His lips murmur something to himself, before his dull eyes glance up front to see what is taking so long. He has dark circles under his eyes, and his body is sagging forward, like it always does when he's tired. His rag of a back pack, sat next to him, it is the color of his eyes, but dirtier. When he see's me, his eyes light up, so much so that you can hardly see the bags under his eyes, and they are blazing again instead of dull. I am once again hypnotized in his gaze, the world around me becoming fuzzier and fuzzier until it is just him and I alone. I am shot out of my trance though when the bus driver grunts.

"Sorry." I mutter to the bus driver, and start my descent down the aisle. I walk by Cameron and sit beside Chris, allowing his scent to embrace me with its usual sense of warmth. "Not to be rude, but you look like hell. What happened?" I try to ignore Cameron as she rolls her eyes at me and moves into the seat next to us. I lean forward, trying to block Cameron from his view, just so that Chris can tell me what's wrong before chaos seeks havoc among us. Chris's lips turn upward, but I can tell it's forced and insincere.

"I didn't get much sleep last night. That's all, don't worry." Something flickers behind Chris's eyes, but it happens so fast, I can't tell what it is; however I saw it long enough to know that Chris isn't telling the complete truth. I am about to ask him more, but Cameron's annoying voice, brakes all of the concentration I had.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend, Miranda?" Cameron asks innocently. I almost glare at her, but I stop myself just in time.

"Oh right! Chris, this is Cameron. Cameron this is Chris." I lean back in the seat to give them room to shake hands.

"Not really her new friend, I've known her for years. But nonetheless, nice to meet you." Chris smiles warmly, releasing Cameron's hand. Cameron blushes madly and shoots me one of her famous this-guy-is-hot looks before giggling nervously. I give her one of my majorly pissed off smile in return. Her giggle dies off and her skin pales, as though she has just seen a ghost. Good, she should be scared of me.

"I'm Cameron, one of Miranda's good friends. Nice to meet you too. This is only the beginning, you're really in for it when you go to school. Everyone is so excited to meet you! Miranda has told us so much about you." This time I can't help myself and glower at her. Cameron rightfully shuts up, and mutters something under her breath.

"Yeah well this will be the fourth time I'm the new kid at school, so I'm kind of used to it by now." Chris sighs, his voice sounds as tired as he looks.

"Oh really! Why is that? Is it because of your parent's jobs?" Cameron's eyes widen as they get ready to swallow all of the gossip and all of the dirt. What Cameron doesn't know, is that what she is about to swallow is all about blood and death. I stomp on her foot and narrow my eyes, she immediately swallows what she was about to say and avoids my murderous glare. Chris puts his hand on my shoulder to calm me down, and my expression melts into a much more nicer and pleasant one.

"Nah, my parents died when I was a kid. While the police found me a place to stay, I was moved around to different schools, then again when I moved to the orphanage. Then once again when I moved in with my foster parents and now, here I am again." Chris lets out a light hearted, laugh, but I can hear the falseness of it. I place my hand on top of his and squeeze, I hate Cameron for forcing him to remember such terrible things. Chris side glances me and folds his hand into mine so that he can squeeze it back.

"I'm so sorry!" Cameron places a hand over her heart and acts sincere. Sincere my ass is more like it. Chris's lips tremble into a grin and he shakes his head.

"Don't be, you had nothing to do with it." Chris's eyes become dark and cold, and to be perfectly honest, it kind of scares me. Chris watches as other people come onto the bus, trying to forget about his past. Cameron looks down at our hands that are still interlocked and wiggles her eye brows at me. I roll my eyes, but I can't ignore the warm, little electricity streams that are now blossoming in my hand, and running up to tickle my heart. I desperately want to lay my head on Chris's shoulder, so that I can feel warm all the way to school, but I don't pay attention to that thought.

"Ron, Dawn, John, and Chelsea have been dying to see you! You are going to basically get raped when we get to school. Be ready!" Cameron babbles away again. Chris wrinkles up his nose, and it sort of looks like he's disgusted.

"Your names all rhyme. Ron, Dawn, John, Cameron, did you guys plan this or something?" The funny thing is that Chris is deadly serious, and Cameron laughs about it like it's a joke. Oh did I forget to tell you? Normally Cameron the name wouldn't really rhyme with John and Ron, but the way Cameron pronounces her name makes them rhyme. They all blended together anyway, it was easier for me that their names did rhyme, if they didn't I wouldn't have probably wasted my time trying to learn their names. I stifle a giggle myself, the way Chris said it made it funny. Either that or I laughed at Cameron's stupidity. You can pick which one.

"Oh Chris, I can already tell, you're going to be the comedian of the group." Cameron waves her hands under her eyes as her eyes roll up towards the roof, trying to keep the tears down. She is over exaggerating the funniness…she's flirting. Who the hell does she think she is? Jealousy spread like a wildfire in me, scorching my veins and baking my heart on top of the raging fire.

"That's funny; I thought you were the comedian. Oh that's right; you didn't mean to piss your pants last year." I smirk at her, shooting her the evil eye. Cameron's eyes widen as a blush creeps up her face and her laughter dies off. She glances down at our hands, and then glances away. Hopefully that got through to her dense head. He's NOT yours honey, hands off. Wait a minute, why do I care if Cameron likes Chris that way? Chris isn't my property, and we are just friends, so why do I care so much? _Admit it Miranda. You have fallen for your best friend and according to everyone else he likes you too. _My 'angel' voice speaks up. _Where have you been? I was getting lonely with just my evil voice all the time…Not. _Oh shut up, it's not like you don't talk to yourself.

I feel the warmth leave my hand, and I turn to Chris in panic. He gives me an accusing eye, and begins to rub my back, knowing that it will calm me down. I begin to get drowsy and lean against Chris for support. Curse Chris and him knowing me too well.

"Don't worry Cameron, Miranda was just joking. She didn't mean any harm." There goes Chris again, covering for me. He knows better then to add the 'didn't you Miranda?' onto the end of the sentence. "Miranda be nice, don't worry I can handle myself. I'm a big boy." Chris purrs in my ear. I want to argue with him, but with him stroking my back and being so close, it's hard to pull myself out of paradise.

"Its okay, I'm used to Miranda by now." Cameron grumbles and stands up as the bus stops. Remind me to laugh about that later. Regretfully, I stand up as well, swaying with the new found tiredness. Chris is right behind me though, grabbing my elbow to steady me. He holds me there until the bus is rather empty.

"Hey, are you okay?" Chris asks, concern racing through his expression. _Sure, just peachy, now that I know I'm not the only one who thinks your good looking. Now that I know I have major competition to compete against. _I sigh and step out into the aisle.

"Yeah, just having an off day." I promise to be on my best behavior with Chris today. Chris follows me off the bus and to where Cameron is standing.

"Right there with you." Chris says before speaking to Cameron. "Okay well I'll see you later today, I need to go to the principle to tell them that the newbie has arrived."

"But you can't leave yyyyeeeeeetttttt!" Cameron whines. I give her a warning glance and she stumbles to finish. "I-I mean you can't go without being introduced to our friends." Chris coaxes his head, thinking.

"I guess they won't miss me if its only for a couple minutes." Not another word is needed for Cameron as she trots ahead leading the way to our usual meeting place.

"She reminds me of Sarah." Chris whispers. Hmm, I guess I never thought of it that way. Either way I hate them both.

"Yeah I guess so, just be careful today, okay Chris? I don't want you to get tangled with the wrong people." I'm more worried than he could see, and I wanted to keep it that way. I had to warn him though, just incase he forgot. Not that he would, it just gave me a piece of mind knowing that I tied his shoes on tight before he went to run the race.

"Don't worry; I am very aware of everything after what happened at the last school." Chris as a whole, quivers, and I reach out to grab his arm, to make sure he wouldn't disappear. I hook my arm around Chris's to keep him close as we plow through the crowds in the hallways. People give Chris curious looks, but he keeps going as if they are not there. The colors of the walls just seem like splotches of black and white, blurring as we pass them. The only thing that seems solid and colorful is Chris, marching down the hall, striding past all of those other girls, and me holding onto him as we parade down to hell _together_.

Finally we reach the usual spot, right in the heart of the school, where we meet my other 'friends'. By the time we catch up to Cameron, she is already jabbering away with the rest of the group, vomiting up the gossip that she has learned minutes, if not seconds, before.

"…Anyway, why ask me when you can ask him?" Cameron motions to Chris, and a scowl tugs down on my lips. That's supposed to be my job. Cameron notices my expression and silently blends into the rest of them. They all measure up Chris with their eyes, making assumptions, and predicting, without even saying one word to actually get to know him.

"Hey guys. Incase you didn't realize, this is the guy I've been talking about. Everyone meet my best friend in the whole wide world, Chris." I step away from Chris and watch as Ron takes the first step out of his comfort zone and shakes Chris's hand.

"Nice to meet you man. Welcome to Edmund Burke High School. I'm sure you will be accepted here. I'm Ron, the womanizer of the group." Ron winks before getting a punch in the arm.

"Yeah right, like that's ever going to happen. Meet the real hunk with the junk, I'm John." John playfully shoves Ron out of the way, and claps Chris's hands with his own. Chris lets out a deep chuckle.

"Nice to meet you both." Chris's eyes are shining, all previous tension seems forgotten. Dawn barges through the boys and scans Chris up and down again, before smiling approvingly.

"I'm Dawn, you seem normal, I bet people will be all over you. No need to worry." Dawn gives Chris a tight shake of the hand and steps back into the blob of everyone else.

"Thanks Dawn, I'm sure I will enjoy myself here." Chris stands for a few minutes, waiting for someone else to step up. Sam hesitantly shuffles forward. His eyes search Chris deliberately before he glances over at me. His shoulders seem to sag, but that doesn't keep him from introducing himself next.

"Hello Chris. My name's Sam." Sam holds out his hand and waits for Chris to do the honor of shaking his hand. I want to ram Sam into the wall for talking to Chris in such a rude manor. He usually is really nice, why the sudden change in character? Chris narrows his eyes at Sam, ever so slightly, trying to figure out Sam's deal.

"Nice to meet you, Sam." I'm impressed at how calm Chris sounded, when his figure seemed so tense and angry. Although, I could be the only one who notices his anger, since he is concealing it so well. Sam gives Chris another warning look before stepping aside to let Chelsea in.

"Hi Chris, I've heard so much about you, I hope you find yourself liking it here. You are welcome to hang out with us whenever you want. I just know that we are all going to get along well. I'm Chelsea, the…motivator of the group." Chelsea beams and shakes Chris's hand, being clean, honest and polite. Chelsea is someone who I can definitely deal with.

"Nice to meet you Chelsea. It's great to know that I already have people who I feel comfortable with at this school. Thank you so much for making me feel at home already. Now I hate to run away, but I have to go meet with the principle and…organize some things." Chris grins at everyone with the kindest of all looks I have ever seen someone give, except Sam that is, where his eyes lightly brush over him. Chris turns to me, eyes glittering with hope that hadn't been there before. "Miranda, do you think that you could bring me to the office? I'm not really sure where it is."

"Sure." I see my reflection swimming in Chris's eyes. Chris is still haggard and worn out, but something has begun to burn within him. Someone clears their throats before speaking up.

"Bye, Chris." Sam spits, forcing Chris to tear his gaze from my own. Sam backs out of the group and looks at me accusingly, before his eyes become gentler. "See you later Miranda." He says softly and stumbles away, clutching his back pack close to him.

"Maybe you'll be in one of my classes." Dawn winks and rolls her eyes at Sam. "Hey wait up!" She shouts speeding up to catch up with him.

"

See you later dude!" John nods his head in a friendly matter.

"Yeah, later man." Ron claps Chris's shoulder before tugging Cameron away. Cameron spins around and opens her mouth, but I must be doing something because once she looks at me, her mouth snaps closed and she simply waves and runs after Ron. Chelsea steps up next, a little quirk on her face.

"Well now you've met our interesting little group. Have a good day." Chelsea nods knowingly at me before sauntering off with John. For what she looked at me like that for, I'm not sure, but I suppose it doesn't matter, as I turn to Chris again.

"Hey Miranda, is there something going on between you and Sam?" Chris blurts out, but then he modestly runs his hand through his hair and tries to switch the topic. "Anyway, lead the way." That's another thing I like about Chris, he doesn't force the answers out of you, he patiently waits until you are ready to tell him.

I do what I am told and step into stride with Chris, taking a left turn down the corridor. We don't speak for half of the way there until something pops inside of me. I can't have Chris thinking I am taken. _Wait what are you-_ "Sam didn't officially say that he liked me, but he was hinting at it, and once he did…well I kind of just walked away. He and Chelsea haven't really talked to me last week, and so far, I've only had a 'see you later Miranda' from Sam this week." I cut off my thoughts before they end up confusing me again. Chris nudges me, a smile crinkling his eyes.

"Playing hard to get like always I see." He jokes to himself. I look up at him confused, what is he talking about? I don't play anything, I don't even want any of the guys to like me. Except for Chris that is, I want him to like me. That would be amazing if he likes me the way I like him. I feel like we would be together, forever, I know it. _Listen to yourself! You can't get that stuck on a guy. Remember what happened to Cameron? _"He's very possessive over you." _Who the hell is he talking about? _Oh right, Sam…

"He is?" Sam had barely talked to me lately, never mind being over protective of me.

"Did you see the way he glared at me to back off? He can see our closeness and he didn't like it, so he tried to scare me away from you." Chris takes a deep breath as he stands in front of the principles office. I ignore where we are and continue our conversation, before it is too late to talk to him at all.

"Well did it work?" I ask Chris with a smirk on my face. Chris sighs, the tiredness overtaking his features again. I didn't mean to make him upset, or anything like that, I am completely surrounded with guilt, which spread within me like a contagious disease.

"You should know the answer to that by now. Nothing could ever scare me away from you, not even yourself." Chris hugs me and winks at me before speaking again. "Wish me luck on my first day, I've requested to have classes with you. Other then that I probably won't see you for the rest of today, during lunch I have to see my teachers about extra help and later today I have stay after school for some tutoring and then I'm going work, so if I don't see you today, I'll see you tomorrow." He picks up my hand and squeezes it, I suppose it is to give himself some more confidence. I grimace; he is already drifting away from me. I shake the idea from my head and force a smile to my face.

"Right, totally. Just call me if you have any questions okay?" I feel like I am saying goodbye to him forever. It suddenly feels like the world is crushing down on me. Chris warily grins at me.

"If only I could." Oh right he doesn't have a phone…

"Right, well make sure you let me know, I'll see you in the mornings, and if you don't have work one day-"

"That one day would be Friday."

"Great, we'll catch up then for a few hours after school, if you want to of course; I mean I don't want to intrude."

"Miranda its impossible for you to intrude." Chris murmurs. I find myself smiling at the idea.

"Remember what I said." My thoughts are coming out as a jumbled mess in my head. I can't tell what I want, or what I fear, or what I need to be cautious of. The only thing that I do know is that Chris is in front of me, and everything might change after this. Just like it did 2 years ago.

"You've said a lot of things today, Miranda." He doesn't say the words harshly, but more like he has a headache, and he's tired, and he wants to get this over with. My smile falters a little bit, this is exactly like 2 years ago.

"Be careful of who you hang out with, I don't want to see you get hurt." I manage, through a broken smile. Chris opens his mouth to say something, but then he notices my expression and engulfs me in an embrace.

"This isn't goodbye forever, this is goodbye until I see you in class. No, its not even a goodbye, I wont allow it to be. This is seeing you later." He clutches me closer to him and all I can do is to breathe him in, and feel his warmth. Suddenly I am very calm and peaceful and I agree with him. What was I thinking, that we would never talk again? We would, Chris is polite enough that he would tell me if he didn't want us to be friends again. How silly of me!

"Ahem, there are no signs of affection allowed inside of school property." The principles beady little eyes glare at me as I pull away from him. My sense of warmth and calmness has escaped me, and is replaced with anger and a cold touch. I glare right back at her. I open my mouth to say 'well obviously you weren't there when Mark was basically raping Amber in the cafeteria last week,' but Chris places his hand on my shoulder, telling me I better calm down.

"Sorry, but we are just friends." Chris coaxes his head and smiles innocently. As I look up at him I roll my eyes, but then I beam as well. Not because I want to get on the principles good side, but because his smile made me feel happy.

"Yes well that hug told me that you are friends who want to be more then 'just friends.'" The principle says in a squawk, she honestly looks like an ugly fat crow. Chris and I blush madly, but we don't move away from each other. I sigh Chris always being the straight A student that he is, probably is relating this to torment. I might as well free him from it.

"This is Chris Mayson, your new student, and I was just wishing him good luck on his first day." I try to keep my voice from edginess, but I don't think it really works. The principle looks at me through narrow slits for eyes.

"Chris Mayson, it doesn't ring a bell." Chris looks embarrassed as he steps forward a little bit.

"Actually it's Chris Fedelity." I'm a little taken back, wasn't that his foster families last name? Usually when you are put back into adoption you have your original families last name. Jefferson was my blood parents last name, thank god I didn't keep the foster parents last name, that would be horrible. I stare at Chris confused, but then I return my gaze to the principle, I could ask Chris about it later.

"Ahh, nice to meet you Chris, come and step into my office." The principle opens her door and waits for Chris to go inside. Chris's hand slips down from my shoulder, to my hand and he squeezes it before shooting me one more glance and entering the dark pit that is the principles office. The principle gives me another bad look and shuts her door.

Today is going to be amazing, I can just feel it. Yeah, I wish.

**A/N: ok so cool! I do in fact have 15 reviews for ch 10, and we went over! that makes me so happy! Anyway, so i know this is a long chapter, i couldnt find a place to stop! but after this chapter oh god, all there is going to be is drama to action to drama to romace to action to drama to romance! its going to be crazy! so keep tuned :) and thank you to Heartie Sarah, Emma, Topazdestined, BinkyBaby, Sammy and Claire Blake! Thank you to all who reviewed! its amazing, thank you so much for reading, hope you enjoyed!**


	11. Drunken Parties

11.

It turns out that Chris is in my science, math, and gym class. We couldn't sit next to each other for science or math, but we did hang out during gym. Gym was at the end of the day and only then could I realize how shockingly tired Chris was. He could barely throw a ball, and when he ran he stumbled and fell, only to be ridiculed by the other guys in the class, but I shut them up good. When I got home to the orphanage that day, I asked Ms. Sarah if she knew anything about it. She had seemed worried and told me that Chris's job didn't get over until twelve at night, and then he had to do all of his homework.

The next morning I told Chris to fall asleep on me on the way to school. It didn't seem much, but it was all I could do to keep Chris from passing out during the day. He fell asleep almost immediately on my shoulder and I didn't wake him up until I absolutely had to when the bus driver started yelling at me. That day I got a job at a local convenience store called Maryland's Necessities. I get paid 7.50$ an hour and work three hours a day for 5 days, which would make the weekly salary 112.50$. I plan on giving a hundred to Chris and saving twelve dollars and fifty cents for myself. I want to save up for a couple of nice pairs of clothes to wear around Chris. I start working next week, from Sunday to Thursday (I kept Friday open for just Chris and I) and I start at six and worked till the store closes at nine. It isn't amazing but it's _something_. This brings us to today, which is Thursday.

I told Chris I could help him in science and math, so he saves his lunches open for me to tutor him and the saves the after noon for history and French. He is sitting next to me, answering the problem I just made up for him. For lunch he has an apple and a peanut butter sandwich, which really isn't that much for a guy his age.

"So then the side of the triangle would be 46 to the 13th power?" He looks up from his scribbles only to see me frown. I shake my head.

"Okay, you see trigonometry is stupid like that, you would think that-" Chris glances behind me, and smiles. I turn around only to almost kiss Cameron, for she is so close to my face I have to almost get out of my seat to back away.

"Hey guys, I know you're doing home work and stuff, but I was wondering if you wanted to come to Benny's party tomorrow." Benny, hmm the name sounded familiar, where is from again?

"Oh Benny, he's a cool kid. He's in my math, science and history class." Chris yawns and brushes his hands through his hair. I sit there marveling at him, and his cuteness. Oh that's right; Benny is in two of my classes. I open my mouth to say what I always say 'sorry too busy', but Chris continues to my surprise. "Sure, as long as I can go home and take a nap before hand." Cameron's eye's light up like hot stage spotlights, making me feel uncomfortable.

"You could totally take a nap before hand! The party doesn't start until 7:30. How about you Miranda, do you want to come?" Cameron and Chris turn to look at me. I weigh my options back in forth in my head. I could a) go back to the orphanage and just do nothing all night or b) I could go to an extremely loud and obnoxious party with Chris…the options weren't amazing. However, it doesn't seem like I will be seeing Chris again after school until next week, and I DO want to talk to him, preferably about stuff that doesn't have to do with math or science. Besides, I don't want Cameron, Dawn or anyone else getting the chance to flirt with Chris. Especially Amber. I hesitantly look over at them and let out a sigh.

"As long as I have a ride, I suppose I'll go." I mutter. Cameron's mouth drops open, and her eyes widen, she looks like a bug. Meanwhile, Chris smiles and ruffles my hair.

"I'll be your ride." Chris offers, with the corners of his eyes crinkling. I could tell he is excited based on the gleam in his eye. Cameron jumps up from leaning on the table and twirls around in a circle.

"YAY! Miranda's coming! This is going to be so much fun! Ok, Miranda I am going to bring you the outfit you are going to wear tomorrow morning, so you can change into it before Chris comes to get you."

"Oh that's okay-" I argue, but she can't hear me over the sound of her own laughter and joy. In seconds she has skipped out of the library. Chris is looking after her, smiling haggardly to himself. He turns back to me and picks up his pencil, but before he gets back to work he laughs.

"Just like Sarah." Great. One more person out to destroy my day.

…..

By the time 6 o'clock rolls around, I take a shower and change into the outfit Cameron gave me. The outfit is a dress, and a very red one at that. It looks as though someone vomited blood all over it, and it is still crimson red and shiny like its wet blood. The dress is also slutty. The neck line is cut low enough, so that my breasts are barely kept hidden underneath the cloth, and my butt looks larger then normal. It is tight and comes to about mid-thigh. However, despite all of this, it really looks flattering on me and seems to really brings out my curves, and although I might think I look slutty, it's nothing compared to what other girls wear. My shoes are black flats, probably Cameron's old ones. She told me that we would be the 'matching sexy twins'. How exciting. Cameron also told me to put my hair up in a high pony tail, but I pull it out and allow my natural hair to come out in flowing waves. My hair at least covers me a little more. I am about to go change when I hear Ms. Sarah call my name.

"Miranda, Chris is here!" She shouts up the stairs. Perfect. I am suddenly slapped with self consciousness, and I desperately want to go grab something to cover up. So I grab the only thing I can in the five seconds that I have. I grab the black shawl that Cameron gave me that barely covers my shoulders. "Miranda?" Ms. Sarah shouts again.

"I'm coming!" I snarl and rush into the bathroom to brush my teeth and check over my ensemble. Normally I wouldn't give a damn about what I wear, but Chris is going to be there. And well…I want him to look at me and nobody else. I brush my fingers through my hair one last time and hustle down the stairs, being careful to keep everything in line. When I reach the stairwell Chris and Ms. Sarah are talking about something important. Ms. Sarah has her lips pulled into a tight thin line, and concern is etched into her features. Meanwhile Chris is trying really hard not to raise his voice, even though his voice is booming in anger. I stop towards the top of the stairwell, not knowing whether I should turn around and leave them to their bickering or if I should break it up. My foot slowly rises onto the previous step, but when I step down the stair creaks. I wince and Chris's eyes shoot up to me, eyes reflecting the anger in his voice. Once he sees me the anger burns away into a more complex emotion. His mouth drops open before he literally shakes himself out of it. Ms. Sarah swirls around, but once she see's me she lets out a small snicker.

"I figured it was you." She says motioning to Chris's expression as to why she knew. However, Chris is so focused on me, it doesn't seem like he even heard her. His blazing smile takes over his whole body, as though every inch of him is smiling at me. It is as though the sunlight has drowned him in its glow, even though the sun has set over an hour ago. I begin feeling a little awkward with them both staring at me so I race down the rest of the stairs.

"Wow." Chris breathes. He takes a strand of my hair and twirls it around his finger like he did the other night. My breath catches in my throat as I watch his eyes trace over my figure. I cant help but notice a slight blush to his cheeks and the sparkle in his eyes. He clears his throat and takes a step away from me, I hadn't realized how close we had gotten. "Sh-should we go?" He stutters and blushes even more.

"I suppose." I sigh and lead the way to the door. I skip down the steps and wait in front of Chris's car, waiting for him to open it.

"I'll have her back by midnight!" I hear him call to Ms. Sarah. _It's just like a date. _I think to myself, and this time I don't ignore it, I embrace it, for tonight I know that I mean something to Chris. He looked at me in a way no one else ever has, and that meant the world to me. I hear the pop of the car lock unlocking and I pull open the door. Once the orphanage is far in the distance, Chris turns down the radio and beams at me, before turning back to the road.

"You look amazing by the way." Those words are the only words I need to make me the happiest girl in the world. I blush because I am not used to being complimented.

"Thanks, you don't half bad yourself." That was a huge understatement. He is wearing simple dark jeans and a nice button down shirt. The top of the shirt isn't buttoned, giving him a relaxed looked. The shirt makes all of the colors of his eyes pop behind his eye lashes and his jeans fit his body nicely, making his relaxed look not look tired or run down. His broad shoulders and strong abs makes him look masculine and really, _really_ hot.

"What do you think this party is going to be like?" Chris ignores my complement, and that's when I notice he's a little tense. He's probably nervous about going to another one of these parties because last one he went to was during his other, darker, life.

"I'm not sure what to expect, I haven't been to many of these." I say honestly. Chris shoots me a glance before opening and closing his mouth to say something. "Okay Chris what is it? Just spit it out I can take it." I'm not as fragile as you remember. Chris just shrugs and his eyes slide over to me again.

"It's just…Cameron told me something interesting." He says, but he is hesitant and pauses. I look at him glaring; the happiness has been smothered out by the new burning in my chest. Chris notices my new found anger and quickly continues. "She told me that you didn't go to parties and this is going to be your first one. When I asked her why, she said 'oh you know Miranda, she's working full time and she has her house to watch over and has to get good grades for a scholarship.' Do you know anything about this Miranda?" He takes another look at me, but when he does I quickly become fascinated with the window. I don't say anything for a while because I have no idea what to say. Finally I just go with the truth, because I am so tired of telling lies. I want to be myself with Chris, not little Ms. Perfect that I am around everyone else.

"I don't want them to know." I whisper. I don't turn my attention to him, I just clutch my hand in my lap and trace patterns onto the window.

"What do you mean Miranda?" Chris reaches over to touch me, but I automatically flinch. His hand freezes and goes back to the steering wheel.

"I'm not sure exactly. I don't want them to know anything about me, the real me. I want them to think I'm graceful and wistful, and amazing, that's what they deserve. That's the least I can do, I've already burdened this world enough with my existence. I have to make it up to them somehow, no matter what I think of them, it doesn't matter. It only matters what they think. That's my job to make other people happy, even if I hate them. In reality though, I don't really hate them, I'm just jealous of them. I'm jealous that they can see the world with such optimism with such open eyes, with such color. All I can see the world as is dull, annoying, and pointless. I'm so jealous of how they can decide and do things without worrying about anything, without having a pang of sadness whenever they do anything. They can walk through life and see all of its pleasures, and don't let the bad clog their vision. That's my job I guess, to keep the bad from clogging their vision, it doesn't matter how much I hate it. They deserve better then me. So I gave them the fake me, so that they don't have to worry about me, and so that they don't get caught up in the bad." My hands tremble in my lap; I never knew that about me until I said it out loud. Here I thought I hated everyone so much for not being grateful and for being annoying, but in reality they aren't annoying, they're happy, and I don't hate everyone, I'm just jealous of them all. Well except for Amber, I'm still pretty sure I hate her. Tears blurred my vision, why? It was so much easier just hating everyone, but now I don't know what to think!

Chris pulls my chin up so I am forced to look at him. I hadn't even realized that we had stopped in front of a large house with blinking lights and pounding music. "What about you Miranda? What about your happiness?"

"I told you already. I don't matter." I blink rapidly holding back tears. _Stop it, you are no softie, get over it. You don't matter, so what? No one likes cry babies, not even Chris. SUCK IT UP. _I pull away from his heated gaze and step out of the car. Chris follows my lead and wraps his arm around my waist as I walk by.

"Hey you listen to me. You DO matter, to your friends, to Sarah and to me. Everything your parents told you was a lie. Don't say you don't deserve anything, because you do! You deserve something better then this life." I am about to say something when Cameron runs over to hug me. She is wearing the same outfit I am except her dress is pink, she's not wearing her shawl, and her hair is swept up into a high ponytail.

"HIIII! OmygoshIcan'tbelieveyoucame! Why isn't your hair up in a pony tail?" Cameron jabbers. I open my mouth to say something but she interrupts. "Oh never mind that. Come _on_!" She tugs me away with Chris in tow.

Cameron opens the door to loud music, blazing lights and people dancing everywhere. The house would've looked really calm and stylish if there wasn't people crowding every part of it. The house is also quite big, or at least bigger then any house I've ever stayed at (except for possibly my house with my original parents but I don't really remember) and we are standing in the living room which alone is twice the size of the dinning room at the orphanage (and that's saying a lot).

The beginning of the party is okay, Chris and I are introduced to a lot of people who I apparently know. Wait, correction, people who apparently know _me_. We also dance, which is basically bobbing up in down with the music. I drink the punch a lot, it is really good and I'm hoping that its not spiked. Eventually I have to go to the bathroom, so badly it feels like my bladder is about to explode.

"Hey Chelsea?" I yell over the music. Chelsea, who is wearing a flailing skirt and a royal blue halter top, leans over to hear me.

"What?" She yells back.

"Can you tell me where the bathroom is?" I ask, my throat hurts from screaming so much.

"Sure I'll show you it." Chelsea says grabbing my hand.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah I need to check on Sam anyways." Sam? He's here? I hadn't seen him all night, maybe he had been with his other friends. When we reach upstairs I can at least talk without having to yell.

"What's wrong with Sam?" I ask referring to her last comment.

"Oh nothing, he went to the bathroom a while ago and I haven't seen him since." Chelsea leads me down a hallway and opens a door to the left. Inside it is dark, and it is obvious that no one is in there, but Chelsea feels obligated to turn on the lights to make sure anyways.

"That's weird; I think I'm going to go look for him. Can you find your way back to the party?" I didn't like the sound of shoving through all of the hot and sweaty bodies to try to find Chris, but I didn't need her to guide me back. I could just follow the music.

"Yeah I think so." I finally speak. Chelsea smiles and murmurs a see you later, and leaves me to my duties. When I am finished I step out into the deserted hallway, and follow the roaring music down the hallway to the stairs. Great how am I going to find Chris in this mess? I think, looking at everyone smashed together into one big blur. But I don't have to go searching for him, because I have already found him.

And he is talking to Amber.

Amber laughs at something Chris said and throws her arm around him cramming her breasts into his chest. Chris smiles down at her, seeming not to notice her tiny black dress that hardly even covered her nipples. Then she does something that makes my heart stop beating in my chest and makes my blood go cold.

She kisses him.

I cover my mouth to keep the sobs inside of me. I can't stand to watch any more so I twirl around and sprint up the stairs, trying hard not to trip and fall. My heart is thumping in my chest, hard and cold, yet so filled with fire that makes my eyes burn. Tears blur my vision, but I refuse to cry over such a silly thing of a broken heart. _Stupid, stupid, stupid! I can't believe you fell for it, literally! How many times do you need to learn? Love is an emotion you must never trust, you can't believe in it, you can't ever feel with that emotion. Never. _I keep running down the hall, past the bathroom, away from Amber, and away from my broken heart. I take a left down the hall only to find a dead end. I lean against the wall and slide down it. I wrap my arms around my knees and put my head into them. Don't cry, don't cry. You are not going to cry. I repeat to my self over and over again.

"A broken heart get you all strummed up darlin'?" A voice says. I freeze for a second, even though their words are slurred and strangled from anger, I recognize the voice. I glance up to find a very drunken, and very furious, Sam.

**A/N: okay so that took me a while i had a writing block, but i finally got it up! i told you that its going to be intense! whats going to happen to Miranda? is there going to be more Chris + Amber? Keep reading! Thanks for reading! Please REVIEW!**


	12. A Broken Heart And A Broken Reputation

12.

Sam stares at me with such fury; I didn't know anyone else except me had. I watch him carefully through wary eyes. What is he up to? "Get up." He says curtly. I don't move an inch, its better not to listen to angry drunk people. Just for future reference.

"I say get up you lil' whore." He barks and yanks me up by my hair. I let out a little squeal. He slams the back of my head into the wall. I make another sound, closing my eyes against the pain that now throbs through my skull. This is all too familiar; I close my eyes against the memories that have come flooding back. My foster parents, beating me then kicking me so hard that sometimes I would black out, not being able to handle all of the pain. I meet Sam's eyes, they are glassy and distant, and yet so full of hatred. He opens the door to a room next to us and throws me inside. Of course it's a bed room, but there are beer cans and bottles littered all around the floor. So this is where Sam was hiding out.

"Now ya gonna do as I say and you aren't going to protest." Sam closes the door behind him, stumbling from his drunkenness. He dims the lights down, pacing over to me in big long strides. The hair on the back of my neck rises, this is not good. Survival skills take over as I try to run around him, but he grabs my waist and rams me into the metal bed frame. All of the air in my lungs gushes out of me in one painful bash.

"That's what's goin ta happin if ya disobey." He slurs, trying to caress my chin but he jabs me instead. I hold my gaze steady as I look at him.

"Sam I am sorry, but I don't like you that way. I want to be friends but nothing more." I say blandly. Sadness flickers across his face for a moment before he drags me onto the bed. He gets on top of me and squashes down on me.

"Nah, uh, you lia, that's impossible." He hiccups and drags me up to the top of the bed. I keep him at an arms length away from me. No, Sam, don't do this. Please, I don't want to fight anymore.

"Sam, I don't like you, please let me go." My voice has a little more diction and is louder than last time. Instead Sam pins me to the bed and starts planting kisses down my jaw line, his sloppy spit outlining every kiss. I wiggle around some more and try to push him off me, but he is too big and heavy, and he's too determined. I do something that I never would have done with my foster parents. I scream.

"Help! Someone, anyone, Please! Sam, GET OFF OF ME." I try to shove him off again but Sam presses down even further. His breath smells like alcohol and it makes my stomach churn. He slowly reaches over the side of the bed. I continue to scream, shove and wiggle from his grasp.

"I wouln't do dat if I were ya." Sam whispers huskily, but I don't listen to him and pray that someone will hear me. All of that stops with the sound of glass shattering. All of a sudden a sharp pain condescends on my shoulder, and I can already feel blood seeping out of the slashing wound. I let out a shrill cry, this time it is not a cry for help, it's a cry of pain. Sam raises the broken beer bottle again, and I think he is going to cut me so I close my eyes tightly and flatten my lips into a thin line. I prepare myself for another round of beating, but it never comes. Sam leans down over me, and begins to bite and suck on my neck. Somewhere in me shuts down. Any will to fight, dies in my throat, and my chest begins to ache every time I breathe in. I can hear my foster parents cursing at me, telling me I wasn't worth it. Their words filling me with sorrow and doubt. Suddenly I welcome the pain inflicted on my shoulder; it distracted me from the new pain in my heart. It feels like Sam is ripping and tearing at the wounds that Chris tried so hard to heal.

In the back of my mind I feel Sam moving to start peeling off my shawl, revealing scars and the thick blood that coats my shoulder and my top. I am slightly aware that I am bleeding too much, and that soon my head will start to spin from the blood loss, but at this point why does it matter? I would rather be unconscious while Sam fills his satisfactions. Maybe if I were lucky, the cut would be enough to kill me, Chris doesn't need me anymore, no one would miss me anyway. Sam presses his hand up to my cheek, smearing blood all over my face. If he was sober, then he might have done this differently. If he really cares about me, he wouldn't be doing this in the first place.

Sam leans over me and afflicts his lips to mine. Instead of easing into it, Sam jumps in and sticks his tongue into my mouth and slobbers all over my mouth. He tastes like beer and faintly of vodka, and it is enough to make my head spin even more than it already has. I try to move my arm, but the cut seems to have been muscle deep, because I can hardly move it, and when I do, a searing pain stops me from wanting to try moving it ever again. It's okay though, because I have had worse then this in the past. Sam is still gagging me, but he pulls away in a second to put down the broken beer bottle. I swallow back all protests, he needs both of his hands now. However, when he puts down the bottle, his horrible double vision, that he must be having, makes him push over the lamp. The lamp falls to the ground and shatters, into tiny shards of plaster that is impossible to put back together again.

I hear footsteps pounding down the hall, and I hear the sound of the door slamming open. "Sam…?" Chelsea's voice floods into the room like a candle entering a dark room. Sam pulls away from me long enough so that I can sit up and look at Chelsea. Once she sees me, her eyes bug out of her head and she claps her hand against her mouth.

"Oh my god! Miranda, are you okay?" Chelsea rushes over to us and tries to shove Sam away, but she is about as successful as I am. "Sam get off of her! Can't you see she's hurt?" Chelsea grabs Sam's chin and forces him to look at her. Chelsea doesn't get a good look, because the minute she touches him, he elbows her in the chest, and I can hear the air burst out of her lungs.

"Ya, she a hurt, and you'ra gunna be too, if ya donna stop." Sam slurs and returns his attention to me. The pain in my shoulder turns numb, just like the rest of me. Sam slams me back down into the pillows and smothers me with more kisses.

"Miranda, I'm going to get help." Chelsea says, and hastily sprints out the door. I hardly hear her though. I feel like my body is in another time, in another place, while my spirit is in a dark cold winter, sleeping in utter darkness. Sam unzips my dress, and slides it off of me, hurtling it behind him. My blank eyes stare vaguely at the ceiling. My body feels so thick and heavy, feeling the weight of the world pushing down. Even though Sam is a pig, I still don't deserve him, I am here to make him happy. It doesn't matter if I'm silently dying inside, I don't matter.

In my foggy dream state I feel Sam being thrown off of me, and warm arms picking me up and cradling me. Their breath tickles my ear as they wipe off the blood from my cheek and my shoulder. "Miranda." A voice says urgently. My spirit stirs in its dead winter. "Miranda?" The voice asks again more concerned. My spirit sits up and looks around into the darkness and bitter cold. "MIRANDA!" The voice shouts, and suddenly the sun comes out and warms my spirits body.

Abruptly my senses come back. The person holding me smells of Axe and spearmint and sweat from other people's bodies. I can feel their arms, hard from their muscles, and yet soft, from their flesh. My eyes glide open, only to see Chris looking down at me. His multi-colored eyes flicker with worry, and the lines on his face are tense with concern. He has a drop of sweat dripping down the side of his face, usually I would find it gross, but on this occasion, I find it really attractive. Despite all of this my heart leaps at the sight of blood at the collar of his shirt. Behind Chris the world is spinning, I assume it's from my blood loss, but maybe Sam hit my head again, I'm not too sure which.

"Chris…" My voice is shallow and raspy, so basically, it sounds like crap. I frown at the challenge to form words. Chris doesn't pay attention to my urgency to ask if he is ok, and places his forehead on top of mine. He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath

"You have no idea how badly you just scared me. Never do that again ok?" He sounds like a parent scolding a child, but he says it quietly enough so that only I can hear him, so in a way it sounds sexy. Then Chris stands up straight and turns to Chelsea who is standing in the room, wide eyed and terrified. "We need to get her to the hospital; she's loosing too much blood."

"Ok, I'll go tell everyone that you're leaving, take her out the back stairs. There shouldn't be anyone there." Chelsea says staring at me. I quickly cross my arms so she can't see my wrists. Chelsea stares at Chris and me for a little longer before racing out the door.

"Chris put me down." I crackle, for the first time I realize I'm in my underwear, and Chris is carrying me bridal style. My face burns with embarrassment. But that's not why I want Chris to put me down. I don't want to go to the hospital. If I go to the hospital the doctors will give me a full body examination to make sure nothing else is wrong. When they do this, they will find my scars and will tell Chris about it. Chris will tell Ms. Sarah who will get me another appointment with the psychiatrist. Not only do I not want to see another psychiatrist but I also don't want Chris or anyone else to find out about my wrists. Chris tightens his grip on me instead of setting me down.

"No Miranda, you need help. You were basically unconscious a couple of minutes ago, there is no way that you are okay enough to stand." Chris is stubborn when it comes to things like this, so I'm going to have to be sly.

"Chris please, my shoulder hurts in this position." Lying feels gross when I do it to Chris, but it's the only way for him to put me down. Quite honestly, the pain in my shoulder kills, but I've had worse, so when Chris sighs and puts me down, I just wince. All of a sudden a wave of dizziness crashes onto me, so much so that I fall forward, not being able to tell what is up or down or left from right. Chris thankfully catches me and sits me down on the bed.

"We need to go. Now." Chris says getting ready to pick me up again. I frown and shake my head at him.

"Trust me on this one, I have had much worst and I have never needed medical help." I say reaching up to my shoulder to see how bad the cut really is. I wince again when I touch it, and it stings like hell, but with the proper care I don't absolutely need stitches, it will definitely scar, which is really the only reason why anyone would get stitches, to eliminate the scar probability. During some of the worst times I thought I was going to die and I did believe that without the stitches I would bleed to death, but of course my foster parents didn't care if I died so they didn't bring me to the hospital. I took care of myself then, and I certainly could now.

"But…" Chris reaches out to me to touch me, I flinch thinking he is going to smack me or hurt me, even though I know that he won't. Chris frowns and reaches out even further before firmly grasping my good shoulder. His hand sends sparks down the rest of my arm. His warmth is gentle and sure that I want him to be surrounding me, the feeling is so intense that I almost grab his shirt and pull him in. "You're really hurt though, and you're so pale. I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't get you to the hospital." His face is so worried; it's really, actually, cute. I smile at him and pat his hand on my shoulder.

"I have seen much, much worse than this. Don't worry I know how to take care of myself. Now if you really want to help me, rip me a strip of the sheets, as long as a strand as you can get it." I slowly rise from the bed with Chris monitoring my every move until I am leaning against the wall for support. I watch in awe as Chris's muscles ripple while ripping apart the sheets. His arms tense and bulge and seem so powerful, and ripping apart the sheets seemed as simple as ripping a piece of paper to Chris. I let out a breath that I had been holding without my knowledge as Chris walks over to me with shards of sheet in his hands. Again my vision begins to dim and everything appears to be foggy, everything spins so I lightly push Chris aside and stumble onto the bed. All while I'm in my underwear, but in my current state I couldn't really care less. My eyes start to droop and my head begins to slouch forward, there's too much blood dripping from the cracks in between my fingers. Chris lifts up my chin so he can get a good look at me. He frowns like he's unhappy, but the lines on his forehead and the way his eyebrows are creased show that he is more than unhappy, he's scared and distraught.

"Miranda, look at me, okay? Keep looking at me and stay awake. What am I supposed to do now?" Chris holds up my shoulders as I dip forward again. My eyes search for him, but everything is so foggy I can't tell which blob is what. Chris must be able to tell because he stands up and prepares himself for picking me up. "Screw it, I'm getting you help."

"Chris no! I'm fine as soon as we stop the damn bleeding. Okay I need you to wrap the sheets as tight as you possibly can around my shoulder. I don't care if you think you're hurting me, remember I have dealt with far worse, and if you don't do it tight enough then I could be at risk for loosing too much blood." My mouth somehow forms the words, they sound disoriented and conjoined but at least you could somewhat understand them.

"Well shit Miranda, I don't know what to do. You're nearly passed out; I really think we should get you to the hospital." Chris says, hesitant to go back into the bedroom. He looks nervously at the door and then back at me. He does a double take, then his face relaxes and his shoulders sag as he looks distantly out the doorway. I lean forward enough so that I can see over my feet and at the hallway. Standing there, with all of her slutty, whore, bitchiness is the wonderful actress Amber. My whole body reacts to them. Anger bursts and I feel my body tremble with it. Right, I had forgotten, this is the boy who let Amber kiss him. This is the boy who didn't care about me as much as I thought he did. My vision is back enough for me to untangle myself from him and I land gracefully on the ground below.

"You know what Chris?" I spit glaring up at his shocked eyes. "I can fix myself; I don't need your or her help. Not now, not ever. I'll find my own ride home." I fume and claw at the sheets that still are crumpled in Chris's arms. My arm burns at the furious movements, but I welcome the pain to distract me from the new stabbing pain in my heart. Sadness flashes across Chris's face and he turns to Amber. For a minute I really think he is going to do what I told him to, which is the complete opposite of what I need him to do, but instead he just mumbles something at Amber and shuts the door. Right in her ugly butt for a face.

"What are you talking about! Why are you suddenly so angry? Is there something that I am missing? I try so hard to please you and then you just blow up like that! Is there something wrong with me? Tell me what's up because obviously I'm oblivious." Chris folds his arms across his chest fury burning holes on my head, and if I didn't know Chris better, then I would have thought Chris is actually angry, but in reality, Chris is just doing what I always do. Covering up the pain. My mask falls to the floor and breaks, just like it always did with Chris around. I bite my lip extra hard to keep the tears back. Chris's mask breaks as well, and in a second Chris is hugging me and kissing the top of my head.

"Oh god, I am so sorry. I knew that today was horrible for you, not only about Sam thing but also about remembering all of that terrible stuff. I'm such an ass." Chris strokes my hair and rubs my back soothing me, but also making me remember that I am hurt and still loosing blood, not as much as before but still enough to make me woozy. This time when the dizziness and darkness surrounds me, I can't fight it off. Before I was scared of what will happen, but now that I am in Chris's arms I feel safe and warm, and I know that Chris will take care of me. I allow the darkness to consume me.

Ooo0000oooo

When I wake up, I find myself in Chris's car with the streetlights flashing by in a blur. I am wearing Chris's shirt, covering me enough so that my underwear isn't showing, but if I were to move in anyway the shirt would ride up and then that wouldn't be true. I sigh and try to pull myself into a sitting position. My arm still hurts, but there is something tight wrapped around it. My head feels heavy and groggy, but I might as well get up so I can at least find out where Chris is dragging me to.

"Oh good you woke up." Chris says, gliding his thumb over my hand that lies on the dash board. I nod and blink a few times trying to shake away the sleepiness. I open my mouth to ask where we are headed, but Chris answers without me having to ask. "Don't worry we aren't going to the hospital, I'm just bringing you home." I let out a sigh of relief and pull down on his shirt, trying to cover more of me. His shirt slips off my shoulder, his broad shoulders are not quite the same as my slim ones. I give up and adjust my seat belt.

"What happened to Sam?" I blurt, before I was too concerned with everything else, but now the question is the only thing that nags me. I look up at Chris with large innocent eyes. Chris laughs at me and messes up my hair. I roll my eyes, but I secretly love the sign of affection.

"I beat him up; he hit his head on a table. He became unconscious and Ron and John drove him home." He puts the car in park in front of the orphanage. I still have questions though, so I keep on firing away.

"What's the story that they are going to tell his parents?" I ask completely horrified with the idea of Sam's parents finding out what he did.

"Well they are going with they found him unconscious in a room full of beer. They are leaving out the part with…you involved." Chris's hands clench the steering wheel with the talk about Sam, so I carefully switch the topic.

"Well thanks for not blowing up at me like I did to you." I say opening my door, getting ready to go.

"Freeze." Chris says opening his own door. I do what I am told and in seconds Chris is helping me out of the car and walking me to the door with my arm around his neck for support. Of course I'm not walking all that much it's more like Chris carrying me into the orphanage, which I am totally okay with. "Which way to your room?"

"Up the stairs and to the right." I would be arguing with him, but I am too tired to do much of anything when Chris picks me up bridal style and brings me up the stairs. I point to my room and before I know it I'm firmly on the ground in front of my door.

"I'll go check you in, you just go to bed. You hear?" He says pushing a strand of hair out my face. I nod, wanting nothing more.

"Goodnight Miranda, sleep well. Do you want me to tuck you in?" He asks unknowingly getting closer to me. I want to say yes, with all of my heart, but I force myself to smile.

"No thanks, I can handle myself. Goodnight, Chris." I murmur and open my door and slip in before Chris can take a peak inside. Besides, what's the use of loving someone who will never love you back?


	13. The Blood And Gory Of Chris

13.

"Hey! Where is Miranda going?" I yell watching Miranda as she follows Chelsea, weaving through the crowd. Miranda looks beautiful tonight, as usual, but tonight she has really out done herself. Her red dress hugs every curve, and is a little short, but long enough to stay on the flirtatious side rather than the slutty side. Her make up made her eyes really pop and her mouth completely irresistible. I realize I want to be with her all night as I watch her fade into the crowd. I don't want to miss a single second of her sauntering beauty…and I don't want the other guys thinking she's some candy out for the taking. I feel someone stumble into me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I look down to find a petite brown haired girl, a little wider than Miranda, but not by much. Her boobs are the things popping out on this girl, unlike Miranda whose eyes pop. The girl's dress, that could be considered a shirt, is extremely tight, but instead of the clothing fitting to her curves, it mashes them, making them overflow into various areas. The dress is also wicked low cut and strapless, I don't understand how it even is staying up, not that its covering much anyway. The girl is somewhat pretty, but she tries too hard, making her look like a drag queen. Her hair is straightened, and hangs just above her shoulders. Her eyes are dark and a little glazed over, and she's probably feeling a little tipsy right about now. I've dealt with her kind before, most of the time I used them for sex, or used them just to increase my own popularity. I never really liked any of them, they were all so materialistic and shallow. Most of the time they were also back stabbers and cheaters. They were part of my other life, I don't really want them in this one.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" She spits, before she narrows her eyes at me. Her face that was contorted with anger, fades into a much more curious one. To tell you the truth…it kind of scares me. "Wait a minute…you're the new guy aren't you?"

"Well, I'm new to you." I mumble, not wanting to be rude by ignoring her, but also not wanting to talk to her. She watches me from behind her false eyelashes, a sickly sweet smile plays on her bright red lipstick lips. She leans in closer to me, and I begin to drown in the smell of her perfume, seriously this girl must've dumped the bottle on herself before coming here.

"My name is Amber. Nice to meet you Chris." She says huskily, trying to woo me, but in all honesty she kind of creeps me out by knowing my name already.

"How do you know my name?" I ask not even trying to be heard over the music, she isn't worth the breath. However, I should've thought that through because that only gave her the excuse to come closer to me.

"What was that?" She asks, fluttering her eyelashes, her breath smelly and warm on my cheeks. I open my mouth to reply, but instead of my voice, another voice calls out, "Hey whore! You going to bring that puppy to bed with you too?" I look around for the person who said it, but I can't find anyone. Amber backs away from me sheepishly, a sudden sadness wraps itself around her eyes.

"Everyone in this school judges me before they even get to know me. The only reason why I act this way is because it's the only way I know how to act. My mom works at a strip club and brings home a new guy every day. I just wish someone would get me you know? Some of the guys sexually abuse me, but my mom doesn't care, I was a mistake anyway. I bet you wouldn't judge…would you?" A tear streams down Ambers face and she looks away from me. I feel bad for her and grab her chin so she can look at me. I had already judged her, and I feel guilty for assuming she's just like the other girls, she seems deep, almost.

"No I wouldn't." I already had judged her, but I'll make sure I'll never do it again, to her or to anyone else. She smiles a lip splitting smile, and chuckles a little. She throws her arm around me, and I smile thinking that she just needs someone to rely on. But then, before I can even comprehend what is going on, her lips are on mine, and her tongue intrudes my mouth. The kiss is wet and a little gross, but it makes me burn in my groin. Soon Amber fades away and its Miranda whose kissing me, and I allow my self to fall into the kiss, allow my self to really feel. After a minute or so Miranda …wait… Amber? Oh right, Amber pulls away, leaving a huge wad of spit on my mouth, and I really want to wipe my mouth, but I don't because I know it would insult her.

"I can tell we are going to be more then just friends." Amber winks at me and reaches down her shirt. Um, wtf? What the hell is she doing? I didn't really want to kiss her, never mind get into bed with her. She pulls out a scrap of paper with numbers scribbled on it, probably her number. Her dress slides down enough to show the top of her nipple, again wtf? Why isn't she wearing a bra? I immediately glance away from her cleavage, but she doesn't seem to notice and places the number in my front pocket, grazing my privates, not by mistake. My groin reacts, but not under my command. _Chris stop it, you aren't going to use this girl, she isn't like the other girls and she'll actually get hurt, and you're not that jerk anymore_. I take her hand from out of my pocket and place her number in her palm.

"I don't own a phone." I explain and the hurt look wipes away and she nods.

"I like talking in person anyway." She shrugs and beams at me. What is up with this girl? Is she bipolar of something? First she's angry, then she's flirty, then she's crying, then she makes out, then she's normal. Like what the? "So how do you know Benny?"

"He's in a lot of my classes, we talk." I put my hands in my pockets casually. Amber rolls her eyes.

"Benny hangs out with my crew, I just don't get why he invited so many losers. Like Miranda, now why the hell would he invite her?" Amber's shoulders tense and her hands clench into fists. Amber has it out for Miranda, I wonder if Miranda knows.

"Why wouldn't he invite her? She's my best friend, she's smart, nice, talented, and pretty. She's gone through so much more in her life then almost everyone in this room. Her strength astounds me." I want to continue on how amazing she is but I don't want to give away her life story. Amber glares at me.

"You just met her, is she that desperate for a boyfriend that she gave herself to you already?" Amber snaps and crosses her arms over her chest. I get a little insulted, even though Amber isn't even talking about me.

"Actually no, I've been best friends with her for years. I would appreciate it if you didn't talk poorly about her, because you obviously don't know a thing about her. You should know enough about people just assuming things to not do it yourself." I raise an eyebrow at her, she looks confused before recognition flashes across her features.

"Of course I know I shouldn't judge. Its just she's fake, she tries to be someone she's not and tries to be popular and crap, but there is no way she is that nice-"

"I said don't talk about her, she's not a fake, she's more real than anyone on this whole damn planet, and don't try to tell me she's not." I take a deep breath to calm myself before moving onto a safer topic. By a safer topic I mean a topic that I won't hurt someone about. "Do you do anything outside of school?"

"No, you get too sweaty at sports, and I don't like doing acting, I mean I don't want to be anyone other than myself, I mean why would I be someone ugly when I can be myself?" Amber finally fixes her dress and smoothes out her hair. I want to roll my eyes at her, so badly, but I don't and nod my head with a blank expression.

"CHRIS! CHRIS! Jesus, where are you! Chris!" I hear Chelsea screaming not too far behind me. I spin around just in time to catch her eye. Once Chelsea sees me she runs over panting and sweating. It seems like the air has changed in the room, the partiers are still bouncing with the music, but its like I can almost taste the fear surrounding Chelsea.

"Chelsea is everything okay?" I ask, my heart starts to squeeze like it always does when I'm worried. Chelsea shakes her head, and bites her lip.

"Its Miranda…" Chelsea's eyes begin to water. Miranda! No, she's fine. Suddenly the thought that Miranda's dead jumps in my head and I cant ignore the sudden ache in my heart. Soon I feel like my heart has leapt up my throat. I grab Chelsea's shoulder and nearly rip it off.

"What's wrong with Miranda?" I yell, anger and fear combine into one dangerous dagger, and I am not afraid to use it. Chelsea straightens her back, looks at me with sad eyes, which dart between Amber and I before she motions me to follow her as she seems to separate the crowds. I jog after her, pouncing up the stairs and bounding down the hall way before we stop before a room. I hear kissing sounds and whimper sounds…who the hell is Miranda with? Why is she…doing it with that bastard! I look at Chelsea, looking at her with pleading eyes. Why would she bring me up here and cause such horrible emotions to arise? Jealousy, anguish and fury clench my heart with no mercy.

"Prepare yourself, she's pretty messed up." She says and flings open the door. I stare at Chelsea, shocked that she would intrude on such an occasion. I turn around to leave, I don't want to see this, it'll kill me. Chelsea grabs my wrist and pulls me back with a surprising force. "Chris, this isn't what you think, look, god damn it! LOOK!" I slowly spin around on my heel scared of what I might find. Time slows down as my breath catches in my throat as I watch the scene unfold before me. Miranda's arm dangles off the side of the bed, blood dripping off her hand, splashing onto the carpet below, staining it forever in its tears. The smell in the air isn't of sex, but blood, and it seems to hover like overcast, blocking out the sun. Sam is bending over her working down her jaw line, sucking and biting her flesh, leaving it red and bruised. The whimpering sounds are coming from deep in Miranda's throat, continuous and bone chilling, like an animal about to be eaten alive. I take a step forward and almost fall on a beer bottle still half way full, spilling out its contents. Chelsea lets go of my wrist and runs to Miranda's side.

For a few seconds I can't move, I'm so horrified by everything, I can't bring myself to my right mind to actually DO something. Suddenly time snaps back to normal and in three long strides I'm next to Sam, ready to pound the guts out of him.

I yank Sam's hair back so hard that a clump of hair comes out, and he is practically off the bed. "How does it feel? Huh bastard?" I yell in his ear then throw him against the wall. He it's the wall with a loud thump and a sharp intake of breath. He slowly stands up and leans against the wall glaring bullets at me. Some how through his drunken state he still hates me enough to want to murder me.

He grabs me by the collar of my shirt and punches me in the gut. I grab my side to try to lessen the pain but it doesn't do much. I catch him off guard and nail him in the mouth. His lip splits open and his blood spurts everywhere, including on me. Sam holds his lip, glowering at me, as if he could will me to die right on the spot. Anger is still fresh under my skin, but I need to bring myself back under control, I couldn't become enemies with someone in the school already! Even though I REALLY wanted to kick Sam's ass.

"Okay, Sam, listen I don't want us to hate each other before I even get to know you. Please just leave now before this gets any worse." I say, glancing at Miranda to make sure she's okay. I feel the blood drain out of my face as I watch Chelsea pressing her hands over the wound, trying to stop the bleeding, but it seems useless. Miranda's eyes stare blankly at the ceiling, her eyes slowly closing and I wince imagining the pain she must be going through, physically and mentally. Suddenly I am rammed into the wall and am pinned there by Sam.

"Why does she love you? You have nothing to offer, no money to your name. You're not popular or have anything special about you. So why! Why does she love you and not me?" He spit in my face but not on purpose. For a second I think the whole time he was faking to be drunk, for he sounded so upset and his words were so crisp and clear. However when I look into his eyes, they are still distant and dazed proving he is in fact drunk, but the look in his eyes is so intense with sadness, that for a minute I sympathize with him, but then I remember what he did to Miranda…then not so much. I suppose I would feel the same way if I knew Miranda didn't like me all that much and she loved another guy. I do love her after all, so it would be a hard blow if she were to love someone else. Not that she does love me, but at least everyone else thinks she does, which gives me hope.

"I'm sorry, but hurting her won't get her to love you. You don't know her story like I do; you don't know the pain she has gone through and the strength that she has to use .day, just to keep herself alive. You don't know her at all, and obviously you don't like her enough to care that you have destroyed her in more ways then one. So please step out of the way so I can help her, because unlike you, I love her enough to care." I try to move out of his grasp, but instead of letting me go he scowls at me.

"You may know her, but does she know you?" He asks narrowing his eyes. My gaze wavers and I look over his shoulder at no one in particular. She knows me…to an extent. I haven't told her what happened after my mom died, or why I am really living in an apartment instead of the orphanage. I haven't told her anything about what really happened in the past when I was not only a jock but a jerk. I haven't told her about my own darkness. But I haven't told her these things to protect her. Oh who am I kidding? I haven't told her these things because I'm protecting myself from loosing her. However, I'm not going to tell my old buddy Sam this.

"She obviously knows me enough to love me." I say and swipe my foot underneath Sam and he stumbles back before falling and hitting his head on the night stand table. When he doesn't move for a little while I take a hesitant step towards him only to find him unconscious. Once I'm sure Sam is no longer a threat I only have to move back a step to be where Miranda and Chelsea are. Chelsea and I look at each other for a moment, both not sure what to do. Chelsea gets up and wipes her bloodied hands on a clean part of the bed.

"I'm going to get John and Ron to figure out what to do with Sam, maybe they can drive Sam home or something." Chelsea's eyes are wide and panicked as she rushes out the door. I nod, not that she can see or anything, and then turn my attention to my bleeding angel. I bend over her and lightly brush the hair out of her face. She's laying on a layer of red, hair sprawled over the pillow and arms out by her sides. She is in her underwear, thank god I got here when I did other wise…my hand clenches into a fist and I have to take a deep breath to calm myself. I am mesmerized by her body for a second, the way her curves fill out her body I couldn't even imagine what she looks like without anything on, but I have a pretty good idea that she is beautiful from what I can tell. I gently touch the cut on her shoulder and my hands slide with all the blood, its hard to even see how deep the wound is. She flinches when I touch the cut, so I briskly move my hand away from it, not wanting to hurt her any further. We need to get her to a hospital, and fast. I scoop her up in my arms, and she presses into me. If I am lucky, she recognizes me even in this state.

"Jesus." I hear from the door way I turn around to find Ron and John, staring at the gruesome room. I give them a slight smile and motion to Sam with my head.

"Can you get him out of here please? I don't want him to be here when Miranda wakes up, for obvious reasons." I keep my voice rather low, not wanting to wake Miranda up until Sam is at least ten miles away from her. Ron slowly enters the room, with wide eyes. He looks from me to Sam unconscious on the floor, then looks to Miranda unconscious in my arms. He gives me a brief nod to show that he got the general idea of what happened and then motions John to enter. John come in the same way only he stares at me for a while before glancing down at Miranda, he cringes when he sees her messed up arm. Ron grabs Sam's feet and John grabs Sam's arms and they lift him up together with a grunt.

"We're going with we found him like this with beer scattered around?" Ron asks being careful not to trip on any of the beer bottles and cans. I give Ron a strained smile and nod.

"That sounds perfect." I say, happy to hear that he is still going to be somewhat punished by his parents, but no matter what they did would punish him enough for what he did to Miranda. I frown at Sam as he disappears from the room, with people carrying him like he needed to go to the emergency room. I wish he was going to go there. Chelsea and I stare at each other for a while, not sure of what to do. Miranda suddenly goes limp in my arms and her head lolls backwards, hanging over my arm. I feel like my heart has hardened into stone and I gently shake her, trying to wake her up. I guess I don't have time to wait until Sam is ten miles away.

"Miranda." I say, and when she doesn't show any signs of awareness my heart plummets twenty stories. I look at Chelsea urgently before trying again. "Miranda?" I ask, waiting for a response and when I don't get one I feel as though a demon has stolen all the breath from my body. Is she dead? Please tell me she isn't dead! That douche Sam murdered such a beautiful girl, with such a blazing potential, a girl who believed in me, who didn't run away when I told her the truth. Sam killed my best friend damn it! He killed my one and only love. "MIRANDA!" I screech, utter terror and sadness finally gets the best of me. Suddenly Miranda stirs in my arms, like a little bird, so fragile and delicate and yet powerful and strong. Miranda's eyes open, two surging oceans of hope is what I find. I let out a long breath, feeling as if I may go into a heart attack in any moment.

"Chris…" A raspy sound vibrates from Miranda's throat, and although it might sound scratchy, it is still the best sound I have heard even though there's all the top songs playing from downstairs. Having Miranda go limp in my arms made me realize how much I need her, just to feel okay. I mean I knew I loved her but man, if you have ever felt like what it is like to loose someone important, well this felt like one hundred times that pain. I lean my head on top of hers and just breathe her in, taking in her naturally flowery, sweet scent, which still remained even after all the bloodshed.

"You have no idea how badly you just scared me. Never do that again ok?" I murmur, to her and only her. I take in her scent one more time before I stand up and turn to Chelsea's wide and terrified eyes. "We need to get her to the hospital, she's loosing too much blood."

"Ok, I'll go tell everyone that you're leaving, take her out the back stairs. There shouldn't be anyone there." Chelsea says staring at Miranda. Miranda quickly crosses her arms for some reason... to look menacing? But why would she want to look menacing during a time like this? Chelsea stares at Miranda and I for a little longer before racing out the door.

"Chris put me down." I hear Miranda say groggily. Yeah right, like that's going to happen, if this wasn't such a horrible situation I would have snorted.

"No Miranda, you need help. You were basically unconscious a couple of minutes ago, there is no way that you are okay enough to stand." It would be a very cold day in hell when I put her down when she's in such a critical physical and mental state.

"Chris please, my shoulder hurts in this position." She whimpers, looking up at me with her big turquoise eyes. What do I do? On one hand she is too unstable to let her stand and walk around by herself. But on the other hand, I don't want to hurt her even more than she already is. I let out a quiet sigh, I guess it is pretty cold in hell these days, and set her down firmly on the ground. Miranda doesn't stay firm for long before she falls forward, I catch \her and sit her down on the bed. I knew it! I shouldn't have put her down, and based on the way she is acting, she is not going to get any better any time soon.

"We need to go. Now." I bluntly say and prepare myself to pick her up again. She frowns at me and shakes her head no. is she crazy or something! Can't she see that she needs medical attention? God help me, for I am somehow so hypnotized by her eyes, that no matter what she says goes.

"Trust me on this one, I have had much worst and I have never needed medical help." Miranda reaches up to touch her cut and I wince with her, how much worse could she possible have had? The time when Miranda needed me the most, I wasn't there for her. While she was being cut up, burned, and tortured by the ones that were supposed to lover her the most, I was at parties with girls, all while being a completely defiant asshole.

"But…" I cant really think of a good argument to prove to her that she needs medical help even though she has never even had this option in the past. I reach out to touch her and she flinches as I near her. Sam brought her back down to her original pit of despair, I don't even think she realizes it yet, but her eyes look so…miserable. I grasp her good shoulder and try to comfort her. In the past she didn't get medical help because no one cared enough to bring her to the hospital, but today I feel like its my job to bring her there, just to signify that people do care about her now. "You're really hurt though, and you're so pale. I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't get you to the hospital." Miranda's face softens and she smiles at me, patting my hand that's on her good shoulder.

"I have seen much, much worse than this. Don't worry I know how to take care of myself. Now if you really want to help me, rip me a strip of the sheets, as long as a strand as you can get it." Miranda says and stands up from the bed. I rise behind her and watch her lean against the wall. She seems to sag against it, leaning her head on the wall as well. I lean over the bed and use all of my strength to create a tear in the sheets, then the rest of ripping the sheets is pretty easy. I get three long and thick strands and turn to Miranda again. When I reach her, she pushes me aside and stumbles to the bed, sitting heavily on it. Miranda is cradling her injury, but still blood seeps between her fingers and drip down her arm. Her head and shoulders slouch forward like she's going to pass out again. Her hair covers her face, so I can't see her eyes. I gently take her chin in my hands so I can get a good look at her. Her eyes are half closed and she sort of looks drunk. That cannot mean a good thing. "Miranda, look at me, okay? Keep looking at me and stay awake. What am I supposed to do now?" I release her chin and she dips forward again. "Screw it, I'm getting you help." I pick her up in my arms and start to stride out of the room.

"Chris no! I'm fine as soon as we stop the damn bleeding. Okay I need you to wrap the sheets as tight as you possibly can around my shoulder. I don't care if you think you're hurting me, remember I have dealt with far worse, and if you don't do it tight enough then I could be at risk for loosing too much blood." Miranda slurs her words, and I can barely understand her, she sounds as drunken as Sam. I don't want to make her upset, but I don't know if I can tie the bandage around her arm right. I really don't know what to do.

"Well shit Miranda, I don't know what to do. You're nearly passed out; I really think we should get you to the hospital." I glance out the bedroom door, only to see a figure there. I squint and recognize her. Thank god! Amber! She will know what to do, she has dealt with abuse before, she'll know if its just Miranda's delusions talking or if I really can heal her. Amber looks crazily from me to Miranda in my arms. Miranda begins to squirm in my arms and I have to put her down to keep her from falling. However, she has already jumped from my arms and landed with a light thump despite her dizziness.

"You know what Chris?" Miranda spits glaring up at me. "I can fix myself, I don't need your or her help. Not now, not ever. I'll find my own ride home." She basically screams, but with pure anger. She claws at the sheets in my hand, and she has them before long, even though her bad arm must be screaming in protest. Why doesn't she want my help anymore? Did I say something wrong? Why does she hate me so much! Sadness bursts in me, but I quickly cover the emotion with rage. I quickly face Amber and try to smile but I think it comes across a little more creepily than that.

"If you could excuse us for a minute please." I say between clenched teeth and then not meaning to, I close the door in her face. I spin around and narrow my eyes at Miranda. "What are you talking about! Why are you suddenly so angry? Is there something that I am missing? I try so hard to please you and then you just blow up like that! Is there something wrong with me? Tell me what's up because obviously I'm oblivious." I cross my arms across my chest and raise my eye brows, threatening Miranda to argue back. Instead of the smart ass response I am expecting, I am greeted by Miranda chewing on her lip and eyes filling up in her eyes. I might be angry with her still, but seeing Miranda like this is enough to make me hold her in my arms and kiss her head. I can't believe I just did that, of course Miranda is on sensitive grounds, and maybe she thought I told Amber to come up here, and by the sounds of it maybe she knows that Amber hates her so of course she's going to get angry. I start to stroke her back, knowing that it will soothe her.

"Oh god, I am so sorry. I knew that today was horrible for you, not only about Sam thing but also about remembering all of that terrible stuff. I'm such an ass." I hold her closer to me, loving every minute of being so close to her. Soon I feel her go limp in my arms and I know she has fainted. I carry her over to the bed and tie the sheets around her arm as tight as I can muster and take off my shirt and put it on her. I pick her up again and carry her out the back exit, carefully step down the stairs and bring her out front where my car is. I hastily put her in the passenger side, so that no one could see her in this state and briskly walk to the drivers seat, wanting to get her away from this place as quickly as possible.

Ooo0000oooo

When Miranda wakes up, she pelts me with questions, and I am shocked by how alert she is despite she just fainted from blood loss. I still feel the need to kill Sam, but hopefully no one will give me the chance to. When we get to the orphanage we stay in the car for a few extra minutes, so I can finish answering all of Miranda's questions. Then I carry her up to her room, I cant tell you how thankful I am that I was the star quarter back at my last school, because I don't know if I'd be able to carry her this much without that extra strength. Finally the night begins to wane and I am standing in front of Miranda's door.

"Do you want me to tuck you in?" I ask, it was kind of a bold question but tonight I had an excuse to ask and I really want to see Miranda's room.

"No thanks, I can handle myself. Goodnight, Chris." She murmurs leaving me breathless inside. She opens her door and slips in before I can take a peak inside. I stand in front of her door for a little bit, not sure if I want to just barge in and tell her the truth, that I love her with all of my heart, and that I don't want her to be with any other guy except me. Instead I take a step backwards and stick my hands in my pockets and go downstairs to check her in. Its 11:46 pm, on a brisk and cold November Friday, and I, Chris Fidelity, has officially broken my own heart. Miranda did nothing, but show me that she only likes me as a friend, by not trusting me completely and by not allowing me to care for her. I stare at the stairs that lead up to her bedroom one last time before waltzing out the door while I still have my pride. Besides, what's the use in loving someone who will never love you back?

**A/N: WOW sorry that took so long! i didnt think this chapter would be so long and everything! But how did u like? i didnt know about this chapter, i did know if i should keep it or not cause i feel like you should know what chris is thinking about Amber, and Sam, and in Miranda's point of view everythings kind of foggy, but in Chris's its perfectly clear, and i also think its important that you know that Chris's broken heart about Miranda starts here, because in the future it is key. please Review! thanks for reading all of you! hope you are having a good summer! ;)**


	14. Ambers Behaviors

14.

The weekend went by normally; I didn't hear or see much of anybody. I saw the kids from the orphanage of course, but they don't matter all that much. In fact ever since Chris came along their words dont sting as much. I'm not sure what Chris said to Ms. Sarah, but she knows _something _happened. She's been keeping a close eye on me, but other than that she hasn't said anything to me, so I am praying she doesn't know otherwise I can expect a visit from the therapist, which trust me isn't a good thing.

When Monday rolls around everything is normal, other then the ache in my shoulder and puffiness under my shirt where my bandage is. Sam doesn't come to school which is a blessing, so I am feeling pretty good. Or so I think it is until I see Chris taking off his lunch tutoring to hang out with Amber. I am 'talking' with Cameron heading to lunch when we turn the corner and see Chris and Amber talking and eating lunch leaning against the lockers in front of the cafeteria.

"I suppose…" The rest of my sentence dies in my throat and my foot steps slow until there is none. I want to look away but for some reason I like to torture myself and my eyes swallow the scene without even chewing it so it hurts as it goes down.

"That's what I am saying! And she's all crazy about having her parents not getting her a car! She's just a spoiled brat. Why'd you stop walking?" She waves her hand in front of my face, and then follows my stare. Amber is crawling on top of Chris, trying to take advantage of him sexually, but Chris just smiles and pushes her away from him, planting a kiss on her cheek. It is such a gentle, cute and kind gesture, so why do I feel so sick to my stomach? I bite my lip and close my eyes to take a deep breath. Chris never took off a lunch to just hang out with me; we always did work during our lunches together. He and I always were very close, so why do I feel like I'm in a completely different universe as him all of a sudden? Can't he see that Amber is just doing this because I, being her enemy, can't possibly have a good relationship with a hot guy? I know if their relationship continues Chris wouldn't be able to talk to both of us anymore. For how is Chris supposed to still be best friends with his girlfriend's enemy? Didn't guys always choose their girlfriends over their other friends that are girls? I feel like all of my worst nightmares are coming true. What happened to my sweet, loveable dreams, where I might not have had perfection, but I had, something that it seems like everyone else deserves to have, happiness? My heart feels like it has been dropped from somewhere high, only to be crushed on the cement below. I tell myself over and over again that Chris doesn't like me that way, but saying is different then believing. Now I am starting to believe. I open my eyes to see Amber feeding Chris, I mean I suppose she has nothing better to do since she isn't eating anything. Suddenly I don't feel like eating anything either.

Cameron puts her arm around me, but I pull away. I hate being touched, the only person who I liked being touched by was Chris, but obviously that's never going to happen again. "Hey come on, let's go eat lunch." Cameron gently says, as if she could push me over just by blowing on me. For the first time ever, Cameron doesn't annoy me; she honestly is just trying to make me feel better. I give her the best smile I can muster, although I know I fail miserably, just like my life. I shake my head.

"Nah, I'm good." I say and turn around to leave, I don't want Chris seeing me, I'm not sure why, I just want to get out of here. I briskly walk, with my head low. I know you are never supposed to look back, but I can't help myself. My head turns the slightest bit so I can see. Chris is looking at Amber, gabbing away, but Amber isn't even listening. Nope, she's looking right at me, with a little quirk on her face and sparkle in her eye. She mouths a word to me, I can barely make it out, but I somehow do. _Goodbye_. My heart turns into a cold hard fist despite the fact that anger is making burning its way through my flesh. I whirl around the corner and lean against the wall, hidden from view. I hug my chest, trying to fight past the pain that has inflicted itself on my heart. Chris, the last person I believe in, the only person I had as a real true friend, Chris my first and only love, gone. Whisked away by that very monster that seemed to fill my life with more doubt than humanly possible.

_Come on Miranda, you've dealt with worst pain than this._ But had I really? At this point I would rather torture then feel what's going on the inside. I couldn't put a bandage my heart, not when Chris was that bandage. This has been the only pain that I haven't welcomed in a long time. It feels like someone is ripping and shredding me up inside. I hear raspy short breaths, and after a while I realize its me. I feel as though someone has taken all my air, and it's all I can do to keep breathing. Whoever said you can't die from a broken heart is horribly mistaken.

The searing image of Chris and Amber kissing enters my mind. Chris's soft, smooth lips pressed up against Ambers artificially colored, puffy ones. If it is possible, which I'm not too sure it is, my heart burns even more, then suddenly everything turns cold. I am left with an eerie numbness, and a hallow spot, right where my heart should be. I stand against the wall, a creepy broken smile snaking its way on my lips. I stand like that, smiling, eyes lost just like my soul, and when the halls start clogging up with people, I touch the floor with a crazy grace as I make my way to class. When I go to work, the same unholy smile still plasters my face, and when I get my pay check for last weeks earnings, I still feel as lost and crazed as I had earlier today. I know I probably shouldn't, but after work I walk to the ATM, exchange the check for cash, and wander my way to Chris's apartment and slip the money under his door. I skip all the way to the orphanage, in the dark, where anyone could grab me and kill me. At this point, the thought just buzzed in and out of my head with a happy glow around it. Is it weird that, that thought makes me absurdly happy? The brisk November air leaves me cold and numb, and it is hard to tell if I even exist, because I feel the same on the inside and outside. When I arrive at the orphanage Ms. Sarah yells at me for being so late, but I just smile and look around as if I can't hear her. Finally I am told to go up to my room and I do so and sit on my bed, swinging my legs, as though I am the happiest girl alive. You and I both know better. When the clock strikes three, the darkness finally encases me in its, numb, lonely arms.

Oo00ooo

When I wake up, the moon is still up, and dawn is barely casting its bright shadow across the world. Five am, great another hour until I need to get ready and only two hours of sleep. Ugh, now I'm going to be tired for my history test and I might be too tired to tutor Chris.

All of a sudden, the events from yesterday come rushing back, so fast it makes my head pound. That hallow thing in the middle of my chest? Yeah it turns out it isn't so hallow, because with every memory of Chris comes another sting, another ache, another stab to the heart, until finally it all melts together into a fist of shame and despair. I bring my hands up to my face trying to hold in all of the sorrow. However, when my hands reach my face, I am shocked to find my cheeks already slick with tears. The more I want to stop crying like a pathetic baby, the more the tears seem to fall. I know what to do to stop it. Before I even know what I am doing, I am in and out of the bathroom with a razor in my hand. I crawl back into bed, only to make a deep thin cut across my wrist. I know how to miss the vein, I consider myself an expert, it seems like the only thing I can do right is hurt myself. No wonder why Chris never loved me the way I love him, I can't blame him, for how can I expect someone else to love me when I don't even love myself?

The agony in my chest is momentarily forgotten as the blade tares through my skin, instantly causing it to sting. The razor cut is nothing compared to the blade in my heart, so for an instant, I feel relief. The tears dry on my face leaving it feeling stiff. I watch as the blood dribbles down my arm, only to finally splash onto my comforter. I quickly dab at the blood, not wanting to leave any proof other then the scar on my wrist. Too soon the sting subsides and all is left is the horrible torment. I clutch onto my night shirt and pull on it, trying to tear it apart…trying to rip myself apart. I lean over so my face is in my comforter and I let out a scream, trying to release some of the anger and strain, but it is useless, nothing can rescue me from this torture.

Finally I give up; I hide the razor in my drawer, knowing I am going to use it later. I mop up my blood and throw away the evidence. Just as soon as I finish there is a knock on my door.

\ "Miranda, honey, time to get up! Come on, god has given you another gift of another day." Ms. Sarah's sweet as a cupcakes voice, seeps from the crack underneath the door. I hear footsteps moving away from the door and again anger boils to the surface. Another gift my ass.

"Hey god, if you really want to give me a gift, why don't you give me the present of death?" I say nonchalantly to the empty ceiling. I smirk to myself when there is no response, that's what I thought. Who knew that after so many years of praying, the result is this miserable excuse for a life? I get on my clothes, a pair of too-big jeans and a blue zip-down sweatshirt. I take precautions and put makeup over my fresh cut, making it sting again. I look into the mirror on my far wall as a cruel grin steals my lips and my bed-head hair gives me a look of craziness. My eyes are bloodshot, and lips are chapped. I could pass as a mentally ill person, and well, I am kind of mentally ill. To myself I look possessed, to the rest of the student body I will probably look like I'm having a bad day, and to Chris I will probably look mournful. So I brush my hair, put on some chap stick, and slap my cheeks to put some color in them. Now I just look helplessly tired, the other students wouldn't give a second thought about it, and Chris…well I'll just stay away from Chris. _Stay away from Chris, its better that you forget about him and stick to your original plan of sticking to yourself, not letting anyone close. It is for the best._ How is it possible for the best to make me feel like the worst?

Oooo00000ooo

I hear the bell ringing, making me nearly jump out of my seat. What the hell? Hadn't class just started? I look down at my notes only to find an elaborate drawing of Miranda. The drawings eyes look exactly like Miranda's even down to that sad look that seemed to always be present, hovering around the pupils. The details of each hair follicle gently curving down and ending right at the tip of her breasts amaze me, as I gently finger the parted lips of the drawing. Even the curve of the woman's neck in the picture mimics Miranda's. I beam despite myself and trace the outline of the face, the cheekbones, and the slight bend of the nose. When did I draw this! I don't remember anything of it. I sigh and quickly snap my binder closed before anyone could see. I already have a girlfriend, a very pretty one at that, and my thoughts still seem to fall back onto the same subject of Miranda. I mean I need to just like Amber and Amber alone, I can't let my heart wander wherever it wanted to. I am only going out with Amber to get my mind off of Miranda, and yet Miranda is on my mind more than ever (which is pretty impressive let me tell you).

But damn I miss her so much! I haven't talked to Miranda in over a week, and when I catch a glimpse of her, she sneakily snakes out of my way and ducks behind a corner so I can't even look at her anymore! At least during wellness, math and science I can watch her all I want and she can't get run away. Still, I want to know why she is avoiding me, and every time I get close enough to interrogate her, Amber somehow gets in my way so I have to look over her head and watch as Miranda scurries away. I also am not so sure if Amber is the best person to use to get over Miranda. Like seriously all this girl wants to do is get inside my pants, and every single time I see her, I usually can only make out a single phrase before her lips are on mine. It is actually getting quite annoying and I often found myself often trying to avoid her.

I stand up and quickly sweep everything off my desk into my backpack before throwing the slim bag over my shoulder. I sigh and drag my feet to the door, only to get slapped on the back by Dan, one of the people from Amber's circle. "Hey man! A couple of the bro's and I are going to skip class and chill at the back of the school. Would you like to join?" Chill, . smoke some pot and weed, possibly get a little drunk, before wandering back into school again an hour later. A tight smile raises my mouth.

"No thanks, I need all of the review I can get." I say, glancing down the hallway, wanting to get away from him. Not that I don't like Dan, it's just he reminds myself too much like the old me, and honestly it makes me a little nervous. Dan gives me a punch on the arm, but it's a little too hard to be playful. I resist the urge to rub my shoulder.

"Oh come on! I hear Amber really wants to see you…I also hear you two are going to put on a show." Umm, eww? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I give Dan a cold glance that would even make the old me proud.

"Yeah, you can count me out on that one." I start to walk away before Dan can say anything else. I think I am safe from the 'chilling' until during the middle of the class someone pokes me on the back. I turn around to face them; it turns out to be Greg, a dorky kid, who is pointing to the back window. And there in all of her glory is Amber, and that's not even the best part. Not. Once Amber see's that she has my attention, she gives me a seductive look and sexually rubs her hand in between her legs. In front of the whole freaking class. Thank god the teacher doesn't see, for he is too busy on the white

board, solving a math problem. I feel myself blushing madly, wanting the embarrassment of Amber to end. But it doesn't. It gets worse. Amber fogs up the glass with her breath and writes in the foggy part I need you NOW. I gulp, give her a nod, praying she will go away, and watch as she blows me a kiss and skips on her marry way.

Everybody's eyes are on me, but my eyes only fall on one person. Miranda. Her eyes widen for a moment when she realizes that my gaze has fallen on her, and for a second she holds my stare, neither one of us able to break the magnetic force between us. For a second I get a taste of the pain and misery swirling in her eyes, before she looks away back at her paper, with cheeks blushing furiously. I can't be comforted by her anymore because by then a curtain of hair blocks my view. I watch Miranda the whole time, even as I raise my hand, it's awkward because she is behind me (my last name starts with an F hers with a J), but that doesn't stop me.

"Chris what is your question?" My math teacher sighs, the annoyance and tiredness shining in his eyes. My eyes only flicker to him once, then go back to Miranda.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I ask, assuring myself that I won't be more than a couple minutes with dealing with Amber. In all honesty I don't want to be dealing with Amber, I want to be dealing with Miranda, at least she's worth it.

"Make it quick." Mr. Smith grunts and goes back to the board. I watch Miranda as her eyes raise to meet mine again. It's like her eyes are pleading me not to go, pleading me to stay, here, with her. I wish it is her that I am leaving to go find. However, I can't stay here, in this constant place of torment, of always having to stop myself before touching her or kissing her. I can't live with loving her forever and then later in life watching as she falls in love with some other guy. I need to save myself before I can't save anyone anymore. I give her an apologetic look and do something that I never thought I would do.

I leave her alone in a time of need.

I storm out of the room and sneakily exit out the back door. Not that it's hard to, everyone is in their classes and the teachers aren't exactly smart when it comes to these things. I stomp into the 'hangout' place, and try to ignore the smell of weed and smoke. Amber is there, dangling a cigarette between her finger tips. I make a disgusted face, I never liked the idea of smoking, and it made you smell gross, besides all of the chemicals that go into the actual cigarette. I crinkle my nose a little before glaring at her little happy face. Because of her I had to leave Miranda behind.

"What the hell was that?" I nearly yell. Amber takes a drag on her cigarette before smiling at me, smoke coming out from in between her teeth. She looks like a demon, an over glamorized demon.

"What ever do you mean?" She places her cigarette between her teeth, and 'fixes' her bra, making her boobs spill out from her shirt. My eyes dart away from her cleavage; it disturbs me that she just throws around her private parts like everyone wants to see. I cross my arms.

"What do I mean? I mean that you just tried to seduce me in front of the whole class. You embarrassed me in front of my classmates, friends, and Miranda!" Ooops, I didn't mean the Miranda piece to slip out. That was a mistake, but I cant reverse the past, and Amber needs to know she just cant do that in front of everyone. Amber frowns, rolls her eyes, and takes one last drag before putting out the cigarette. She stands up and puts her hands on her hips.

"Okay first of all, you're classmates loved that. Second of all, why does Miranda," Amber spits out her name like it left a bad taste in her mouth, "get her own category!" Amber walks up to me and gets in my face. Out of the corner of my eye I see Dan and the other kids stand up and slowly close in around me. Amber's lips are centimeters from mine. She harshly grabs my shirt and tightly grabs at my hair. "Let me remind you that I am your girlfriend not that…that tamp! I can make you feel things she can never make you feel." I am about to ask her what she means by this, but then she yanks my hair back so my face is facing the sky. She rubs her hand under my shirt over my chest and bites my bottom lip. Trying to seduce me once again. I push her off of me and scowl at her.

"I need to get back to class." I say and walk away, annoyed knowing that nothing got through to her other then the Miranda snip it. I walk into school and rub down my clothes and hair. Before the doors swing close I hear Amber say something that makes my blood boil.

"I told you we would give you a show."


	15. Ms Sarahs Ugly Plan

15.

Now I am not a big fan of Twilight, but I do have to give Bella some credit when she went through all of those months feeling nothing. Honestly I have no idea how she did it, because the way I feel is so much worse. Most of the time I feel like I've been crushed, other days I feel anger, every now and again I feel useless and hopeless, and some times I feel down right insane. I've been avoiding Chris, because every time I see him I feel like my heart has been blown up into tiny little pieces and every single time I feel the fatal blow.

That is how I lived a month of my life. I still pretended that I was okay though; every day I would go to school, go to work and then bring the money that I earned to Chris's to help him pay his rent. I would talk to Cameron, Chelsea, Ron, John, Dawn, and Sam even apologized to me and asked if we could start over. I agreed of course, I mean I am only here for others disposal right? Chris used me and disposed of me just like all of the others, confirming my fears. My shoulder is fine, for a moment I had thought it got an infection, but it had faded just as it appeared.

Amber gave me haughty, all knowing looks, just as Chris gave me sympathetic and apologetic looks everyday. Chris always tried to talk to me, but something always got in the way. I feel worse then I did before Chris came, and I am completely insane because I don't regret Chris coming back. In fact even though seeing him everyday kills me, it also brings me to life, leaving me in constant battle with myself.

Also, as if Sam isn't enough, there's a new kid in school. Chris is old news and the new news seems to rotate around the new kid, _Danny_. He's a classic bad boy, he drives a motorcycle, wears the dark clothing and leather jackets, skips class and wears the sunglasses. Nope you heard me right, THE sunglasses. You know, the sunglasses that the bad guy wears and when they slip the sunglasses down far enough so you can just barely make out their eyes, it is supposed to seem seductive or whatever. Well as you can imagine when this boy came up to me on the first day trying to woo me, my reaction was not satisfactory for him. He has been pursuing me ever since. I have to hand it to him though, he does a pretty good job at it. Just the other day he came up to me and bumped into me, causing the cliché moment of me dropping my text book. But before I can pick it up he bends over, hands it to me, says he's sorry, slides down the sunglasses, winks and strides away with his train of wanna be's.

Later that day when I was doing my homework from that very text book, I lift the book to close it, and what do I find? A note.

I was so enchanted by your beauty, I accidentally ran into you back there. It took me a while to find you, 16 years of my life in fact (soon to be 17!) just to find you, the woman of my dreams. I was just wondering if you believed in love at first sight, cause if not I'll have to bump into you again. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from all the way across the room! Anyway, party on Friday December 10th, No parents, No party crashers, all you have to bring is no rejection. Its up to you, 7:00 55th avenue.

It was one hell of a way to invite someone to a party. Unfortunately, I don't know what to think about him. He has a dark and serious side, but also a sensitive side. He's nice and strolls around with confidence.

Kinda like Chris.

Anyway Danny is something else on my radar all together. He's hard to place really. Well let me catch you up to current time. December 8th 5:30 am.

Yes, I wake up at 5:30, starving, and completely drained of energy. I know, why not go back to bed? Well if you can recall, I would do that but lately I have an incapacity to sleep. So what do I do? I go downstairs to grab some food before breakfast, but right as I am about to walk into the dinning room I hear Ms. Sarah's voice.

"Yes…I know. Listen I'm just saying you should make room for her…are you kidding me? How many times do I have to tell you? She's in love with you." Just Ms. Sarah talking to one of her little friends, going through some _romantic_ issues. I don't feel like interrupting so I turn to leave. "Chris Mayson… Fine _Fidelity._" Or maybe not. I creep closer to hear better. "I do not want to hear it! You two grew up together! She loved you then and she loves you now more than ever, you cant just leave her stranded alone, she's dying! The worst part is that you're not here to save her…well I haven't heard her say it, but that's besides the point! I can tell…you're wrong I hope you know…well just take her out this Friday…Ughh, then do it sometime _soon_ okay? Okay, have a good day Chris. Bye!" I hear Ms. Sarah hang up the phone, but I stand there registering everything. How did Ms. Sarah know I love him? Okay she's been saying that for a while…but still why tell Chris? I mean sure, she's told me that he loves me, but I never believed her, or at least tried not to believe her. I didn't think she told Chris about me! What does Chris think? But more importantly why should I even care? Chris has a girlfriend, he doesn't think of me like that. My shoulders slouch and I take a step to leave_. _

"Miranda? Oh Miranda come here! I want to talk about some Friday plans." Well crap. I wince and slowly turn towards her. I plaster on a smile, but I'm pretty sure my eyes tell a different story. Not that Ms. Sarah ever looked at me close enough to tell. I hear my footsteps echo off the empty dinning room as I enter, Ms. Sarah is lightly tapping her fingers on the table. I gingerly sit down and stare at Ms. Sarah, wondering what she has in mind.

"This Friday we are going to The Hut." She smiles as if it is the greatest place in the world. I let out a sigh. What is she trying to accomplish?

"Ehh that's ok I should probably…study on Friday." I grimace at the lie, it is rather pathetic. Come on Miranda, what happened to your sly charm? I begin to stand up to leave, but she bites her lip and smiles at me while she gently pulls me back down into the chair.

"Or you could win back Chris's heart." Ms. Sarah can't hold it in any longer, she lets out a stream of hysterical giggles. I scowl darkly at her, where does she get these stupid ideas? However her reaction to my expression is not satisfying. Instead of backing down like she normally does, she only laughs harder causing tears to roll down her full rosy cheeks. She resolves herself just as quickly as she lost control. She wipes away her tears and clears her throat. "You can't expect me to fall for that face. You only make that face when I've touched on a delicate subject. Just say that you love him so I can help you, I'm not going to give up until you do first." She narrows her eyes at me and leans across the table, telling me she's in charge with her body language.

What does she mean? She can't read me! How does she know what I want? No what I need? Does she think she's cool or something? I sink deep into my chair, and I hide my face. All of a sudden, I blurt out my answer. Maybe it is because she finally annoyed me enough to crack me, or the idea that she would keep torturing me until she got the answer. Or maybe it is love that makes the craziest ideas blossom, blinding all insight. Either way my answer falls out of my mouth like a loose cannon. "Fine, you win. I love Chris. What are you supposed to do about it?" I look up at her, tears threatening to fall. She couldn't make Chris go out with me, and even if she could force him to, I wouldn't want her to. I wanted Chris to like me by himself, which is so completely and totally ridiculous; I have already given up on that idea. However, no matter how hard I try, I still can't give up on the idea of Chris. Just his name makes my heart pick up speed and excitement squirms through my veins. He is like this burning, a constant burning, of wanting something more than me. Chris, and just like that, a tingle springs up my back, thinking of all of our memories together. Snuggling together while we sleep, brushing fingers and shoulders, bare skin touching, warm breath by my ear with every whisper, gentle loving taps on my nose, rubbing my back when I'm upset, always the one to put up a fight for me, the embraces we've shared, things that jump start my heart that begin with a single thought, and end with racing daydreams.

Ms. Sarah's eyes widen for a moment at my confession, but she seems to be very pleased with herself. "I knew it! I told you so! The best part! I'm right about you which means that I am also right about Chris. Chris loves you too Miranda, don't worry, this Friday I'll prove it to you." Ms. Sarah announces and claps her hands happily.

"Oh? And how are you going to do that?" I nearly spit, and glare at Ms. Sarah some more. Ms. Sarah smiles wickedly at me.

"You want to get that slut out of Chris's life? Well I have the plan to do it!" Ms. Sarah begins to whisper in my ear, and a smile begins to curl on my lips.

Ooo000000oo

"Shut up Amber! I told you for the hundredth time, I don't have the money!" I clench my hand into a fist keeping me from doing anything rash. I'm not sure who is leaving me the extra money at the end of the week, but without the mysterious donor, I'd barely have enough money for food. Amber comes up behind me and flicks my shoulder.

"So you have enough money to take Miranda out to dinner, but don't have enough money to get me a bracelet from tiffany's? For my birthday?" Amber punches my back with her own fist. She's so weak it doesn't hurt at all. I spin around from the dinner I am making for her in my apartments kitchen.

"What the hell are you talking about! I haven't spoken to Miranda in weeks!" I slam my hand on the counter behind me, and flinch when I hear the wood crack a bit. Amber crosses her arms across her chest and clenches her teeth while pouting her lips. I wish I could take a picture of her expression and give it to her; I'm pretty sure if she saw what she looked like she would never make this expression again.

"Yes well a month ago or so, you went out with her, didn't you! People saw you there, and of course they saw her as well. She stops traffic you know? Anyway you two were acting so immature, I almost wrote you off the second I heard of you." I am beginning to wish she had written me off.

"Yes well first of all, we did go out to dinner together for pizza. By the way that cost about six dollars at the most, and it wasn't even my money, it was Ms. Sarah's. Second of all, you either get a Christmas present or a Birthday present. The dates are too close there is no way for me to get enough money in the next three weeks for and expensive present on the 23rd and on the 25th. Third of all I thought you didn't discriminate others because of your own situation!" I bite my tongue to calm me down, but when confusion leaks across her features it takes all I have to lash out at her.

"Huh?" Her eye brows scrunch up funny. I look at her like she's a baby who doesn't know anything.

"Your mom working at a strip club? She brings home a new man every night? Don't know how to be anything but a slut? Ring any bells?" She coaxes her head and looks at me like I'm crazy. Then her eyes widen so big, I swear she looks like a fly.

"Oh yeah…well this is different."

"How? In what universe is it different?" I close my eyes and let out a deep breath. I turn away from her and go back to making dinner before it burns and she makes me throw out the whole pot of preciously good food. I wince when Amber responds, there's only so much of Amber that a person can handle.

"That is besides the point. I know you may have been friends with her in the past, but I don't want to see anymore of her in your future." I feel the air change in the room. Before the feeling in the room used to be anger, now its haughtiness, jealousy and tension. I go frigid while stirring the spaghetti.

"Who are you talking about?" My voice is calm and smooth but I can hear the falseness of it.

"Oh shut up, you know exactly who I am talking about! Miranda Jefferson, the damndest ugliest girl in the whole school." Amber flips her hair over her shoulder and picks at her nails. Before I can help myself I start to laugh. Amber's eyes flare with hatred. "What the fuck are you laughing about?" She shouts. I hold my hands up showing I mean no harm.

"I just find it funny how you think Miranda is ugly when she does absolutely nothing to enhance her looks, compared to your friends who coat themselves in make-up, straighten their hair everyday and have special acne cream and hair products. I hate to tell you the truth, but they are still not very attractive after all that."

"And you think Miranda is?" Amber stands up and puts her hands on her hips. I look into her eyes but all I find is snootiness, and jealousy. I guess I am wrong after all of my reasoning, she still is an empty materialistic doll, who does whatever society wants them to do.

"Yes, actually I do." I say and begin to stir my spaghetti again. I carefully take out a noodle and taste it. The noodle is soft, but not too soft; it squirms a little bit in my mouth as I turn it over with my tongue. Perfect. I take the pot off the stove and drain it into the sifter. Amber stays quiet for a long time before she finally speaks again.

"So what are we doing this Friday?" Amber asks, I feel her eyes burning holes into my back. I let out a sigh.

"I was thinking that we could go to The Hut." I say forcing the tension and strain out of me. I shake the sifter watching the steam rising from the spaghetti. Amber makes a disgusted noise.

"But that's a cheapo place." She wines. I turn around and scowl at her.

"Be happy that I'm allowing you to even be here. It's my first sick day because I am so exhausted, and you show up here and force me to make you dinner. I am not in a very good mood, as you can understand. I do not have enough money to bring you somewhere expensive. I do not have the money to get you expensive things. Bring your friends to the restaurant and maybe you can have fun with them instead of worrying about the money involved." I raise my eye brows at her, silently questioning if she really wanted to continue this argument. Amber rolls her eyes and takes out her cell phone and begins to madly text people. I roll my eyes as well and begin to take out the clean plates out of the sink. God I wish Miranda was here instead of…well _Amber._

Ooo000ooooo

Friday comes before I can blink my eyes. And as sit with Ms. Sarah in her car in front of The Hut, I kind of wish I was doing homework at the orphanage. I mean her plan was, no _is_ pretty devious but now that I think about it, there are many flaws with the plan. How is Chris going to go through the whole dinner without noticing his waitress is Ms. Sarah? I glance at Ms. Sarah out of the corner of my eye. She is wearing her best friends uniform, name tag and all, who just so happens to work here. It's a win win for all of us, Ms. Sarah's best friend gets to take the day off while still getting paid, and we get to plot the down fall of Chris's and the devils relationship.

Ms. Sarah looks horrible, which is so ridiculously cool. It's amazing seeing Ms. Sarah not completely perfect for once. She is wearing a red wig that is extremely puffy and short. She used make up to bring out her wrinkles more so she looks about ten years older. She bought a fake mole and it looked crazily real. She even bought colored contacts so her normally green eyes turned a cloudy grey. If I didn't know better I would think she was a normal ugly waitress named Patricia.

Ms. Sarah leans back and puts her make up in her purse. "Ready for this?" She says in a raggedy deep voice which is her 'Patricia' voice. She smiles at me, her bright red lipstick smudges against her teeth. I glance at myself in the mirror. My black wig's bangs almost completely cover my eyes which are smeared with black eyeliner and mascara. I wear Ms. Sarah's black combat boots which are a little tight, and her black tights with black jean shorts. I wear her old boyfriends black zip up sweat shirts which hangs just above the bottom of my shorts and a red shirt flashes from underneath all the dark fabric. Ms. Sarah painted my nails black last night to complete the gothic chic look. I looked pretty dark and mysterious I had to admit. I smile at my reflection.

"Ready as I'll ever be." I say in a papery thin voice, coated with a piece of darkness.

**A/N: Sorry that took so long...major writters block, and I've been really busy with school starting up and summer vacations coming to a close! i've had little to no time to write lately but i promise i'll try harder! I hope you enjoyed sorry again! **


	16. The Girl With The Turquoise Eyes

16.

"Luv ya bitch!" One of Amber's friends, Jasmine, calls, as she runs ahead of Amber. Ok fine, she doesn't run she stomps her feet making her boobs bounce. Amber reaches out to grab her hand and strides along side her.

"Luv you too." Amber says, but I can hear in her voice she doesn't mean it all that much, she just says it to go along with it. Amber ended up inviting five of her friends, of which 3 of them have boyfriends who they brought along. I'm not a huge fan of any of them. Which kind of sucks because I have to hang out with them for my only night off. I stuff my hands into my pockets and scrunch my shoulders against the brisk December air. The sun set around four thirty, without the heat from the sun I could see my breath like smoke staining the air. Suddenly, I feel a smack on my back, it hurts for a second then gets devoured by the cold again. I glance over my shoulder to see what it was.

"Cold?" Lane asks. Lane is Jasmine's boyfriend, they match quite well. Jasmine's Hispanic background gives her out spoken pride and attitude; where as Lane's back sass quick wittedness makes them an unstoppable insulting, top of the world pair. A small smile etches its way across my lips, mostly because my chapped lips won't let me smile any larger.

"Just a tad." I say and try to huddle into my coat a little more. I pick up my pace, I can see the restaurants glowing sign not too far in the distance. I can't wait to be warm again.

The girls walk into the restaurant laughing as loudly as possible so all eyes are drawn to them. The restaurant isn't that crowded for a Friday night. In one of the front booths there is a gothic girl looking up at us behind turquoise eyes. She glares at Amber with brutal hatred, then her eyes flicker to me. She meets my gaze her eyes soften and she blushes before picking up her menu and begins to read it. She looks so familiar, I definitely know her from somewhere. I run through all of my classes but I know she isn't in any of them. Gosh this is going to piss me off.

"C bear lets go!" Amber takes my hand I look up from the girl only to find everyone else already ten steps ahead of us. Our table is in the back of the restaurant. Our waitress is…um… interesting. Amber had insulted her to her face and snickered about her after she left. The waitress is no looker, but Amber didn't have to be so mean to her, I'm sure the woman gets enough of that from herself. I would be sure to leave her a big tip.

Oo00ooo

My fake bangs are starting to annoy me to the point where I have tried to rip them off multiple times. They get into my eyes all the time and I can feel my eyelashes brush against them every time I blink. I pull at the wig frustrated, but it doesn't help. I sigh and give up. Automatically my eyes flicker over to Chris's table again, Amber laughs with her friends, only louder then necessary to make it seem like she is having more fun then the rest of us. This is kind of true considering there are two families, an old couple, a young couple, and a table of rowdy boys. Still, the boys might be having more fun then she is they seem pretty happy.

"Can I beat her up yet?" Ms. Sarah's voice blocks out most of Amber's laughter. I glance up and keep a stoic face, no dropping my act tonight.

"What did she do?" I ask staring at the pad of paper and pen in her apron. She finally gets what I am trying to tell her and whips them out as if she is taking my order.

"She asked if I was a waitress or if I was a monster coming to eat them, because if I am going to eat them the least I could do is take out her eyes so she wouldn't have to look at me anymore. She is such a bitch! Rude beyond belief. Why the hell is Chris going out with her?" Ms. Sarah massages the bridge of her nose and lets out a deep sigh.

"I don't know this plan better work." Ms. Sarah pretends to write something down.

"Trust me, now that I know she is exactly as you said she is this is going to be great." Ms. Sarah winks at me and strides away with a little too much confidence for her character. I take a sip of my water to wash down the nervousness that suddenly came. Only for the water to go down the wrong way and I end up having a cough attack. Chris looks up at me and whispers something to Amber. Amber looks up at me and snorts. Chris gives me a half smile, as if to reassure me what Amber is laughing about is nothing to worry about. Its ok, Amber is going to eat the tracer pills crushed into her drink making her pee turn blue for the next 2-3 days. Don't worry it's harmless, only dye, but Amber will flip! She is going to be scared and tormented for the next 3 days, and lets face it, what's better then that? Besides, she won't even know it was me who did it. I smile at Chris extremely happy.

Ms. Sarah walks by again only this time with drinks on her tray, Amber ordered a cherry temple, so the liquid has a weird tint, but it's a good thing she didn't order sprite or water, then that side of the plan wouldn't have worked. Ms. Sarah sets down the drinks with an extra smile to Amber. To my pleasure Amber shudders. Ms. Sarah then takes their food orders where the real plan will unfold. I lick my lips and quickly take another sip of water. I hate the taste of lipstick, especially black licorice lipstick.

Oooo0000oooo

I hear hacking coughs coming from somewhere in the restaurant. I eagerly pull myself away from Amber's gossip circle and look around to find the source to make sure no one is choking. My eye's immediately fall to the gothic girl in the front of the restaurant. Maybe it's because we are sitting directly across from each other, but I feel like when ever I look up my eyes are drawn to her. I know her from somewhere, its like there's some bond between us or something.

The girl is the one coughing, and she stops coughing enough to meet my gaze, only to suck in a breath and begin coughing all over again. I tap Amber on the shoulder to get her attention.

"Say, does that girl look familiar?" I whisper to Amber. Amber finds who I am talking about easily. The one thing Amber is good at is picking people out of the crowd. Amber lets out a loud snort and begins to laugh.

"I wish she did, because it would be so much fun to mess with her!" Amber wipes an invisible tear from her cheek. The girl looks up with determination in her eyes as she smiles the most brilliant smile I've ever seen a girl wear. I am amazed, and struck speechless, Amber's laughter and her snooty friends are only a dull roar. I am surprised, this smile could almost beat Miranda's half cracked smiles. I hear a clank come in front of me forcing me to tare my eyes away from the mysterious girl.

"Thank you." I say being polite, but Amber stomps on my foot under the table with her fucking high heel and almost snapped my big toe. I let out a grunt and glare at Amber with all of my hatred. She returns my glare with an innocent smile. I almost rip her head off. The waitress places down Amber's drink and gives her an extra smile. To my pleasure Amber shudders, the bitch deserves it. The waitress begins to take our orders, Amber gets an appetizer (she has this thing where she doesn't like to eat in public) and I get a hamburger. As soon as the waitress leaves Amber rolls her eyes and begins to talk about the waitress behind her back. I sigh as my eyes roam the restaurant. Once again my gaze falls onto that girl.

"Be right back." I say but I know no one cares enough to listen, so it really doesn't make a difference. I stand up and walk powerfully to the girl's table. As I grow closer I hear her singing Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. Is it just coincidence that, that song is Miranda's and mine's song? Her voice also strikes a cord in me, where have I heard her voice before? Is she a famous singer or something? Is that how I recognize her? I take the seat directly across from her at her table.

"Hi." I say. The girl jumps in her seat and gasps when she see's me. "Sorry to frighten you, but I couldn't help but notice… do I know you from somewhere?" I ask. The girl puts on a slight grin, and shakes her head no.

"I can't say I've seen you around." Her voice is soft and sweet with a vague accent that I can't place, but there still is a familiarity with it. I raise an eye brow at her.

"You sure? You just seem so familiar. It's like I know you or something." The girl nervously giggles and licks her black lips.

"I assure you, you don't. I would remember someone like you." She says with her ever so delicate voice, one that you wouldn't expect from her character. I let out half a chuckle and shake my head.

"Well nice to meet you…"

"Fedelity." That catches me off guard, how did she know my last name? But the girl just takes a sip of her water, acting as if nothing had happened. I let out a breath and rub the bridge of my nose, this is all so weird. I reach across the table and shake hands with her. Her hands are soft and warm, despite her black nail polish.

"Nice to meet you Fedelity. I'm Chris."

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Chris." She pulls her hand away and her eyes drop to the table as if she has had enough. I wouldn't blame her, I probably just creeped her out on so many levels.

"I'll see you around?" The girl meets my eyes for a few seconds. God those eyes, they are so breath taking, and I felt like I could read them so well, even though I've just met the girl.

"Yeah I guess so." She tucks her raven black hair behind her ear.

"Bye until next time. By the way, you shouldn't wear all of that makeup, it hides your beauty." I give her a sincere smile before trotting away.

Oooo0000oooo

Ok so I flirted, and I forgot about the papery thin voice I was supposed to use, but I couldn't help it! Chris caught me completely off guard, I couldn't even remember the fake name I thought up for myself. Did it really matter? I don't think so because Chris flirted back, _and_ he called me pretty despite this disguise. Which means he thinks I'm pretty normally! It is all I can do to keep from squealing.

What was that? Did I just hear that? Keep myself from 'squealing'? I must be hanging out with Ms. Sarah too much. I simmer myself down to my normal fuming, I take another sip of my water.

"I DO NOT CARE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Amber screams. I glance to see Amber standing, facing Chris, glaring daggers at him. Chris doesn't back down and glares right back at her. Although his glare isn't as girly, more like his glare is as cold as ice. I can tell that Amber is starting to waver at her stance. Amber angrily huffs and falls into her chair anger making her cheeks flush red. She turns to face me and gives the most disgusted, angry look she can muster. I narrow my eyes at her and give her a look of defiance. Chris lets out a breath and sits down next to Amber again. I notice how he sits as far away from her as possible without falling off the chair.

After about twenty minutes of spying on the couple, Ms. Sarah walks by with a tray full of food. I smirk at what's about to happen. Ms. Sarah stumbles along her way and gives everyone their food except for Amber.

"Umm, yeah, remember me? I got the smallest thing on the menu and yet I don't see it in front of me." Amber barks and motions to the empty place in front her.

"Your food is coming." Ms. Sarah curtly says and quickly stomps away from the table. Amber begins to whisper to her friends, but Chris isn't listening. Chris is watching me instead of participating in their gossip. Chris motions to them and rolls his eyes. I laugh and shrug my shoulders, hey I say he ditch them, but for some bizarre reason he decided to date one of them, so now he is stuck with all of them. Ms. Sarah comes back with Ambers food. Just before she sets it down, she 'sneezes' on the food. Amber lets out a shrill cry.

"Now look at what you've done you useless wrench! You've ruined my food and now I am going to be the last one eating. I thought ugly people were smart because they had to have one thing that makes them appealing, but not you. You're ugly _and_ stupid, so no one will ever love you. Not even your mother." Amber snarls. Ms. Sarah looks down at her shoes and turns tomato red.

"Amber you didn't need to take it that far. It was a mistake." Ms. Sarah looks at Chris with hope.

"Chris, you know its really funny, first you go and hang out with a random creepy girl, when you are supposed to be on a date with your _girlfriend_, and now you are standing up for a woman who needs to hear the truth." Amber snaps and stands up to look down at Chris. Chris stands up to be a full head taller than her.

"She made one freaking mistake. Its like if someone does one little thing that affects you in anyway you blame them for everything wrong on this planet; when really you should be blaming yourself because you are the cause of every one of your problems." Chris nearly shouts. Amber slaps Chris across the face, and spits at him. He wipes his cheek on his jacket gritting his teeth.

"Lets take this outside Chris." Amber says in an eerie calm voice. Chris takes a step backwards to let Amber pass. Once she does he follows and they go out the front exit. Ms. Sarah silently puts down Ambers plate of food and pretends to be ashamed as she goes into the kitchen.

That is exactly what I wanted to happen.

O000ooo000ooo

"Amber please understand that you cannot just make fun of everyone who isn't perfect. You also need to understand that no body is perfect so therefore everyone has their faults. You need to accept their faults."

"Chris she sneezed on _my_ food. She needs to know her place." Amber puts her hands on her hips. We went off to the side of the parking lot where it was empty except for a few vacant cars. I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Does she need to know her place or do you need to know your place?"

"What's that supposed to mean!" Amber gives me a disgusted look. It is one of her usual looks, her nose in the air, her top lip curling up enough to show her teeth, her tongue sticking out a tiny bit. It is so common from her, and yet its like I'm seeing her for the first time. She looks so ugly right now I wish I could punch her. Before I can stop myself I spit out what's on my mind.

"I think we should break up." This silences Amber, and for the first time she shows real emotion, not that fake show she puts on for everyone. I can tell she is trying to be strong, but I can also see the tears building up in her eyes.

"So you expect me to say screw you right? March away like I never cared about you. Or maybe I'll make out with you, maybe go even further to get you back? I've done that with every other break up I've ever had. So you would be right. But you're different Chris. You are the very first guy who I've gone out with who hasn't gotten me drunk just to fuck me, you're the very first one who hasn't even asked for it. You don't call me hot you call me pretty. You don't slap my butt as I walk with you, you hold my hand. I don't want to give that up Chris. I don't!" By this time, Amber has tears streaming down her face, and her bottom lip is trembling from her trying to hold it in. Finally she gives in and lets out a retching sob. It's so different from when Miranda used to cry. Miranda used to run and hide from everyone, and when I found her she would try to run away again, until I would force her to stay by holding her until she eventually gave up the fight and surrendered by clutching me close. Miranda was silent in her cries, and I could only tell she was crying by her shoulders falling and raising rapidly, and her ragged breaths. Later I would wipe the wet from her face and kiss her forehead and lead her to wherever we needed to go. Amber is a little different. She is just standing openly not even hiding her face and wails. Her face is red like a little girl throwing a tantrum.

"What don't you want to give up Amber? Me? Or how I treat you?" I say it softly as if the slightest pressure might make her crazed. Amber swallows her next sob and bites her lip.

"I don't know. All I know Chris, is that when I'm with you everything is different, you look at me like I am a human being and not some tramp. When I'm with you I'm suddenly happy inside." She says the last part slowly as if she is finding out the truth about herself for the first time. I am struck speechless. This is the last thing I imagined she would say; it is so against her character I almost want to…comfort her. It's one of the nicest things a girl has ever said to me (its kind of pathetic) but it's the truth. Maybe Amber is no Miranda, but maybe, just maybe we could make this work.

"But we fight all the time." I weakly manage.

"Its not you who fights all the time, its me. I was so scared of getting close to you, I pushed you away, but now I realize I want you here, with me. I'm sorry Chris for everything I've done. I wont blame you if you want to leave me, it wouldn't be the first." She looks down at her shoes and waits patiently for my answer. I take a step closer to her and pull her into a warm embrace. Maybe its because I am a sympathetic loser, or maybe its because finally Amber doesn't seem as inconsiderate as she used to, but I silently agree not to end our relationship just yet.

"I wont be leaving today I suppose." I say but my voice is muffled by her hair. She steps away from me, and that's when I notice a glob of spit in her hair that I somehow made. Uhh….hopefully she wont notice that.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you Chris!" She throws her arms around me and gives me a suffocating kiss before hopping away. "And to prove that I am worthy enough I am going to sing you a song during karaoke!" Amber claps her hands and wipes her eyes before running inside leaving me outside in the brisk air by myself. Why do I feel like I'm a father who just made a deal with their daughter? Either way Amber needs this right now, and whether I'm happy or not it sounds like she needs _me_ right now. I let out a sigh before marching inside before the cold swallows me whole.


	17. Whats Left Of Me

17.

Amber comes back inside with a chirpy little smile on her face and skips back to her table. Uh, either something good actually came of this or Amber is going completely mad. Chris comes in a few seconds later with his hands stuffed in his pockets and shoulders slumped against the cold. He meets my stare and gives me a tight smile and a slight shrug of the shoulders. I feel my face as well as my heart drop. I stare absently at the table. They had a huge fight, and they made up? Did they kiss? The thought makes me cringe as though it has burned me, and in a way it has.

Since when have they been so close?

I look up, but Chris is already gone, and all that is left is the burst of cold from the door that had swung closed a few moments ago.

Oooo000000ooooooo

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, as you all probably know its Friday at The Hut, which means Karaoke! If you would like to sign up call over your waiter and they with come with the sign up sheet and list of songs you can choose from." An African American woman with bright red lipstick stands at the stage watching us with bright shining eyes. I see Amber out of the corner of my eye start to wave her hands trying to call over our waitress who currently is not in the room. Well I might as well call over Ms. Sarah too, just to tell her that my life hasn't changed because of this delightful night and that I am taking a bus home while she wrapped up here. I wait politely until I see Ms. Sarah as she bustles out of the back room. I wait until we make eye contact before I simply pick up my hand then place it back on the table. She glances around, see's Amber and Chris sitting next to each other, with Amber frequently waving her hand trying to get Ms. Sarah's attention. Ms. Sarah waves her hand back showing that she'll be over in a minute. I see Ms. Sarah frown before she quickly walks over to me.

"Wanna fill me in?" She almost sits down, but then hastily stands up again remembering that she is a waitress and isn't supposed to know me.

"Well they went outside for about five to ten minutes then came back in. Amber looked dreadfully happy. Anyway this night has been a complete fail, if anything they are closer than they were an hour ago. I think I'm going to take the bus home, you're going to have to stay here until your shift is over." I clench my teeth, concealing my sudden burst of anger towards her. She thought of this whole thing, then forced me to come along, and now, after the damage has been done, we have only helped Chris's and Amber's relationship. All thanks to Ms. Sarah.

"Well that's foolish. You can't give up Miranda! Do you think that if you back out now that anything is going to change about them?"

"Well I don't know anything about changing their relationship, but if I don't back out now, I know something's going to change about your face-" Ms. Sarah ignores my threat and goes back to what she was saying.

"Listen why don't you enter the singing contest? You have an amazing voice, and it looks like Amber isn't going to hide her talent. Please, give this last night one last chance. If it doesn't work out then... you blame me and it's back to the drawing board. Please Miranda? Do you really want them to be together?" She motions to Amber and Chris. Amber laughs at something that Chris had said, and pecks him on the lips. I feel my face get hot, and hands get clammy as fire ignites in my heart. She quickly looks away and mumbles something that sounds like sorry.

"Fine give me a sign up sheet." I sigh, I can't stand of the thought of Amber winning, then giving a victory kiss to Chris, maybe even doing more to him than just kissing. Ms. Sarah gives me a brilliant smile and passes me a list of songs, a pen and a sheet.

"Call me over when you're done. Maybe if we're lucky Amber will make a complete fool of herself." Ms. Sarah gives me a wink, then hunches her shoulders a little, and walks timidly over to Amber's table as if she's really scared to go over and annoy Amber again, even though she's probably really excited.

I look at the sheet, which asks for my name, the song I will be singing, who my waitress is, and then there's a portion where they write down my number and how much money I earned. I carefully fill out Fedelity Harris, as my name then glance over the song sheet. I look for songs that describe my situation, songs that brought myself into it. I am finally caught between three choices, Nickleback's Lullaby, Bring Me to Life by Evanescence, and Away From the Sun by 3 Doors Down. Eventually I decide on Bring Me to Life, because I'd probably sing it the best and it also brings Chris into the song and since he makes up so much of my life, and I want him so badly, I need to include him. I glance over the sheet once more and wave my hand to Ms. Sarah. She raises her eyebrows, still waiting by Chris's table waiting for Amber to finish up. I look down at my finger nails, but then take a double take. Chris also has a pen in his hand and is scribbling on the sheet as well. I stare at Ms. Sarah openly, what is he doing! Finally Amber and Chris hand over their sheets, Chris looks a little disgruntled, but he still throws a half smile my way. Ms. Sarah takes off to my table the moment she has the sheets in her hands.

"Amber is doing I Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus." Ms. Sarah starts to talk before she even reaches my table, and once she gets there she rolls her eyes.

"Yes, yes that's great and everything but what about Chris? What is he doing?" I lean across the table eager for the answer. She smiled at me wickedly.

"Well you probably don't know the song, but I do, and I know its for you. Well actually its for Miranda." Her face lights up at this and she giggles to herself like a little girl.

"I'll be the one to determine if it's for me or not. You still haven't answered my question. What is he singing?"

"He's singing What's Left of Me by Nick Lachey. What are you going to be singing?" She snatches the paper from underneath my hand and frowns when she reads it. "I've heard of Evanescence, aren't they a depressing band?" She looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. I close my eyes so I don't have to see her pitying me. I feel my heart pick up, why does she do this? I am not some pity party! I'm not some horribly tragic orphan like Annie! Not really at least, because unlike her I don't want to be adopted, and the owner to my orphanage is the complete opposite to Annie's, no matter how much I wish she wasn't.

"Do you really care?" I snarl, I open my eyes to see her reaction. She hasn't budged like normal people would. She shakes her head and puts her hand on top of mine.

"More than you even acknowledge." She gives me one last saddening look before she stoops away, her head watching her feet. Normally she would have gotten comfort from some hot guy, ready to listen to her every need, but not tonight. No tonight she has to live and confide in herself with her own problem. For once she isn't the prettiest girl in the joint, and for once I feel confidence in myself.

After about ten minutes or so, the same African American comes back on stage. "Thank you to all of you brave souls, who are willing to sing in front of everyone in here. I certainly can't bring myself to do it! Anyway we have six contestants to entertain you all tonight. The order in which you will all be singing is: Gregory Sheilds, Hannah Burke, Evelyn Packermin, Chris Fedelity, Amber Bicchieri, and Fedelity Harris. Is Gregory with us at the moment?" There was movement from the side of the restaurant and the women looked relieved. "Well then I see no reason as to why we cannot start. Now remember you guys are the judges of this, so when you think that the singer is good there will be a collection basket going around and you can put your money in it. All the money will go to the winner in the end. The winner is determined by the money they earned. Good luck to all!" Gregory by this time was already on the stage, and the women passed the microphone to him. Gregory was a 30 year old with black hair and tan skin. I know if Ms. Sarah didn't have her disguise on he'd be all over her.

"Thanks umm…I'll be singing Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi." He said and moved over to the karaoke machine with the microphone. The music began to play, not extremely loud, but loud enough to hear. I was thankful when the song was over, Gregory was great looking but his voice was a little sketchy. He collected five dollars and twenty five cents. Hannah didn't do much better she got six dollars. Evelyn was better than Gregory and Hannah put together and got eleven dollars. Then Chris went up.

He takes a deep breath and says "I will be singing What's Left of Me by Nick Lachey." And takes his position behind the karaoke machine. I watch him wipe his sweaty hands on his pants and see him opening and closing his right hand. He is really cute when he's nervous. I smile to myself. The song started, the beginning just has a musical interlude, In which Chris looked around, made eye contact with Amber, but when he took in a deep breath he looked at me instead.

"Watched my life pass me by in the rearview mirror Pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer I don't wanna waste another day stuck in the shadow of my mistakes – yeah." His voice began airy and a little raspy, but then opened up. He doesn't have an amazing voice, but it isn't bad. The song is perfect for his vocals as well so he sounded better than he normally would. He keeps side glancing me, but I can't tell what he is thinking of, his face is so blank, it's like he's hiding something. Amber lets out a cheer from the back with all of her friends. Chris lets out a crack of a smile, but it's sort of like a grimace. I look at him with concern full in my features, and Chris narrows his eyes at me. I quickly get up and go to the bathroom so that he can't see me, I can't have him recognize me now. Once I am out of his eye sight however, I stop to listen to the rest of the song.

Ooo00ooo00o0oooooo00

I watch Fedelity get up and leave, as I begin the chorus. What has me so caught up on her? I don't understand, she looked extremely familiar when she was looking at me with worry like that. Almost like she could read me as well as I can read her.

"Cause I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin Like a hunger, like a burnin to find a place I've never been Now I'm broken, and I'm faded I'm half the man I thought I would be But you can have what's left of me." Miranda, if you can hear me right now, acknowledge that this is for you. Not Amber. I know it was a stupid idea for me to go out with Amber, but at the time it seemed like it was the only way I was going to get over you. As I sing this song though, thinking of all the daydreams and dreams that I've ever had of you, I realize there is no getting over you.

"I've been dying inside little by little Nowhere to go I'm goin outta my mind An endless circle runnin from myself until You gave me a reason for standing still." You are the only one that knows my story and no one will ever know it like you do. Everything you do I love. Even when you run away, and push people away from you, it upsets me when you do this but I don't mind, as long as you don't run away from me. Even though it seems like lately all you have been doing is running away. 

"And I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin Like a hunger, like a burnin to find the place I've never been Now I'm broken, and I'm faded I'm half the man I thought I would be But you can have what's left of me." Wait a second, what if you can hear me right now? What if I knew you were here all along? Are you Fedelity? That would explain so much! But then again, it sounds a little crazy… Please Miranda, if you are here show yourself. You need to understand. Please, I'm stuck with Amber, but know that every moment I spend with her I am thinking of you. When I kiss her, I kiss you. When she hugs me, it's you I breathe in. Every second I feel like I am cheating on you. I know it doesn't make sense, you probably don't think of me the same way, but this urge to touch you has never been so strong. I will literally die if you wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore if you found out, but I need to know. Know that for now and forever I will wait for you, and will always love you. I promise. 

"Fallin' faster barely breathing Give me somethin to believe in Tell me it's not all in my head." I need to know. Once I know, I don't care how much Amber needs me. I will end it in a second. I will do anything for you. I close my eyes, sending my silent prayer to anyone who will listen. Somewhere in the back of my head I hear Amber say "This is for me!" but she couldn't be more wrong. "Take what's left of this man Make me whole once again." Please Miranda please. I beg you. 

"Cause I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin Like a hunger, like a burnin to find the place I've never been Now I'm broken, and I'm faded I'm half the man I thought I would be You can have, all that's left, yeah, yeah, yeah what's left of me." Even though you deserve better, you're the only one for me. 

"I've been dying inside you see I'm goin outta my mind (outta my mind) I'm just runnin' in circles all the time." I don't know what to do anymore! All I know is that I want to be with you. All I know is even though I might have cut you deep with going out with Amber, I want you to know I don't love her, I don't even like her. I am going out with her to get you out of my mind, but instead I'm going out of my mind. 

"Will you take what's left? Will you take what's left? Will you take what's left of me? I'm just runnin' in circles in my mind Will you take what's left? Will you take what's left? Will you take what's left of me? Take what's left of me." When I finish the crowd claps with general approval, and Ambers table erupts in cheers. Amber runs on stage and gives me a hug. I barely hug her back before she shoves me off the stage. Vaguely I hear that I earned eight dollars but I don't really care. My stare is blank, and suddenly it is very clear in my mind- if I want to be with Miranda I have to get rid of Amber. Okay I know the answer is obvious! Its just when faced with the fact that Miranda might not love me back, it made me realize how scared I am of loosing her. I knew deep down inside I would never fall out of love with her, but if I fell in love with someone else, maybe the blow wouldn't be as hard. I sit down and watch as Fedelity stumbles back to her seat. Literally stumbles. She looks dumbstruck, confused, hurt, and love struck, all at the same time. I don't have much time to think about that because all of a sudden a pulsing song starts to play, overcrowding my thoughts. I missed Ambers introduction? When? My eyes snap to the stage so that Amber can't chew me out later for not paying attention.

"For those who don't know me, I can get a bit crazy Have to get my way, ya, 24 hours a day 'Cause I'm hot like that Every guy everywhere just gives me mad attention Like I'm under inspection, I always get the 10s 'Cause I'm built like that" Her voice isn't that good she just wails over the notes so it doesn't really sound bad, but it is not good. Trust me, it doesn't sound good. Well at least to me. 

"I go through guys like money flyin' out their hands They try to change me but they realize they can't And every tomorrow is a day I never planned If you're gonna be my man, understand." She sends a wink my way, I give her a thumbs up. When she looks away I shudder. 

"I can't be tamed, I can't be saved I can't be blamed, I can't, can't I can't be tamed, I can't be changed I can't be saved, I can't be (can't be) I can't be tamed." Funny I was hearing something else when we were outside a couple minutes ago. 

"If there is a question about my intentions I'll tell ya I'm not here to sell ya Or tell ya to go to hell (I'm not brat like that) I'm like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged If you can understand this, we can make some magic I'm wrong like that." She licks her lips and her mouth slightly open as she looks at me with seductive eyes. Feeling uncomfortable I pretend to drop something and I frantically bend over to pick it up. 

"I wanna fly I wanna drive I wanna go I wanna be a part of something I don't know And if you try to hold me back I might explode Baby by now you should know I can't be tamed, I can't be saved I can't be blamed, I can't, can't I can't be tamed, I can't be changed I can't be saved, I can't be (can't be) I can't be tamed." I look over at Fedelity, who is glaring at Amber with such furiousness, I am surprised to find Amber not bursting into flames. All of a sudden one of Amber's friends impatiently waves their hand in front of my face. I look at them worried that they saw me staring at a different girl other than Amber, but instead the collection basket is waving under my nose. I murmur a sorry and take it from them. There is already about ten dollars in the basket, and although I feel no need to help out Amber, I can feel Ambers friends eyes on me, so I reach for my wallet. Inside I feel panic rising up my throat. There's only a dollar and twenty five cents left from my pay check that I got a week ago, and I wont be getting my paycheck for this week until Monday. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm me down. My car needs gas, and I have one can of soup left at my apartment. I drop the quarter into the basket and pass it to another table. I swallow and try to pay attention to Ambers singing instead of my problems. 

"I'm not a trick you play, I wired a different way I'm not a mistake, I'm not a fake,  
It's set in my DNA." Fedelity looks over at me, pain relevant in her eyes. I frown and coax my head, why is she so upset? I look over at Amber who is intently staring at me as she says this. I look back at Fedelity, is she upset about me and Amber going out? But why? I just met her. Haven't I?

"Don't change me Don't change me Don't change me Don't change me (I can't be tamed) I wanna fly I wanna drive I wanna go I wanna be a part of something I don't know And if you try to hold me back I might explode Baby by now you should know  
I can't be tamed, I can't be saved I can't be blamed, I can't, can't I can't be tamed, I can't be changed I can't be saved, I can't be (can't be) I can't be tamed!" The music ends abruptly and I am forced to tear my eyes away from Fedelity and clap along with everyone else.

"Thank you all so much!" Amber laughs. She steps aside to let the woman back on stage where she reaches out to the crowd and the people at the nearest table hand her a basket full of money.

"One, two three…" The woman counts all the way up to 14 dollars and 25 cents.

"Oh my gosh that means I won right! Thank you so much everyone! I am-"

"Not so fast…Amber is it? Yes well we still have another contestant. Fedelity could you come onto the stage?" The woman is oblivious to Ambers glare. As Fedelity rises, Amber reluctantly turns on her heal and stomps off the stage.

Fedelity timidly creeps over to the stage, and once she gets onto the stage she wipes her hands on her black shorts. I see her hand shaking as she takes the microphone from the black woman. Then Amber is in front of me blocking my view completely.

"Well do you have anything to say to me?" She demands and crosses her arms across her chest. I smile politely.

"You did wonderful." Amber just rolls her eyes and waits for me to get up to let her in.

"I'm Fedelity Harris and I will be singing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence." Fedelity's voice skims over the words as if she's in a race. She goes to stand by the karaoke machine as somber music begins to play out the speakers.

She sucks in a deep breath, and the most wonderful sound in the world begins to fill me with hope.

How did I know that this was going to happen?


End file.
